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Tired and fed up (probably too long, apologies)(10 Posts)
Dp is 23, I am 28, been together on and off for 4/5 years and we now have ds 14months.
There have been issues throughout the relationship (I was seeing other people at the very beginning, he thought we were exclusive, I've caught him texting other women, porn etc) and so there were trust problems and also control and aggression from him (which he probably thought was justified).
Anyway, fast forward a few years and we have ds, who is very much loved and wanted. I had a traumatic birth (15 days overdue, very fast reaction to induction, shoulder distocia, back to back labour) and pretty quickly developed pnd, although I feel I was probably depressed during pregnancy too. Dp decides 10 weeks in, that I'm making his life hell, he doesn't love me anymore and decides to leave. After a month or so and me seeing a doctor, he agrees to move back in. We made a huge effort and things seemed better.
Now, a year down the line, it's all falling apart again. We haven't slept together in 8 months (I'm not attracted to him if I'm honest), he works ft but barely lifts a finger around the house, I work 16 hours a week, just been promoted, so that goes up to 20hours soon and I'll still be left with the housework, managing bills and money etc. No trust or control issues anymore. Just total indifference. We never talk, we have separate groups of friends and social lives, his evenings seem to revolve around watching and playing football at the moment, but I'm glad to have him out the house if I'm honest.
There is a complete lack of interest and support from him, he never asks how I'm getting on at work, didn't seem interested in my promotion. And the final niggle was when, couple of weeks ago, my stepdad had a health issue, meaning my mum had to temp cut down on Childcare duties. Rather than support me, he was more worried about how it might affect his football schedule. I can't rely on him for mental or emotional support at all.
The one positive is that he's a great, involved dad. Loves ds to bits and is very hands on and engaged. It's just our relationship that feels dead. Not sure how long to go on like this. Sorry, bit rambly. Not even sure what I'm expecting to hear, just really down.
mistakes I can think of a few things here.
1) Are you ok apart from this relationship? You mentioned PND?
2) If no, see a GP and see if you can get some counselling. It might also help you decide what's best for you in this relationship too.
3) If yes, 100% sure this is all the problem, your options I guess are:
- talk it over with DP and see where he is and if willing to work at it (could try relationship counselling?)
- call it quits and move on.
(If one of those options fills you with dread, then you probably need to do the other one....)
Good luck working through it, whatever you decide.
Lightafire, thanks for replying. I'm sure it's not pnd, I received treatment and feel completely different to how I did last year.
As for the other options, I suppose that's what I was expecting.
We've had the same discussions over and over again and I suppose I'm just tired of saying and hearing the same things.
Will have to speak to him one way or another. Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply.
No problem - it's very hard when children are involved I know. You sound worn out with it all - what does he say when you speak to him? Does he have any interest in trying to get the spark back/have date nights, that kind of thing?
It's all talk and no action really. It's not all his fault, I know I've let things slide too. The last time we talked, he told me that 'he wasn't going to commit to a bigger house with me, until I sorted myself out ' I've talked and pleaded for him to help me around the house, I've put a rota up but no change. It feels like I have a teenage son as well as a toddler to be honest.
Not sure where I'm going with this. I'm sure he's miserable too, I think we're both just scared of where a proper conversation about it may lead.
I suppose this isn't an excuse....but, he is only 23 years old. Perhaps it was just all a bit too quick for him to move in with a partner and have a baby. As you are older than him you have those vital few extra years of maturity. My oh is older than me and I probably annoy him with my teenage like behaviour. The thing is we don't yet have children and I can still retains some of this selfish immaturity for a few more years!
My ex was exactly the same! I kept slogging away though, hoping we could sort it even though I was fed up. Eventually he walked out - I was gutted at first as I thought we were starting to fix it, but now I'm glad to be free of it (even as a single parent.)
Talking is scary - but you both need an answer. Either to work out a deal where you both make some compromises and make it better, or to agree you can't find a way. But it does sound like you can't go on as you are - it's obviously grinding you right down.
What is it he wants you to do in terms of "sorting yourself out"?? Do you feel he is being fair in what he wants from you?
And agree with skinny - I was wondering about his age too.
In all honesty this sounds like it's a relationship that would have run its course had you not had your DS. You sound ill-suited and as if you're just making each other miserable.
You say he's a great dad, but there's no reason why he can't continue to be a great dad but not your DP.
Thanks for all of your replies. Dahlen, I'm beginning to think that too if I'm honest. I do wonder if it would be better if we could co-parent and try and build some sort of friendship for Ds. It's just a scary thought though. Not what I had planned, but I don't suppose anyone does plan to be single parents. I really do appreciate the replies, it probably seems like a fairly straightforward situation. I was probably just looking for some kind of validation on my side of things.
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