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Why am I so weak?

(54 Posts)
jazzbiscotti Sat 27-Apr-13 21:59:34

My wife is a long time Mumsnetter and while talking to her I decided to join and hopefully seek some much needed advice.
A couple of years ago I had an affair with a woman I had known for a few years before I met and married my wife.
Basically , I had bought a second mobile and we sent sexual texts to each other- we never actually met up so we didn't actually have sex but it was on the cards. one day, for some reason I took the phone home (I always kept it at work) and my wife found it.
This had a devastating effect on our relationship. I did everything I could think of to try and make things right - I changed my mobile number, gave the other mobile to my wife, stopped going out without her,phoned her when I left work, cut down my cinema visits (she hates going), only going with friends of mine that she trusted. She gave me another chance but still didn't completely trust me, throwing it in my face whenever she got mad at me about something and checking up on me, but we were getting better.
I got made redundant last November and even after applying for around 5 jobs a day, I am still out of work. It is beginning to get me down- I don't like being out of work and I worry about bills, etc but I put on a brave face to my wife and family cos they worry so much already, I don't want to add to it. My wife got a part time job so we reversed roles with me looking after our 22 month old daughter and the housework, which I love doing; it being a different change of pace from working 60 hours a week.
(I'm sorry if I'm waffling but first time doing this and I want to get everything down)
Last week, while in town, I bumped into an ex-girlfriend I'd not seen in 20+ years. We are friends on Facebook but had not really spoken. we had a quick chat and off I went. Later, she put a status update about a "blast from the past".
I sent her message - " good to see her- looking good for a grandma lol ( she's early 40s)We talked about when we went out, place we'd been, etc. The problem is the messages became more and more flirty and then sexual. She made it clear that she hadn't got over me and I went back to doing what got me in so much trouble before.
Suffice to say my wife found the messages and she is devastated. She gave me one last chance and I blew it.
I love my wife and kids dearly, and I risk losing them which I really don't want. Why am I so weak? I don't want these women but seem to love the attention. It was a million to 1 chance that I would bump into her and I was doing so well.
I am resigned to the fact that this maybe the end of my marriage but I will whatever it takes for this not to happen. I know I have totally F**ked up the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I am looking into going to see someone about this but any words of advice about what else I can do to rectify this would be very welcome. Thank you for listening.

CabbageLeaves Sun 28-Apr-13 22:37:05

Hugs sad

arsenaltilidie Mon 29-Apr-13 01:44:36

As the saying goes..'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me..'
OP's wife: well done for getting rid, stay strong. It will get better.

I dont believe for one second he went to the extent of buying a second phone, hiding it in the office just to send a receive a few texts whilst hes at work hmm.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 29-Apr-13 02:02:23

OP's STBX: Best of luck, you will feel better in time and you have done the right thing.

OP: Yes, you are weak. You are weak because you can't be arsed to acknowledge that monogamy is not for you, you want to look 'normal' and you are incapable of being honest with yourself or your partners.

There's nothing wrong with rejecting monogamy but it takes guts to do it in a fair and honourable way.

Dahlen Mon 29-Apr-13 12:48:39

OP - think about times in your life where you have had to do something very difficult or something you really didn't want to do but did it because you knew you had to. I daresay there are countless examples - from paying a bill to doing something as part of your job

Fidelity in relationships where monogamy is one of the binding rules is simply another example of that.

It's simply a question of mindset and the importance you attach to it. If your wife's trust and feelings were as important to you as not getting fired for not doing your job properly, you would think a lot harder about doing anything to jeopardise your marriage. The fact that you didn't means you either don't love her as much as you claim, or, deep down, you believe that your wants and needs are more important than hers and that after a suitable time of anger she should just 'get over it'.

If you were on the receiving end of either of those, you wouldn't be hanging around would you.

If you seriously want to change your behaviour, take a good, long look at your attitudes towards women and relationships. You might not like what you see when you start delving below the surface, but you won't achieve change unless you're willing to feel that discomfort and shame.

Or you could just say you're too weak to cope with that, beg forgiveness and repeat the same mistakes in all your subsequent relationships - which is what most men in your situation do.

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