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it´s all just become normal now

(19 Posts)
crystalclear70 Fri 26-Apr-13 23:07:26

I have posted before and feel rubbish that I havent sorted things out yet. In meantime have been to counselling with partner and one positive thing is feel more in control, react better to situations. But today he just came out with that he d seen a program about a hyper-sensitive woman and how her family were managing to live with her. You know what it reminded me of you, he said. I thought, well I must be hyper-sensitive then if Im getting upset ! I just didn´t react at the time (which was a plus point). In the evening we ended up having an argument and I pointed out he was the one who is always over-reacting. He started on about the program again , saying I was just like her. I asked him if perhaps talking like that would make someone feel bad..ie me! I also asked him why is he still with me if he thinks so little of me - and he just didnt register that. I burst into tears and went off (its been a tough week generally). My stupid voice in my head said..maybe he ll come up and just make up, and say he didnt mean it like that. But I havent seen him since.So thats that. I probably am hyper-sensitive, but at the same time I´m thinking - how can he just talk at me like that and not understand it´s making me feel completely rubbish. Have things got to that point where all this is just normal now. Or maybe he really is so dim that he just doesnt register that kind of comment isnt going to be productive..it was probably just his way of showing me..look Im right, look at the state of you. I know I blew it by showing any reaction at all here.

cjel Sat 27-Apr-13 09:10:33

Oh you poor thing. was he saying that hyper sensative women were bad? was there any hint in what he was saying that he was understanding your issues and will ing to help poor you get over your hypersensativity? I've never heard of this myself, its sounds from the same people who say people who are raped are 'asking for it' He sounds like the violent man who says 'you made me do it'. I would say that you have every right to your reactions and your post sounded like 'sorting it out' to you would mean leaving the relationship? What do you feel like doing? How are you this morning?

LisaMed Sat 27-Apr-13 09:28:03

"Hey, I've just seen a tv programme which has some good phrases in that I know will upset crystalclear70 and get her to STFU and do what I want." is my guess. You don't sound hypersensitive to me.

Could you try counselling for just you? Good luck.

scaevola Sat 27-Apr-13 09:35:37

What are the underlying issues that lead to all these arguments? For being upset when there is a good cause is not hypersensitivity, nor are frequent upsets if the root cause isn't tackled and is frequently triggered.

Citing 'something off the telly' isn't a good way of dealing with the root causes.

Lueji Sat 27-Apr-13 09:47:53

In meantime have been to counselling with partner and one positive thing is feel more in control, react better to situations

That's why he did what he did. sad

He doesn't want you to be in control of yourself. He thrives on you getting upset.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 27-Apr-13 12:42:45

I have no idea whether you're sensitive or not but you're definitely living with an insensitive knob....

EllaFitzgerald Sat 27-Apr-13 14:12:08

So he's horrible to you, and then when you get upset, he tries to make you believe that you're the one with the behavioural problems and he's the one that deserves sympathy for having to live with you?

I agree with Cogito.

tethersend Sat 27-Apr-13 14:17:29

Tell him you know what he means, as you watched a programme about a massive wanker the other day.

