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I want a partner, more babies, the works...feel like I have to pretend I don't

(29 Posts)
lonelyandhardfaced Sat 27-Apr-13 23:38:27

I've been single coming up for a year now. I was with someone for two years and it was just ridiculous and was never going to work (EA, never lived together, physical abuse). I was single for 3 years before that. My Ds is now 5 and I love him to pieces, he lights up my otherwise monotonous life. I've started back at work after 5 years which is great. A lot of people assume I won't have more children (ever) as I am single and DS is 5 so grown up obviously and I have had quite pitying looks and comments about the fact I "must be lonely". I constantly deny it, tell people I am more than happy to be single (which I usually am) and wouldn't be happier being in a relationship...yada...yada....

Problem is...I AM FUCKING LONELY! Once 7pm comes and ds is in bed I spend my life on MN reading about other people's lives, watching shite on tv, googling, knitting. I'm only 25 and truly feel like I've been written off. My ex was the first man I met/talked to/had any relationship with (apart from my friend's odd brother who thinks it's ok to message me for a shag when pissed - not gonna happen) since falling pregnant with my DS in 2007.

I don't feel woe is me, I can't explain it other than to say I genuinely feel like it won't ever happen for me.

I'm just whinging really aren't I? Seems to be getting to me more recently...hormones? confused grin

pigsDOfly Sun 28-Apr-13 09:05:22

Oh Lonely, do you think it's actually the being single that getting to you or just sitting at home on your own every night? Of course that's not what you want at 25.

Do you manage to get out in the evening at all? What about your parents, family, friends, do they babysit for you?

It might help to think about ways of getting out and doing things for yourself, which is probably the first step.

What about people at work, any other young women who you could see as potential friends? Invite people round so you're not on your own so much.

Have you thought of internet dating, if you're really looking for a relationship? Although going down that route, you really have to have your dickhead radar well tuned.

Perhaps try something like 'meetup.com' it's not a dating website but a way to get together with other people with the same interests as you. Also what about MN local. I'm sure (unless you live on a mountaintop in Tibet) there must be other women of your age in similar circumstances to you in your local area.

Get out and meet more people first, make more friends and the rest will follow. And no matter how desperate you are keep away from the friend's odd brothersmile.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 28-Apr-13 12:39:22

Life as a singleton with a toddler is very hard. Don't feel too bad about what you're feeling therefore. Agree with the above about making a big effort to boost your social life. Not dating, just getting to know more adults and engineering yourself a bit of company. When my DS was about that age I was introduced to a community music project, got a baby-sitter to come once a week for a few hours, had a bit of 'me time' with the grown-ups ... it's vital. Good luck

Coffee1Sugar Sun 28-Apr-13 12:48:39

Lonely - I'm 25 with a 2.11yo and fecking lonely too! Just started a thread called "anyone want to be my friend" grin

makemineamalibuandpineapple Sun 28-Apr-13 13:33:45

I know the feeling OP. I have just turned 30 and have a 10 year old. My last relationship was 2.5 years ago and I feel like I'm a write off. I have some lovely friends but and go out but I feel lonely because I miss the companionship of having a partner. I have had dates but it just never seems to go anywhere. People always tell me how lovely I am (I am not blowing my own trumpet, it's what they say). However, if that's true why am I still single lol!!

lonelyandhardfaced Sun 28-Apr-13 20:31:03

OOOOh Coffee1Sugar (just how I take mine grin ) i'll be your friend! lol.

I have lots of lovely friends and an amazing sister who is seriously my best friend. The last time I went out was January for her hen night, because I work shifts and she has my DS for me (she's an angel, honestly) there isn't time for me to go out and if there was I wouldn't want to ask because both she and my mum do so much for me with childcare while I work. Although have booked in my mum to babysit on the 10th or 17th grin

makemine that's exactly what it is. In all fairness I doubt I could live with someone again, it would just be nice to have the companionship as you say.

cogito that's brilliant grin are you enjoying it? Me and my sister are hoping to do atleast one 10k run this year (i've done two but have really let my fitness go) and I can't even find the time to go for a run, or to the gym and the spare time I do have is when DS is in bed and i'm on my lonesome sad

Thank you all for lovely replies grin

lonelyandhardfaced Sun 28-Apr-13 20:32:19

oh and pigs I looked on the MN meetups page and there was nothing in my area (large city). If I had more time I would have set one up.

Playerpleeeese Sun 28-Apr-13 20:41:41

I'm in the same situation as you lonely I am 24 with a 5 year old. 4 months out of an EA relationship which involved me losing a baby last year. Everyone around me is in a long term relationship with kids/baby on the way/married/engaged. I also work shifts.

I find it hard to meet people and probably have my barriers up far toooo high! I'm worried about being left of the shelf and never getting married/having more kids. No one understands. So glad you started this thread.

Am thinking of online dating, but I'm embarrassed! blush silly I know! I'm giving myself till the end of the year, and then if I'm still single ill take the plunge with OD.

We need some sort of support group! grin

lonelyandhardfaced Sun 28-Apr-13 21:06:43

Haha we can do a support group! I've tried OD, it wasn't the best experience for me. It is embarrassing but I can't tell you why grin

I'm really sorry to hear what you went through, it's never easy but I do think it helps you get stronger (also an EA relationship and 2 mc) It's hard but it does get easier.....in a way confused

I wish I was feeling pathetic and "No-one loves me wah wah wah" because then I could snap myself out of it, I just feel resigned I guess.

Playerpleeeese Sun 28-Apr-13 21:20:32

The best advice I've had is be the best version of you you can be.

