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help me to leave him to enjoy himself

(156 Posts)
fatedtopretend Fri 26-Apr-13 23:50:31

Name change for obvious reasons. Dp takes a lot of cocaine when he goes out, we do not live together, he keeps that side of his life mainly separate to ours. I have decided to take a step back and not let him know I worry about him on his 'nights' out. Can someone try to give me advice on how to stay away from my mobile phone whenever he goes out? I worry about him dying, getting arrested or getting into fights until it makes me ill but it drives him away. He knows I worry and does try to keep in touch when he's out but he is not the best at remembering to contact me. I want to give him the freedom to not feel guilty about enjoying his time with his friends but have no idea how.

fatedtopretend Sat 27-Apr-13 00:36:03

I don't know what to do

scripsi Sat 27-Apr-13 00:40:20

It would be wrong to tell you not to worry, as he is putting himself in harm's way.

He is putting himself in harm's way and apparently couldn't care less that this is causing you stress (so he is guilt tripping you for caring?!).

I think you should leave him to self-destruct on his own time.

thornrose Sat 27-Apr-13 00:48:20

You can stay with him and somehow come to terms with his choices or leave him and find a relationship without the worry and heartbreak sad

olgaga Sat 27-Apr-13 00:53:30

He's the one who's needy!

You'll have a miserable life with this man. You love the man he could be, not the man he is.

Monty27 Sat 27-Apr-13 01:04:41

He'll drag you down with him, and I'm not saying you'll take it again, but he will drag you down.

Run. Fast. Don't look back. Love yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 27-Apr-13 04:05:07

How old is he? Not that it makes a lot of difference but if he's older it may be more entrenched.

I was married to a musician coke-head for years. They don't change so you are going to have to. My advice, run. Coke makes you selfish, self-centred, miserable, twitchy and boring. And, it fucks your body and brain up.

Failing that, play the good girl for a while, don't check your phone, don't text, don't mention his nights out, then wise up in a few years and run anyway.

Lavenderhoney Sat 27-Apr-13 04:33:49

Well, I suggest on his big nights out, you get together with some friends and have a night out yourself.

You might meet someone who doesn't do drugs and treats you nicely. You don't live together so at least you aren't legally or financially tied to him, so run away as fast as you can.

Coke heads are selfish, paranoid, egoistical. He probably does more coke than you think. Does he pop to the loo the minute he arrives at yours? Check the cistern, he will have a stash somewhere. He will say he won't, but he will.

I was unlucky enough to have a coke head bf once, but I left when I found out he was a coke head. I really missed him, but it was the right thing to do.

PurplePidjin Sat 27-Apr-13 04:54:13

To him, the coke is more important. The realistic chances of him being straight all the time and only taking drugs when with his friends are nil. Unless he gets into rehab and has an immense amount of therapy over several years, he will never be the partner he pretends to be between binges.

He is not your partner. He is a selfish twunt who fakes it to keep you sweet.

bleedingheart Sat 27-Apr-13 07:32:34

It isn't 'giving up' to end a relationship that causes you hurt and stress. So many women describe wanting to make sure they've done everything they can and not give up on a relationship as if they are not allowed to end it otherwise.

He chooses cocaine over you. He knows you are worried. He knows you want him to stop but he still does it. Surely he's the one who needs to try to change, not you? You will struggle to be happy with this man. You will worry every time he's out. I couldn't live like that and I don't know many who could.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 27-Apr-13 07:35:38

Do you have children?

You can't stop being worried about his drug habit because you know it's wrong for him to act like that. Snorting vast quantities of coke for 2 days every few weeks is not behaviour many people would choose in a partner and you are asking how to persuade yourself to think this is not something to worry about. You can't, and shouldn't.

This behaviour will become intolerable to you, sooner or later. If you have kids it had better be sooner.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 27-Apr-13 07:36:51

How did you stop, OP?

SacreBlue Sat 27-Apr-13 07:41:38

Panda Quite frankly, I'd be giving him total freedom to fuck off and take his coke habit with him


OP I thought a guy was lovely til I discovered his chronic weed habit - they will always love their drugs more than you. IMO they only ever see you as another 'ride' literally at the funfair they have in their head. Best thing is to get rid before you find your life rubbish strewn and covered in vomit...

HighJinx Sat 27-Apr-13 07:54:19

I love him immensely, he does not reciprocate sad

You have no idea how to stop worrying about him while he goes on a drug fueled bender because you are a decent human being. Don't lose that.

You deserve to be loved and respected by your partner. However good the good times are, I think you know that there isn't going to be any happily every after with this man.

I think you already know that what PurplePidjin says is the truth
He is not your partner. He is a selfish twunt who fakes it to keep you sweet.

Meringue33 Sat 27-Apr-13 08:07:49

He is a drug addict, it is an illness. Has he even admitted he has a problem? If not then recovery could be many years off (or he may not recover). He is risking injury, jail and death. Al-Anon may be useful for you to help you decide how you want to live your life, given the situation.