crystalclear70 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:16:19

firstly, thanks everyone...today I have just remained as neutral as possible, have just been avoiding any type of confrontation or getting into ridiculous antagonistic type arguments which he seems to love. the reason he said it was because of some daft situation - I had said something that had questioned his behaviour in some way and that was his way of getting back at me. He didnt go as far as to say hypersensitive women were bad cjel, but the whole conversation was just this --look at you---of course I can compare you to this woman who is impossibleto live with---type attitude. He is often ambivalent and provocative in this way. Me being me I did take it really badly, but thats because I ve been on this emotional rollercoaster with him for so long, where I have at times felt out of control with frustration and anger with him for his passive agression. I have had counselling for myself too and am dealing better with this too. Now, I just try to keep away from him and avoid. Just sometimes when u r knackered I fail. scaevola, the underlying causes are his passive-agression and me trying to continually sort things out- he s unemployed and has given me no help financially since January, he s got debt which he doesnt worry about, his son owes him money which he refuses to chase that type of thing. he has also a very laid back attitude towards child-safety which winds me up big time and does cause me anxiety. Any time I try to broach issues- in a deliberately calm way now - he totally throws back in my face. Its impossible to just sit down and clarify any "things we need to do" type conversation eg lock front door at night, close childgate, make sure two year old is always in sight when in garden (or at least lock the garage door so that he cant go wandering in there on his own). Just normal safety stuff. He even used to leave the five year old in the bath with the door closed whilst drying the two year old. I discovered this on a couple of occasions. Firstly I reacted very loudly which didnt help, but afterwards when calm he still couldnt handle it. I guess the basic underlying problem for me is this inability to talk things through. When we are with the counsellor he is of course charm and ease and thought itself. very frustrating! Plus theres just the usual stuff, with two kids under five any relationship is under strain and no one feels brilliant all the time. But these communication issues are just not helping. Our counsellor has said that is the main problem and that if he is not talking to me, its because he doesnt know what to say. But its more than that..the lack of willingness to clarify and structure a little bit at least is , I think passive agression. Im not trying to control him, but its just to give me some sanity back and the kids , two boys with loads of energy,need this too. He does think Im trying to control him. Im living abroad (he s german) and our kids were born here.my language skills are not fluent tho. I can get by. This is also knackering in itself trying to communicate in a clear way. Doesnt help that he imitates me when annoyed. Yes I am sensitive..but I am out of my depth, if I were not in this country Im sure I would have got out of this a long time ago. Cjel sorting it out I think would be to have a break from each other. When I say this to him though, he doesnt take me seriously. The house is in my name so he would have to be the one who leaves. But he s not leaving, on his birthday (bad timing but it just happened that way) I finally asked him to leave and go to his mums at least for a week. But that eve he came back saying he couldnt live without seeing me and the boys. I said OK, but things have to change. Today I was thinking I should rent a cheap flat nearby, he stays there and then comes at weekends. I could go to the flat or we just muck on together depending on the atmosphere. That way the kids wouldnt have to move house with me. I think he s aiming to be so skint that I end up working full-time, so that in any separation he would be the one there for the kids. OK maybe thats slightly paranoid. But if he doesnt start bringing in any cash I will have to work more hours, which is not what I want with two little ones, my time with them ( I work til 4pm) is the only thing that is keeping me going here. We are not married btw. Sorry that was a long one, hope it made some sense !

Lueji Sat 27-Apr-13 15:31:50

Is he doing anything to get a job?

It seems that you have a cocklodger as well as abusive.
He doesn't seem fit to take care of the children, even.

Tbh, I suspect you should get out now.

Madamecastafiore Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:13

He can talk to you like that because he is a cunty man who doesn't love you or he would actually treat you with respect.

I bet he never saw a programme at all!

turbochildren Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:20

He sounds like a man who's got everything + you to mess about aswell. he is mocking you by mimicking you, calling you hyper sensitive and being an arse regariding the children.
Take your children and go home on holiday alone, you can up to 28 days. Also get a solicitor to help you throw him out of your house. He is winding you up and making your life extremely stressful and decides that you are the one who has to leave? No way. He is not looking after the boys properly if he does the things you have described.
Sorry to be a bit harsh here, but what you are describing is someone messing with someone else, and then mocking them for their reactions. Not good.
Sadly, it's probably not good for the children either.
Check out the thread for those in EA relationships, and see if you recognise stuff. It sounds like it to me.
You are explaining yourself perfectly well, and I will go so far as saying I can guarantee it's not you who have communication issues .

crystalclear70 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:39:13

I ll go back in the summer for a break turbochildren on my own w.kids. The kids are doing better now generally that I´m not engaging in his provocations. Last night they were already asleep, but yes that is obviously on my mind a lot as something I´m trying to protect them from, which is why I took the counselling option seriously.. I might rent this place out, and move to an area (in the same city) where there are some bilingual schools ..would be for 2014 but round this area there aren´t any . So that would be one way round it and important for me with the English....I should probably try to build a better support network here too somehow. I have given him a lot of chances..and nearly gone crazy in the process. Im staring to loose my energy and health here. It has to stop...we would probably just get on loads better as "friends" as there would be no expectations. But thats forgetting any feelings I have for him. I got this place when I was pregnant with my second..it was a mistake , I should have just moved out and rented somewhere on my own in the first place ( we were in his flat before) . When I met him he wasn´t like this (ie with no kids!). He ll probably be completely normal again tomorrow. I wish he would just decide something for himself for once but I guess that won´t happen so he can justify feeling sorry for himself when I end up deciding its over.Thanks again for comments - it really helps to hear Im not going crazy..

cjel Sat 27-Apr-13 18:57:31

Oh now you are not crazy - but him?- I feel a big mistake you made was letting him back when you wanted a weeks break, that says it all doesn't it, You wanted a break, arranged it and he couldn't even do a few days fror you it was all about him,How a counsellor can say he isn't talking to you because he doesn't know what to say!! How on earth does she know what is in his head if he doesn't? It may well be worth you saying you have to have a break again,and stick to it this time. he doesn't sound as if he is treating you well at all and a break may give you time to see what life is like without this pressure

turbochildren Sat 27-Apr-13 19:22:36

I'm glad you have a break coming. Talk to people you trust, they'll be supporting you ( and you'll feel better at how horrified they'll be at HIS behaviour!)
Maybe even speak to a solicitor, I don't know the system in Germany, but many European countries have 1/2 hour free legal advice available.