It's sounds a wee bit stupid and shallow but I quit smoking, wear make up everyday, do my hair, smile at everyone, force myself to talk to people, and have found things that I like to do so I have something to talk about.

Sounds easy but I find it hard after emotionally being beaten down by twunts for the last 8 years!

I also just ask people loads of questions about themselves/lives etc. everyone loves a good listener!

The point I think, is that, if you do this with everyone you meet, every day, it becomes your nature, and niace men people will be drawn to you. grin

Apparently trust the universe, it will happen when you least expect it and what's meant to be will be! Might be a bit woo but helps me feel more positive. Hope it makes sense, might be a bit of a ramble! grin

lonelyandhardfaced Sun 28-Apr-13 21:33:14

No it does make sense. I'm torn between feeling like "Sod it, I'll do what I want, eat what I want, do my hair when I want and give up" and wanting to try and make an effort. Normally I do, kind of have to while working, dammit grin

We'll see what happens, I'm better today that I was yesterday and that's all I can ask for. But as for the universe, it's kicked me in the shins for the past 5 years I aren't trusting it now haha grin

PurpleThing Sun 28-Apr-13 22:16:56

Some good advice on here I think.

I sooo want another baby. However, I had food poisoning the other week and that was a stark reminder of what morning sickness was like. But that just made me weep about not having someone to look after me.

I'm fine a lot of the time but it's hard to not feel sorry for yourself on occasion.

And I'm 5-10 years older than you lot so time is ticking.

mrspaddy Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:02

Oh you are so, so young and you are obviously a great mum. I'm ten years older than you and due to have my first so you are in a great position. You do need to get out and about though. Give the Internet thing a go .. what harm can it do. Remember also that there a lot of people out there very lonely who are in relationships. People are too pass remarkable on other people's lives especially when they keep their own business to themselves so pass no heed on them.
Really wish you the best.

Coffee1Sugar Mon 29-Apr-13 19:32:01

Lonely where do you live? I'm near Kingston-upon-Thames. I'll be your friend smile

MooMooSkit Mon 29-Apr-13 19:37:58

Hey i was in your position though slightly different, was 22 with a 8 month old on my own and felt really lonely. Literally the highlight of my days was going to Marks n Sparks for my ready meal and a fag on the balcony in my old flat and my nights out would usually consist of very unsatisfying one night stands that didn't do much for my self esteem.

Def try the boards round here and even ahem, whispers, nethuns for local meets and meet up with other mums and see where it goes. You could even try online dating! I went on POF and met the love of my life on there though you do have to be savvy and weed out the losers but you soon get the jist of it!

Good luck!

ALittleStranger Mon 29-Apr-13 19:42:49

OP you have so much time, you're only 25!

lonelyandhardfaced Mon 29-Apr-13 21:26:16

Its not so much about time (although it is a little due to as being 5 already lol) coffeeim in Leeds...'up north' lol. I'll be your tinternet friend! mrspaddy congratulations :D and thats really nice smile I completely agree about other people's relationships, having been there myself I know its not always as rosy as it seems.

To be honest, after days like today it's nice to come home from work and be on my own grin

moomoo it's crap sometimes isn't it? I've tried POF and not keen.....there's actually loads of guys I went to school with on there....not the best haha.

Playerpleeeese Mon 29-Apr-13 21:31:27

lonley I go up to Leeds every 2/3 months to see my friend, she's lives in bramley? Brambley? blush but we go into Leeds city centre.
coffee I live near Kingston too

Int life funny grin

Coffee1Sugar Mon 29-Apr-13 21:52:58

Ooo hi player grin

Lonely - I met my man on pof 15months ago. Stick with it there are some good eggs on there!

Xroads Mon 29-Apr-13 21:56:02

Not had time to read all the thread but my friend was in the same boat and we sat chatting over a bottle of wine and a chinese and she said she thought she would never find the one and have more dcs etc and then within a couple of years she'd got married and had a baby and is now expecting her third. Never say never!

CastroIsDead Mon 29-Apr-13 22:59:46

same for me too im 27 my ds is 4 once he's in bed im on my own also work shifts my mum or sister have ds if i work a night so that uses all my babysitting up in a way i don't want to put on them more. really hard to get out there even if i was brave enough to try od when would i meet people?

iwantanafternoonnap Tue 30-Apr-13 07:27:58

I am 40 with a 3 year old and if I wasn't do shattered from working shifts as a nurse I'd be a bit lonely not for a man though but for my friends that I used to have. Becoming a single parent seems to mean I am not suitable to hang out with other couple families at weekends which is the only time I am free really.

My mum does all my child care while I work too so I rarely go out or get a break. I am trying to make stronger friendships with other single parents through a local single parent group. Have you tried searching on Facebook for one in your area it has been great for me.

Playerpleeeese Tue 30-Apr-13 12:29:10

I can't find any single parent groups around me, I don't even know another single parent confused

Online dating scares me, I wouldn't even know what too write, and also a lot of boys I went I school with are on there looking for quick shags! Must be a trend lonley grin

lonelyandhardfaced Tue 30-Apr-13 21:52:31

Ooooh player technically I'm on the otherside of Leeds to Bramley but I work in Leeds city centre! Lol. And yes it must be a trend! Lol.
Castro thats my point exactly...if you haven't met someone before working and juggling childcare how the hell do you?! Lol.

Iwant i agree. I'm in healthcare, working rotation shifts. There are a few meet Ups near me but they're more for SAHM with young babies, not something for me really. And yes I agree about the other families, they only seem bothered if they have nothing else on!

coffee you can jump a lift with Player and come visit grin

Playerpleeeese Tue 30-Apr-13 21:54:29

It's only £5 on the megabus......if you don't mind pukey students grin

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