Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH accused me of assault(46 Posts)
I was wondering if someone could help.
Due to lack of sleep (baby and toddler not sleeping well) and stress of DH's job we have been bickering a lot recently.
This morning we got into an argument: he insulted me, when I asked him to repeat what he said he informed me whilst trying to get the baby out of the highchair. I tapped him on the shoulder demanding he listen to me. He ignored me, when I turned my back to walk away, he attacked me by throwing me to the floor, holding my wrists and shouting that this was self-defence (from what I'm not sure). I was wrestling back with him.
He then called the police and alleged that I assaulted him. They arrived and said that they should arrest me but wouldn't as I was a breast-feeding mother. They said they would interview me at a later date.
DH has since retracted this statement and signed an official statement saying I didn't do anything wrong and he was emotional and that he over-reacted.
However, the police still want to interview me and have offered me legal representation. They have said that there are no charges against me.
Apart from being gobsmacked at 'D'H's behaviour a d feeling emotional (let down, betrayed, broken hearted etc.). I'm worried about what this all means with regards to me being formally interviewed.
I've never had so much as a parking ticket so I'm devastated at the thought of this interview and what it means with regard to the future (what if I forgive DH and he does this again or I get in an argument over a parking space or something trivial and the police see "oh yes, Mrs LAF was accused by her DH of assault but it didn't go any further".
DH is incredibly remorseful and admitted he did this in anger and wishes he could put a stop to the process but can't.
Can anyone offer me any advice?
Thank you. I'm sorry it's such a long post.
Agreeing with Cogito.
You must have bruises on your wrists to show what happened.
I hope you get out safely.
virgilsmuse did you mean to sound as if you blame the victim?
I do not think the comments would differ if the victim was male.
Glad you're getting out of this abusive relationship but please make sure you report the assault. When you split you need to have it on record that he is violent rather than you because, if you don't, there are all kinds of implications with the access arrangements.
If you simply 'tapped' him, and then he attacked you, then I would follow everyone's advice.
But if the scenario was reversed, there would be a completely different response here. People would be suggesting that it must have been more than a tap Etc., that he shouldn't have 'tapped' you first and that even a tap constitutes abuse in some way as it takes things further than a conversation and was unnecessary...
All I'm saying is why did you need to tap him on the shoulder in the first place? And are you sure it was just that...a tap?
I'm in no way excusing his behaviour. You should never stay with someone who's attacked you and should report to the police.
I am afraid this is a classic trope of an abuser. My exp smashed my car windscreen with his fists while I was driving in a jealous (unfounded paranoid) rage. I "slapped" him to try and stop him and apparently I was the violent one. Paved the way for several other episodes on his part I'm afraid, but of course he never "hit" me, just pushed me around etc.
I really think you need to speak to the police about the assault before you ask him to move out. You cannot be sure how he will react to you wanting him to leave.
You really, really need to have this documented now in case he reacts badly and you need to call the police. Please, give a statement to the police, allow them to see any bruising and speak to Women's Aid too.
Hi all. I'm fine. The kids are fine. I'm just so very sad that this has happened. He's retracted his statement, said it's never happened. There's no need to be worried about me really. I'm back home but he's away on a course this week. I think I'm going to ask him to move out. I know you're all probably going to think I'm stupid for this but I can almost forgive him physically hurting me. But I can't forgive him making up false accusations. Bruises can heal. But if this happened again and the took my kids from me I just wouldn't be able to bear that. So it's with a sorry heart that I think my marriage is over. I have family support to help me and I think he realises the mess he's made and although doesn't want the marriage to end I think he won't make things hard for me.
Thank you for your support. I don't think I'll come back and say any more as it hurts to go through it again (sorry!). But don't worry, I will be fine. My kids make everything wonderful again.
Thank you again for your support, words of wisdom and kind thoughts.xx
Hi Lostandbroken, Being falsely accused of domestic abuse is something that happened to my father, but it was mother who accused him falsely of throwing her down the stairs. She was angry at him for standing up to her. My sister was at home at the time of the supposed incident, but the police refused to believe what my sister told them, that it was my mother who was the abusive one.
My father was carted off to the cells over night, and because my mother had a big bruise on her back - caused by her own drunkeness the night before when she had fallen down some steps near our home and had to be brought back by a complete stranger.
