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help me to leave him to enjoy himself

(156 Posts)
fatedtopretend Fri 26-Apr-13 23:50:31

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

nectarini1983 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:10:05

Hi OP...I understand your predicament entirely. ..ive reached the point with my dh who sounds like he behaves very much as your dp does......I dont care any more.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New problem now....what now with two kids and a mortgage!?!?!?!?!

fatedtopretend Sun 28-Jul-13 19:02:17

I did not have the courage to end it.

This morning I found out he lied about seeing someone about a month ago. I am undoubtedly going to end up just letting this happen.

Sorry if you feel I have wasted your time.

Uppatea Thu 25-Jul-13 12:52:22

Hello Fated, I just want to second the suggestion to look at - my alcoholic husband left in January and it has been an absolute eye-opening life saver for me. Find rl support too eg counselling, charity support groups, alanon whatever you can find. I was totally bereft a few months ago and feel for you utterly. Thinking of my 2 daughters future was what honestly has kept me strong. Good luck, don't look back xx

thatstripedthing Thu 25-Jul-13 10:11:26

Hello, fated. Any update?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 22-Jul-13 14:30:05

I know sad
One thing I will advise is that he won't give up the drugs for you. He might give them up if he has an eye open moment and realises that his habit is bad for his life. Losing you might be an element if him realising that. But if he tries to stop it because you want him to and he is scared of losing you then it will fail.
If you want to give it a chance then go no contact with him and tell him that if he decides to change his habits himself to contact you in 6 months.

fatedtopretend Mon 22-Jul-13 14:04:17

Talking, so many tears, this is hard.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 22-Jul-13 14:02:08

What is still going on fated?

fatedtopretend Mon 22-Jul-13 13:53:37

Still going on sad

tightfortime Mon 22-Jul-13 00:54:51

I've read all of this and wish you well as you move on, I truly hope you do.

I've been abandoned literally, in a foreign city with few friends, by a man who chose his gear over me. Zero self esteem allows that to happen.

Think of DD, would you want his for her when older? Of course not. She's worth way more than that, right?

So, why aren't you worth more too? You are, you know.

Happier times ahead with the cuddles and the Corrie, but with a real man who has his priorities right.

BloomingRose Sun 21-Jul-13 23:39:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Sun 21-Jul-13 22:52:22

At first you said you just wanted advice on how to feel less stressed. You haven't said what made you give him the ultimatum.

If it's 'just' that the stress of the drugs use was so bad you couldn't be happy with him, then that is still a good reason to split up.

Jaynebxl Sun 21-Jul-13 22:42:14

How did it go?

RenterNomad Sun 21-Jul-13 15:09:57

That's a terribly sad history of relationships. Good luck with making life a bit happier today....

fatedtopretend Sun 21-Jul-13 11:23:00

He is awake, I'm dropping dd off then going round, sick again hmm

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 10:00:01

Just don't take DD with you.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 09:59:43

Go round now, get your stuff and leave - you don't even need to wake him up.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 21-Jul-13 09:58:56

What if he says he'll stop?

What if I said 'pigs fly'?

Both are equally believable.

You owe your daughter and yourself more than this?

Does your daughter deserve you dying through using some bad shit on a night out? Does she deserve you being with this loser? Does she deserve you being stressed out all the time?

Do you deserve to be dragged back into taking drugs?

Do you deserve to be worried when he's out?

Do you deserve to be in a relationship where he lies to shut you up?

Do you deserve to be in a relationship where he's too off his head or coming down to spend weekends with you & DD?

Wise up my love - you can leave him & I know you don't believe it, but your life will be better.

fatedtopretend Sun 21-Jul-13 09:57:55

I'm getting more and more worked up waiting to go round.

I wish he would wake up hmm

Viviennemary Sun 21-Jul-13 09:53:02

Sorry not to be more positive. But this is obviously making you really stressed and unhappy. Which is absolutely natural. If he isn't going to give up his drug habit I can't see this changing. I don't think the answer is try to train yourself not to worry. Being worried about this is a commonsense reaction.

mypussyiscalledCaramel Sun 21-Jul-13 09:47:04

You are not his priority, coke is.

He doesn't worry about you, is not concerned about your feelings.

His priority is coke, his worry is coke.

How do you know he's not taking it at other times?

All that will happen is, you will watch him fall apart, get deeper into his addiction and there will be nothing left for you.

He is the one that has to get out of this.

You sitting back just gives him more opportunities to have his fix.

I would personally find out all I could about his DOC, then find a forum such as and ask your questions on there.

joblot Sun 21-Jul-13 09:36:16

He wants to have his cake and eat it. Or coke and snort it. Work on your self esteem and get rid

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 09:32:23

Of course he will say he will stop. He said it before and you stayed-so what is different this time?

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Jul-13 09:10:09

He almost certainly will say that. Do you believe him? Nothing changed after April. Why would it now?

fatedtopretend Sun 21-Jul-13 08:27:30

What if he says he'll stop?

I am clutching at straws I know.

Figgygal Sun 21-Jul-13 08:08:46

Christ get as far away from him as possible!!

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