Diagonally Sat 27-Apr-13 08:11:43

Of course he doesn't reciprocate. He loves the drugs, not you.

He is a heavy drug user, you are codependent.

No one in their right mind is going to advise you how to enable him further than you already are.

TweedWasSoLastYear Sat 27-Apr-13 08:11:50

If he really is doing 3g of quality ( it will not be 100% pure unless he is importing it from Columbia in KG bags) cocaine he is probably spending £100 - £200 for the pleasure.
I am going to guess that he lives with you alot of time, you look after him and do some washing , all the cooking , and cope with his come down.
He is probably doing a tiny amount every day as well , doubtful that he can go for 2 weeks without any at all then go crazy for a weekend.
Do you go away on holidays abroad?
Does he buy you naice things ? Flowers even?
Do you both own your homes ? as he is pretty much spending a mtg on class A drugs.
Do you want to live with someone who is addicted to an illegal substance.
Sounds a little strange and i dont think there is anything you can do to stop yourslef worrying he hasnt snorted a shed load of horse tranquliser and is having an allegeric reaction.

Just say no kids, look at what happened to Zamo.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Apr-13 08:19:44

I think too that you are codependent as well on this and that state is also unhealthy. Forget him and give him the boot as of now, you need to sort your own self out first and start loving your own self for a change.

I am wondering too what you learnt about relationships when growing up because you've likely learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff to accept this now as your lot.

You are putting this relationship before your own wellbeing to your own detriment. He loves the drug more than you, you mean nothing to him really.

MarianaTrench Sat 27-Apr-13 08:20:34

Being with an addict is ultimately a waste of time. He will either hit rock bottom and change, or he will carry on like this for ever. Hitting rock bottom might take years and will usually involve getting in lots of trouble - work, finances, legal.

I would run like the fucking wind. He sounds like an immature selfish dick. You can do better than this.

redskynight Sat 27-Apr-13 08:35:23

You are in a codependent relationship with an addict. If you really want to learn to detach from what he is doing, then try going along to an Al Anon meeting and ask how to do that, you can learn how. Personally I would not put myself through this relationship, but I realise that when you are in the middle of the insanity of someone else's addiction that is easier said than done. So at least look after yourself. Go to Al Anon or talk to a therapist.

Dahlen Sat 27-Apr-13 08:48:11

Where do you want this relationship to go?

Do you plan on living together at some point? Because if you do are you aware that you are potentially getting into a situation where your house could be raided by the police, you could end up with a criminal record, you could wake up one morning to find he has died from heart failure in his sleep...

Why on earth would you do that?

Do you hope to live together but with him being free from drugs? You could be waiting an awfully long time. He's clearly an addict if wants to stop and can't. IME people with coke addictions that involve all-weekend benders don't stop at all if they haven't knocked it on the head by the time they become a grown up with responsibilities. How old are you both?

If you don't plan on living together and just want to learn to switch off from him, concentrate hard on building your own life, with your own friends and your own interests. Throw yourself into them. I very much suspect that if you developed your own, fulfilling life independent of your DP he would cease to become your DP in no short space of time.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. If they are, something has gone badly wrong.

BicBiro Sat 27-Apr-13 08:59:06

his main relationship is with the drug, not you. can you accept that?

it's not a good thing to turn yourself inside out trying to accommodate something someone else does when it makes you unhappy. you will end up resenting him

StuffezLaYoni Sat 27-Apr-13 09:11:15

Listen, I promise you, there are handome, kind, funny, generous, hard working men out there who don't have to fill their noses with shit to have a good time.
Could you imagine having kids with this guy? How could you ever trust him with a baby? If kids aren't something you want, how about YOU? Do you want to spend your time surrounded by drugs?
I promise you, there are better options than this kind of life.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sat 27-Apr-13 09:25:49

Once you are past your early twenties, or once you have DC, or once you have a partner who doesn't share this sort of lifestyle... then I think continuing with these regular weekend benders is rather pathetic, and it shows you there is something lacking in the person. Why can't they grow up?
I do think people can change, but you should be thinking about if he doesn't change, does not want to - do you just basically want different lives?

You can love someone but be incompatible to share a life you know. Then it's really better to say goodbye sooner rather than later.

TurnipCake Sat 27-Apr-13 11:03:30

There are three of you in this relationship and you're the OW.

I went out with a guy who enjoyed a line or seven on a weekend. As he came up, the quality of the conversation went down, he would sleep in until 4pm then mooch around for hours and then wonder why he would get a cold & comedown in the middle of the week. He's now dating a woman who has a bigger habit than him, all they do is get high and have sex.

FarBetterNow Sat 27-Apr-13 11:19:33

Fated: everyone here is giving you the same advice.
Many of them haved lived with a coke head so they DO know what they are on about it.

Just finish the relationship - get him out of your life.
Don't try to help him give up his habit.
You've given up yours years ago and are not responsible for him.

You don't live together so it won't be a massive upheaval.

A partner will come into your life who wants you and spends his time thinking about you, not about his next line.

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