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it's the lying thats the problem.

(37 Posts)
QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 13:29:24

So we've been together 10 years. Married almost 7. We have a DS with a slight disability and are now expecting baby no.2.

DH has aspergers and our relationship can often be difficult. I have lived in his home country since we were married (here in the UK) because to me moving abroad to an English speaking country wasn't too intimidating. Since I've moved here my younger sisters have moved to the UK to be closer and my parents make the effort to visit more often. I do go back, but not always once a year--when I go back it's mostly due to my DH's agenda (holiday--conferences and business trips). When we were agreed to my moving to London he promised me that any point I became homesick I could go back--whenever I wanted. This never happens. I'm desperate to just visit my country again.

The lack of holiday to my home country isn't really the problem though. Two years ago DH made a very risky move with regards to work; he left a very safe and well paying job to become a partner in an established but risky company. I agreed to it because it was his dream job and he had worked quite well in the years prior to establish himself and his credibility.

At this point in our lives, we knew there was something not 'typical' of our ds's development and decided that the back up plan in the case of DH's new job not working out would be to get a really good life insurance policy (I have a problem with surprises and I freak out when I don't have proper financial planning in place-- please note-- I have never had nor will have any intention on killing him; just too messy; things like that always get found out and I love the butt-face).

Within a week of joining new job he decided it wasn't for him and left. We were okay financially for a bit but our savings had a limit on them and I really worried about him finding another job before some random tragedy hit--so the life insurance policy made me feel a bit better--knowing if my husband got hit by a bus our DS whose needs were becoming more and more obvious would be well looked after.

He eventually found a job within the right field within 6 months so my worrying came to an end quickly (also it was just like his dream job--but right for him this time).

So today we start talking about the budget and I find out he never took out the life insurance policy he said he took out--and is now saying that leading me to believe he had wasn't a lie--but a 'misunderstanding'.

Thank god my sisters are here because they remember the entire ruse of the doctor doing his check up in our house and DH signing all the papers. However my sisters don't see a reason for me to be upset.

DH has decided that I am wrong and has decided to go take a nap.

Tell me I'm not wrong for being upset. I'm sure I can't be--I'm livid. It's been a two year long lie. I'm furious and sad and I just feel marginalized again and again over what is important to me and what he wants to call a 'misunderstanding'.

BeckAndCall Sat 27-Apr-13 13:32:22

Of course you should have a life insurance policy - you'd be foolish not to!

Perhaps your DH just didn't follow through but meant to?

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 13:34:09

he had two years to fix the fact that he may have lapsed--and he lied about the payments every single time I asked him...

now he is saying 'oh, i thought you knew--I was making payments to another policy'

BeckAndCall Sat 27-Apr-13 13:40:03

So what's the other policy -is it equivalent? If so, there wouldn't be a problem would there?

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 13:45:56

No, the other policy is maybe 50% of the original.

I'm having such a difficult time dealing with the deceit and I am ever soo angry and he's just gone off to have a NAP

EllaFitzgerald Sat 27-Apr-13 13:49:50

You most definitely do have a reason to be upset! I'd be furious if my DH had done that. He's manipulated you into having peace of mind by making you believe your DS would be taken care of if the worst happened and has kept that deceit up for two years, that takes some effort!

What is he claiming the doctor's check up was for, if not life insurance? And what papers did he sign? If you witnessed the policy being put in place, it sounds like he's had to purposely cancel it.

I think my trust in him would disappear, especially as he knew how important this was to you. I'd also want to get more involved with the financial side of things, so I'd know that there was nothing else I was "misunderstanding".

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 27-Apr-13 13:54:55

I must admit that, like your sisters, I don't quite understand why you'd be this upset over someone not taking out life insurance. Whether it was deliberate or accidental it's something that can be corrected with a phone-call or two. Until I read this bit....

"I just feel marginalized again and again over what is important to me "

There's clearly a deeper problem with your relationship if it's 'again and again'.. A build up of resentment because you're not in control of things in your family more generally. You seem to get led around from place to place, making sacrifices but are then excluded from decisions that affect you, your concerns are trivialised or ignored and you feel that you're being taken for granted in a much wider sense.

I think you're just fed up tagging along letting this man take the lead.

tribpot Sat 27-Apr-13 14:05:19

The feeling I get from your posts is one of powerlessness. I'm assuming your DH earns all, or most, of the money in your household, which is why you couldn't pay for the life insurance policy, why you can't pay to go home when you want, etc. You think you have a safety net in case something bad happens and now it turns out you haven't and that he's been taking an unnecessary risk on your behalf.

What actually happens when you raise the subject of going home for a holiday?

The nap thing strikes me as highly passive aggressive. I am so unconcerned about your anger that I can simply nod off whilst you sit there stewing. I think I'd have his credit card in hand and be booking myself a couple of plane tickets pronto.

