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I am now officially a divorcée

(22 Posts)
drfayray Sun 28-Apr-13 02:40:42

Last night I opened a letter: it was from the Federal Magistrates Court of Australia informing that on the 21st Of April, my marriage to the Scrote is now officially terminated.

I had had a wonderfully full and joyful day of meeting friends, lunch, dinner and drinks, and dancing with old and new friends. At the dance studio (I hadn't been for a while as have been focusing on Tango at another school)
people all commented on how wonderful I looked; so beautiful and happy grin.

I don't know quite how to feel. I had been married for 24 years before Scrote decided that he had found his happiness and didn't want to be married to me. He also left the children; DS17 has not seen him for over a year.

According to that document I had been divorced for a full week before even knowing it...

I am happy with my life now; I really am. I look fantastic, have a whole heap of friends who really like me, I am changing my career to something that I am truly passionate about and life is pretty good.

How did others in the same situation feel? When I told DS17 last night, he took a close look at me and said do you want to crack open the champagne? I didn't have any drink in the house.

I feel numb. Not sad, not angry....it is a weird feeling. I don't even feel relief as that sense came a long time ago really.

I would appreciate some comments I guess.

ClaudiaSchiffer Sun 28-Apr-13 02:46:26

Congratulations Drfayray. You sound like you've made a huge success out of a shit situation. It will take a bit of time to come to terms with your new status - I'd say 24hrs grin

You have fabulous new life by the sounds of it. Scrote can take a running jump.

jynier Sun 28-Apr-13 02:49:15

Beloved DrFay - I was thinking about you recently and wondered what had happened to you!

So pleased that you have posted!

Obviously, you have mixed emotions; all of your "certainties" were lost and you had to deal with an unknown future for you and your DCs.

I won't say "congratulations" but would urge you to not waste a day of the rest of your life; you won't!

Best wishes, xxx

akaWisey Sun 28-Apr-13 09:43:01

DrFay I got my absolute the week after Christmas and discovered I'd become a divorcee the week before.

Numbness is how I felt too. But I called a friend, she came round with a bottle of bubbly and we toasted, not being divorced, but having more than survived the worst journey of my life. That's how you come across DrFay.

I can remember feeling utterly bitter and resentful even as I turned my life around as a reluctant single woman and I still struggle sometimes. But your life sounds pretty damn good and you thoroughly deserve it.

Wisey x

drfayray Sun 28-Apr-13 10:34:55

Thank you for the posts. Wisey! Glad to hear from you.

I am just back from a new meet up group: walking by the River ( very beautiful in the evening) and ending up with a dinner of prawns, swordfish and half a bug. A good way to spend today. No moping or feeling down.

I feel very strong and happy. I feel that my essential self is beginning to emerge and I really like this person that I am becoming.

Others are noticing too. I get a lot of smiles from people - but I think that is because I smile a lot. Z

It just feels so final. I mean I don't want him back - any love I have is long gone but this makes it official.

Mosman Sun 28-Apr-13 12:38:14

I cannot wait to be in your shoes, am literally waiting for Australian PR to come through and then my solicitor has all the documentation ready to hit the send button. Am trying to contain my excitement to be honest, I feel like I sleep walked through the last five years and slowly I'm waking up.

jynier Mon 29-Apr-13 02:06:17

drfayray - How are you feeling now? Sending very best wishes to you and your DCs; x

drfayray Mon 29-Apr-13 03:36:23

jynier, thanks for asking...I am feeling GOOD! So strange after all that pain and fear (I posted about it here and received so much support and kindness that it still makes me teary thinking about it).

I have survived and if anything, prospered. I am my own true self. I answer to no one but myself.

Now I am getting on with my life and what a life it is! I am so fortunate but I do realise that this life is of my making; my strength, positivity and ok..stubbornness grin helped me to get through everything.

This is a note to everyone going through the breakup of especially long marriages, please please know that life can indeed be sweet again. Better in fact. It is up to you...use your friends, get support, go to a psychologist if you need it, try new things outside of your comfort zone (Latin dancing for me) and you will be surprised at how well you will do.

Another bit of fabulous news for me..I received notification that I am now a registered teacher in Queensland (I am changing my career; no more academia but back into high school teaching which I was so passionate about). I can now do supply and start building up a reputation.

I will be getting my certificate in the mail soon..

Hmmm two major certs ....I believe things are just going to get better!

jynier Mon 29-Apr-13 04:13:17

... but, drfay? When did you know that you no longer loved/needed your XH? Perhaps that's the wrong question. What made you decide that you would go it alone?

My love will not go for my X.