At danger of sounding alarmist, he won't be 'normal' ever, as you have to 'not engage in his provocations'. That is not right, he should just leave you be and not provoke at all. He is doing it on purpose. That's not childfriendly at all, and not considerate for his children's mother.

Your plan sounds good, maybe there is a way to speed it up? For you to get peace of mind and him off your back?
You are clearly a very capable woman, and not in your own country which adds to the challenges.
Just repeat as a mantra that you are not crazy, over-sensitive, over reacing or anything.

crystalclear70 Sun 28-Apr-13 18:21:58

yes cjel, if it hadn´t been his birthday I might have been firmer. Plus he was already back at home. You´re right though, I have to believe life should not be like this...it´s a good starting point. turbochildren, I agree he won´t ever be normal..his grown up son says he never argues with him as its too difficult. the son is the type who wants an easy life but even so it helped me to hear that. today I just felt really down, he was nice for about 30 mins but that ended when I just couldn´t shake it off and now he´s back to being Mr Distant and Wronged! same old story. the other plan would be, I head back to UK, find a job and make it work. If he wanted to be with us, it´would be on my terms then and I´d have my support network of family nearby (or near-ish). I don´t want to cut him out of my kid´s lives, I´m also afraid of finding myself in another country for ever if Im always putting him first. (ie we stayed here as he has two grown up kids here already. I wanted to go back before). My little one is primary age now. I mean if Im prepared to live here but apart, he could do the same in the UK right, if things don´t work out there either. sorry, its all a bit complicated.

turbochildren Mon 29-Apr-13 12:33:45

Yes, It's more complicated when you are away from home. I would get home though, if you have a network and helpful family. That would hopfully also help you to put things in perspective as it's not just him and his version of things covering your horizon. See if you can get Residency Order for the children, as you are the one looking after them and supporting them financially. The Haag-convention is there for a good reason, but is a total pain when you want to get away from someone for an equally good reason.

I'm still struggling with the thought that my children will be better off with less of dad in their life, but am starting to see the logic. They'll be worried and try to placate him all their life, and worst of all, may copy his behaviour. For me, if my sons act like their dad to anyone, I'd be most upset. So if you feel that your children copying him would be not great, to have some distance might actually be good for them.
Sorry about atrociuos grammar!

crystalclear70 Tue 30-Apr-13 16:47:49

did you also spend time away from the UK turbochildren ? I hope you are feeling clearer about your situation, I hope you dont mind I read some of your posts and it sounds like you have done totally the right thing, that´s no life what you were describing and you deserve better and your kids will only benefit that its not something they have to live with every day. With mine, theres no clear-cut cause of the problem and he is very loving with the kids (despite his wierd safety ideas). But having said that, theres no reason he can´t live near us (or with us if he calms down), I dont need to live out my life here for him. If I could rewind I would have insisted he came to UK in the first place so at least I was on home ground, but then in the old days we didnt have all these issues, I was hoping for a more stable relationship with him. you´re right it´s about coming to terms with situations..it takes time and strength to believe in what´s right or to accept what has gone wrong.

turbochildren Tue 30-Apr-13 17:07:04

Hello Crystal. My situation is reverse, I'm a foreigner in the UK.
I'm writing with the benefit of hindsight, and know that my situation was probably on the bad end of the spectrum. Sadly, reading on here though, it seems disturbingly frequent.

Just for yourself, and then by extension the children, to be home with a good support network will be a huge change for the better. It may moderate his behaviour aswell, come to think of it, because it's your home turf. that's just a guess. I'm hoping to go home eventually, and then if x decides to follow suit I have the upper hand so to speak.

I'm happy for people to read my posts, as I found it hugely helpful to read on here and get a sense of what is more normal and what is less.
I think just the very fact one comes on here and questions oneself means the other is more likely to be wrong, because they would never do that. If that makes sense.

children calling.
Will keep an eye, so feel free to carry on conversation if it helps you keep your head!

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