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 14:15:18

now he's turning the tables back on me after I've shown him this thread.

Apparently, I believe what I want to believe and the whole house revolves around me.

I guess this is the can of worms that has just spilled and I have a terrible feeling it's the start of the end. I am ever so sad.

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 14:19:08

whenever I raise the my going home--it's always 'no we don't have the money'

however this summer is his cousins wedding--in MY home country and he's totally up for saving for that. If we can't afford it, he says he'll go and visit clients at the same time so that work will cover his tickets.

Now he is upstairs with my sisters and sisters boyfriend telling them what he thinks is happening and how inappropriate I am being.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 27-Apr-13 14:35:14

You're not being inappropriate. How would he feel if you'd actively lied to him for two years about making payments on a policy that didn't exist?

His behaviour sounds really difficult to live with. I hope you get the support you need from your sisters.

Lavenderhoney Sat 27-Apr-13 15:12:23

Do you have life insurance on your house? As if you own it, then I believe as part of mortgage agreements you'll have a policy to cover the mortgage and a greater amount.

Do you have access to the bank statements, as you would have seen a regular direct debit going out, which in your case hasn't happened, and then you would have questioned why money wasnt being taken. And you would have received paperwork, which you clearly haven't.

He should have discussed it with you. He has been found out, but as nothing happened, he thinks its ok. People are funny about wills and life policies but we all will die one day, its best to be prepared.

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 15:13:40

Me too. I don't deal well with being told that I'm the one in the wrong when I'm sad about something.

Here is what he has come back with:

1. He apologizes for misleading me...although he says it wasn't his intention (but it has to be a lie--because it was 24 months of LYING)

2. He will up the coverage first thing on Monday and I am allowed to open all the mail regardless of who it is addressed to. (is this normal?)

3. He is saying that if I do need to go back home he will try his hardest to make sure my needs come before our 'social' obligations. (I don't even know what this means)

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 15:16:27


I do have access to the joint account and the account his paycheck goes into, but he has a 'discretionary' account where he had told me the insurance was being paid for. I am sure I could access it if I wanted, but I've never cared enough.

I have a similar account that he doesn't check.

We don't have a life insurance policy on the property because it is a family home and will go to me if anything happens--death, divorce.

QueenofWhispers Sat 27-Apr-13 15:19:01

Our wills are pretty much dictated by our religion anyway, and the financial aspects of our marriage have been pre arranged through our marriage contract.

Our wills have been notorised here, however I don't really understand how our pre-nup agreements will hold true here in the UK. Surely there must be a way to ensure my future financial safety?

Lavenderhoney Sat 27-Apr-13 16:19:34

It's not about opening mail, as stuff can be sent anywhere, and most things can be online only anyway, such as bank statements. Do you have access to all the admin papers?

I would be very interested in his discretionary account! The last few years bank statements with none missing, specifically! Do you have one of these?

Your financial arrangements sound confusing what with pre nups, etc, and more worrying is you arent sure either. Get all the stuff together and see a solicitor and get it explained. Not by him or one he chooses. You need a family law one. They will also tell you what you are missing. You haven't signed anything you aren't sure of have you?

Skinnywhippet Sat 27-Apr-13 21:16:01

You sound worried. Is there any reason why he is being like this or has he always been this way? This thread has got me thinking about life insurance and will so if anyone has any advice please add to my thread in moneymatters.

tribpot Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:41

He is saying that if I do need to go back home he will try his hardest to make sure my needs come before our 'social' obligations. (I don't even know what this means)

This means you'll have to be financially punished, probably by ds missing out on something, if you insist on spending 'his' money on going home.

Him going to your home country without you if funds won't stretch that far is taking the fucking piss, frankly.

QueenofWhispers Sun 28-Apr-13 01:48:23

I do agree that he shouldn't be going to the states for his cousins wedding If I don't get to go home and just hang out. His reasoning for the wedding being more important for all of us to go is that I'm not as close to my cousins+parents---and that the people I am closest to are already here. (My sisters have moved in with us and have been with us since DS was 8 months old)

I do have access to all the major accounts and can always see where the finances are going, the discretionary accounts get very little in them as I do all the allocating. It's true he earns the bulk of everything, and I know where the bulk of everything goes, but I am annoyed with how this life insurance thing came about. I don't really understand the 'permission' to check the mail comment.

as much as I am upset with DH he will never and has NEVER thought of punishing our son..or has punished me by with holding money. Our son is the most important person in our lives and just so it's clear DS is the most important person in my Dh's life. If I can't access extra money it's because we don't have it.