Mosman Mon 29-Apr-13 04:39:57

The "love" is for the life you had I guess, the security that was never real, the marriage you thought you shared it wasn't the same story from both sides. Certainly in my case I was obvious to what was playing out under my nose. That's what hurts and that's what kills the love.

drfayray Mon 29-Apr-13 05:24:35

Will answer more in a bit.
I had no choice in going it alone.
After 24 years of marriage my ex decided that he had found his happiness ( had been having an affair for nearly a year before I found out) and decided he did not want to be married anymore. He also abandoned his children. DS refuses to have anything to do with him - over a year now.

Let me tell you... Quite easy to not love someone again...

DaydreamDolly Mon 29-Apr-13 05:38:23

Well done for surviving the journey and emerging triumphant! I am waiting for my nisi at the moment, am sure I'll have similar feelings to you. Like you, my STBXH had an OW, and after finding out it had been going on for 2 years, through the conception, gestation and both of DD2, it was easy to stop loving him.
Much love from one triumphant survivor to another!

DaydreamDolly Mon 29-Apr-13 05:38:58

'Birth'

drfayray Mon 29-Apr-13 12:46:12

And back to you Dolly! We survivors are amazing!

I am just back from an hour long walkies with my dear dawg Sophie. It is about 9.30 at night here; a perfect evening, still warm but with a slight breeze. I live in a nice area; lots of wide streets and big trees but with views of the city (I live about 4 km from the CBD). I had fab music on my iPod and I walked with a bit of an attitude grin.

Can I tell you how marvelous I feel right now? Bloody marvelous! I am free. I am happy. I am fantastic. grin

I proved to myself (and others around me) that I could survive. No...more than survive, prosper! I looked after my children, kept them safe and secure. I was so happy to hear last week at the kids' parent teacher interviews that both were doing so well. I heard nothing but praise for my wonderful children. How hard both were working; how well they were doing. DS17 might be in the running for the Maths prize! Both were described as delights. My heart sang. I knew that I did not let my children down.

So I am now divorced. I am me again.

Take heart people in similar situations.

maidmarian2012 Mon 29-Apr-13 13:51:56

Hi OP! I got divorced late last year, it was bloody great! To Hell with him I thought!! I have a wonderful DP now, so caring and genuine.

You sound so happy with life, and yourself OP and you have every right to be.

I bet you feel as light as air. I do.

Let him be someone elses problem I say grin

overtheraenbow Mon 29-Apr-13 14:13:28

Thanks for sharing drfay it's good to hear the survival stories, nay not survival 'better than or ever was ' stories ( can't put my finger on the right word)
For those of us at the beginning, in the middle and even bearing the end you are an inspiration that life can be good and great, even after 23 years together.
Jnier it will not go (yet) but it will fades nd eventually disappear. I felt like you a few months ago and now it seems impossible that I felt that way. Dolly you are right having a twuntish certainly makes it a whole lot easier though!!

InNeedOfSense Mon 29-Apr-13 14:24:18

Thank you for shraing your story DrFay. I'm somewhere near the start of all this and there are so many emotions going on. It is great to hear such a positive story! smile

MatchsticksForMyEyes Mon 29-Apr-13 14:24:30

I have just applied for my Decree Nisi. I think I will probably be divorced by the end of July. I don't know how to feel. Whether to be pleased, as it's what I want or whether I too will feel numb. I do know I will need to have friends around and go out somewhere, just so I don't sit around and wallow once I get the Decree Absolute.

DaydreamDolly Tue 30-Apr-13 05:45:34

Drfay you should be an inspirational speaker! What you've achieved by yourself for your children is bloody marvellous. Women are great! (Those that don't sleep with other people's husbands that is) smile

drfayray Tue 30-Apr-13 08:23:42

Ah thanks Dolly smile. Not been easy but for me the only way.

I have been mulling over this....for a long time I have felt much hatred towards the woman with whom Ex-Husband had the affair. He had been deceitful and unkind with the collusion of this woman. But now, to my great surprise, I don't feel hatred anymore. It is the strangest thing...I just feel nothing towards her. If anything I feel a smidge of pity...after all my beloved son has not seen his father for over a year and she is behind the reason for that.

I believe this new way of thinking is vair important as it shows that I have indeed progressed. Negative thoughts like hatred, jealousy, fear etc etc can really impede one's recovery.

Right now, I feel so happy. I am intensely grateful for all the wonderful people in my life; for my relationships with my children and friends; for the myriad advantages I have.
Hating her is pointless.

Ah I feel all grown up now!

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 08:40:11

smile

Teddimac Tue 30-Apr-13 13:45:52

Hi drfay - lurked on your threads for ages when I was going through similar trauma; great to hear your update, you are awesome!

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