Anyway long story short, my aunt convinced my mother to retract her statement and she agreed. Dad got released without charge and came home a complete wreck. He just never felt safe to be alone with her again, because he knew she could make up false allegations whenever she wanted to. He had to get a divorce and move out because he lived in fear from that moment on. But my mother couldn't accept this and continued to be abusive, in the end my father sorted out a restraining order via his solicitor.
To be falsely accused of something like this, when you have just been assaulted yourself is a horrible thing. Maybe enrol immediate family to help you and support you at the police station? Do not go through this alone.
I believe the police want to speak to you without him there because they have seen scenarios like this before, and they are aware of your husband trying to manipulate the situation
I would trust them, go along and tell the truth. They can signpost you to relevant support to safely exit your marriage
Lostandbroken, I am officially worried about you, read the thread yesterday and have been looking for an update every minute! Hope you are ok.
Omg! Where was the baby while this was going on?!
I would not feel safe in this situation with your DH (for yourself or your DC).
You are innocent so have nothing to worry about wrt getting in trouble with the police. Just tell them everything.
I had an abusive ex who called the police on me. (Saying I would not allow him access to the house, when he was already in it and subjecting me to abuse)
I think for him it was a 'get there first' call. He knew he was about to get in the shit and tried to get there first. These men will do ANYTHING to continue their crap.
I would also advise telling the truth.
He assaulted you. That is the relevant fact here. I doubt the police will do anything either way though <cynical>
Hopefully the police want to see you as they have concerns about you.
He used to stop you leaving a room?
And it's the same old, same old, isn't it-he might be very, very, very stressed-but who else does he assault/attack??!!
You haven't reported him???
Check your wrists. Bruises may show up at a later stage.
If you report it to the police the bruises should show up under UV light.
But, yes. You should leave him.
What a twat.
Sorry, that sounds like I might be excusing him ('if he's truly apologetic' - I'm not sure he is, tbh). I'm just trying (badly) to say that this is what he ought to be doing to make things right. If he's just leaving you to deal with the aftermath without actually telling the police what really happened then he's not as sorry as he's making out to you.
He may have retracted his statement but did he tell the police the truth? I think if he's truly apologetic/repentant he needs to go there and do that, in your presence, so you can confirm it and show them your injuries. I second all the advice to ring WA and get some RL support. Hope you're ok x
He didn't do it in anger, he did it as a calculated plan rather than having a police record himself.
Did you tell them he assaulted you rather than the other way round? If not, were you afraid to?
Do not tell him (dh ) anything.. You don't know how he will respond just tell the police and get some support from family or friend ASAP.
You must tell the police the truth, he cannot be trusted at all! Please take care!
He called the police because he wanted to hide his own guilt. He knew that you could have called the police because he DID assault you.
Tell the police the truth, and ask them to be there when you ask your 'D'H to leave. You cannot and should not live with someone you are afraid of. Get advice from Women's Aid.
He is using bullying tactics. Tired and emotional is not an excuse for what he did.
Sounds to me like he lost his temper and didn't like that you were standing up to him and attacked you under the guise of self defence and got in there first before you to call the police.. So he could get his story in first .
Reminds me of a childhood bully, turning the tables so as not to get into trouble with mum.
Does he have a history of violence in the past even with his siblings?
I agree he was teaching you a lesson.. The lesson is that he is not going to be messed with or you will come off worse. He then calmed down and took it back but he has showed his true colours.
Womens aid can be very slow to get back to you - please OP, don't stall this. I think as Super says he only reported you to 'put you in your place'. He knew this was the only thing he could do to stop you reporting him. Please don't let his plan work.
Likelihood is they will put an injunction on him to stay away for a period of time while he sorts himself out. I he is out of the house you might be able to see things more clearly and know what to do.
OP you can get a solicitor when you get to the station. But you should go now before he convinces you that it was all a mistake and you change your mind. DP has already retracted his statement about you assaulting him, he will be completely unreliable in court because of this. You on the other hand will have marks on your body that need to be recorded. Don't stall this because of a solicitor.
Definitely talk to someone at Women's Aid - they'll have support workers who can give you information about what course of action might be best, and they'll have seen this before.
I'm so sorry he did this to you.
I think he reported it to the police because he thought you might have wanted to go to the police about what he did to you, and he hoped that him getting there first would maybe undermine your story.
It makes it seem as though he's being very calculated about it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.