DH has lied to me about life insurance. It is a lie he kept telling for 24 months. There is deceit, betrayal, anger and sadness whizzing around my home and marriage right now, but I know with the life we have he has no time and very little money to spend frivolously. In no way am I decreasing the importance and the impact his actions have on me--I am still ridiculously upset--I don't know how I plan on dealing with it. I don't know if my marriage is over--I don't; a 24 month long lie is pretty large thing and there is quite a lot of trust that has been damaged. However, I will not indulge in any desperate housewife scenarios of financial abuse+child abuse if there isn't any.

*yes, I agree, I should see a family solicitor about where our pre-nups+marriage contract and all the other contracts our religion stipulates us signing before we get married...and thank you for mentioning it because it'll be the first thing I'll be looking into on Monday morning.

However, my husband is quite devout in his beliefs and going against any of these contracts would have a serious impact on his daily life...standing within his own community+family...not to mention what our children will think of him.

I am not sure if I can recover from this lie; not at all. I just don't think labeling my husband as a controlling asshole is what I want from this thread either. I don't know if I can stay in a marriage where I have been lied to like this---but it's not in my being to be an unfair player in this either.

i think i'm just rambling at this point.

Skinnywhippet Sun 28-Apr-13 17:23:44

On the plus least you have realised you don't have the life insurance at a time when you don't need it, rather than discovering this "misunderstanding" at a time of tragedy. I am curious...what is your religion. Do you have prenups in case of divorce? Sorry...I'm a nosy one.

Lavenderhoney Sun 28-Apr-13 18:18:22

The lie has further implications for you- it means somewhere he wasnt concerned about you and your ds being provided for? That would concern me too.
Are you the same religion/ culture as him? As otherwise you would be comfortable leaving all this to him? I don't see how your personal finances would affect or even be of interest to your community- Why would they find out?

After all, his first care should be to you and your son. Do you have life insurance should anything happen to you? And is there a trust in place for your son and a designated carer should anything happen to you both?

Good luck with a solicitor tomorrow, I hope you get the answers you need- and no more shocks - perhaps somewhere it is stated his or your family will provide, in certain circumstances.

QueenofWhispers Sun 28-Apr-13 23:10:54

our families are 'muslim' but only when it comes to stuff like birth, marriage, divorce and death.

our pre-nups do indeed cover divorce, and all sorts of random stuff that could happen.

There was already a stipulation of another life insurance policy from before we were married that would be paid to me if something had happened--this would have been sufficient for me alone to live comfortably for a specific amount of time. However when we had our son, he was supposed to up the coverage--which he did. The policy he was supposed to have taken out before he quit his job was supposed to be enough to care for our child had something happened to my DH and DS having a debilitating special need...

The lie has made me cross beyond all words.


My husband and his community is quite tightly knit (he comes from a specific ethnic minority that does outcast people who don't keep to their word) I am not from his culture, although my father does share my husbands religion. The idea of shaming+naming is a big deal to his community and would further cast quite a shadow on his family and their general credibility within their community. Since I've been married I have only witnessed 3 divorces within their communities and they have come through surprisingly amicable.

I do hope the family solicitor can help me see what everything means in these contracts and hopefully I can patch up any weak holes that may leave myself and DS vulnerable.

I do love DH but I really don't know how to approach my feelings towards this episode. I really don't. He didn't physically beat me, or ruin my self confidence--he hasn't hurt our son in anyway---but at the same time he has hurt my trust in him; isn't it just as bad?

QueenofWhispers Sun 28-Apr-13 23:12:14

oh and yes, there is life insurance that will go to my son if anything happens to me; there is a trust for our son if anything happens to both of us and we do have designated family members who will care for him if anything happens to us. (I hope nothing happens to us).

Lavenderhoney Mon 29-Apr-13 04:42:19

Thanks for your clarity in explaining.

It will take a while to trust hm again, and I expect you will go through all the family paperwork, house, AA membership or whatever to give yourself peace of mind.

And future, will you take over or he do and you check it? Will he mind or dismiss your fears he may have lied again on a joint decision with your shared money?

Add up the total cost of all the premiums for the last 2 years, and see if the total covers your flights?

If the money is gone, there is another fundamental issue in that you both presumably budgeted for it as you had the cash, your dh discovered he couldn't afford it, and didn't tell you, but the money has still gone, on day to day costs or whatever.

A mistake with budgeting is ok, but he could have said " omg, don't know what we did but this is too much each month now" and you looked together to see what could be done.

QueenofWhispers Mon 29-Apr-13 10:46:33


I see someone this afternoon to discuss legal stuff and finances.

I haven't decided if I want to take over the finances or just check it. I'm far likely to make more mistakes--but at this point I really should be more involved.

Went through where all the 'payments' have gone--they were to take away restaurants and random spending we both did on dates and nights out....I thought we were good at budgeting and could afford the fancy outings. Our days of 'blind' spending are now over.

as far as flights go, I could have gone home several times, but we were both spending the extra on nights out If he had been honest about the life insurance and we hadn't gone out soo much then I would have been able to go home at least 6 times.

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