Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm going to contact my aunt, sister of the mother that left me age 4, she wants me to get in touch, what the hell do I say!?

(13 Posts)
CrapBag Fri 26-Apr-13 18:04:58

My mum left me when I was 4. I haven't had any contact since except her dad telling me that she didn't want to meet me and had blocked out that part of her life (she was 16 when I was born, left when I was 4).

My aunt lives in the same city as me and wanted to get in touch before. We were going to meet via my grandads wife (grandad had died) but sadly she died before the meeting could happen.

I wrote to her once but didn't get a response so wondered if she had thought twice about wanting to get in touch.

I met with my grandads wifes daughter recently and it has come about that my aunt does want me to get in touch and I now have her email.

What the hell do I say?! I have also found out that she is close to her sister (my mum) and she comes to visit her (my mum moved away from this city when she left me, but I wasn't aware that she comes back here). I think this closeness has come about more in the last few years. Obviously I imagine that my aunt would tell her sister about seeing me, but I as far as I know, my mum still doesn't want to know me.

HELP!!!!!!!!! Please. smile

baskingseals Fri 26-Apr-13 19:00:56

Do you want to see her?

What are your expectations? You sound excited - are you feeling good about yourself and life at the moment?

digerd Fri 26-Apr-13 19:20:30

I think your aunt has things to tell you and ask you. Your mother was unmarried and 16 when she gave birth to you, but don't understand why or how she could have left you aged 4.
Who brought you up?

I would go and see your aunt. Don't worry about what you say, just listen to what she has to say and respond as you feel.

Wish you all the best.

betterthanever Fri 26-Apr-13 19:53:22

You sound very together and whilst sad that your Mum left you when you were only 4, you seem to somehow have come to some terms with that (please don't ask how your post makes me feel that but it does).
I think it is about managing expectations - if you hope this will somehow lead to meeting your mum and it all being wonderful and then that doesn't happen would you feel disappointed?
I always think you can never have enough nice people in your life - if she is and you get on great.. not matter what is said or what happens down the line. Good luck with whatever you decide.

PigletJohn Fri 26-Apr-13 20:21:20

It may not be what you should hope for, but IMO you might regret it it forever if you don't give it a try.

The worst that can happen (perhaps) is that you will end up pleased to have lost contact.

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 20:23:48

I don't think you have to say anything, just be pleasant. You don't have to say anything about your life, or how you feel. Can you take someone with you? For support and to talk to, as you don't know what this lady is going to say?

I hope it goes well, good luck.

CrapBag Fri 26-Apr-13 20:46:31

Basking I feel that this is a link to my mum and that side of the family. I am the only child (ok now 31). There are only a few elderly aunts, my aunt, my mum and me left now I have been bitter and angry about it my whole life (mum leaving me). I have always said that if I saw her I would probably punch her. Deep down (and I have never ever admitted this in my life, this is the first time so here goes.....yes I want to see my mum. I want to talk to her and I want her to want to see me).

I used to have sporadic contact with my aunt but this ended years ago. I probably wouldn't even know what she looked like if she walked past me in the street. She doesn't have children, her mum died before I was born, her dad is now dead, all she has is her sister and a few distant elderly aunts. I don't think she has much to do with them.

I am not great about myself and am having a hard time at the moment, appealing against ESA and am finding it stressful. I live with a long term health condition and I am being assessed next week to see what sort of therapy I should have for yet another bout of depression. In a way and this is really not to sound 'poor me' but I have had a hard life in some ways and I kind of don't really expect much anymore and have a pessimistic view of things and if they turn out better, then thats great, but I don't expect much from anything really.

digred what do you mean you don't understand? She left one day, literally. I was at my nans for the weekend, when she took me back, my mum was gone. My nan (dads mum) brought me up.

better really? That did make me laugh actually. I am not remotely together and I have never come to terms with my mum leaving me. Yes if I am honest I would be disappointed not to meet her but I still would like to contact my aunt, especially as she wants to get in touch as well.

This isn't about meeting up at the moment, this is about what do I put in the email to my aunt? I don't know how to word something from the neice she hasn't seen since I was a child.

AlnwickRose Fri 26-Apr-13 22:48:52

I take it that if your mum wanted to be in touch with you she could have found you pretty easily. So if you are hoping that contacting your aunt will end in that I think you might have to prepare yourself for disappointment. You could keep it light and chatty and a bit of a 'catch up' sort of a tone but I really wouldn't set too much store by it.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 26-Apr-13 22:53:07

something about you have been given her email address and was told that she might be interested in getting in touch. if so, she could email you back or meet for coffee somewhere.

something2say Sat 27-Apr-13 10:42:58

Hello, I remember you from before.

3 strands to my answer.

1. It may be that you could form a new relationship going forward with your aunt. That may be good. But there may be the downside that it brings proximity to your mum, and the resulting question 'why doesn't she want me?' How do you think you would manage that?

2. I thought it very brave of you to admit that ou wish your mum had loved you. Of course you do, we all want that. It's a great place to start from, but for some of us it leads to grief, because our parent didnt want us, and that hurts.

3. Regarding your current life, it sounds as tho you are still massively affected. That's ok. But in order to reach peace as an adult, it may be worth addressing the loss and grief. It is one thing to pine after something, and a whole other thing to stop and say, I don't have it, I will never have it and it hurts. This is a corner turning realisation and a thing of its own. You can be about the grief now, not the chasing of the absent love, with the grief round the corner. Accepting that your mum behaved as she did, for her own reasons, plus she doesn't even want to make it right now, may be the truth.

I live with this myself. My mother abused me and the family knew and all stood by. I don't see them. From the moment it took that decision, life changed for the better. Yes there is the grief and it does hurt and it doesn't really go away, but also there was new life. Without the possibility of them. Untainted new life for me. So while I am advising you to maybe think about accepting your mothers utter crapness and her continuation of that, I too live that way and think you might be happier with that clean wound. If that makes sense xxxx. Keep us posted.

betterthanever Sun 28-Apr-13 14:56:08

crap you are doing better than you think then. It is good you are addressing this issue - well done. Are you being treated for depression? if you are having any counselling then maybe you could talk to them about this situation and if not maybe you could get some therapy. I think if you email your aunt you need to be honest about how you have not got over your mother leaving and you are hoping the contact with her will help.
Keep moving forward and helping yourself to get better. I am so sorry this has happened to you but we can only control our own thoughts and actions. You have a wonderful life to live please don't let someone else's mistakes and problems impact on you. Keep posting on threads and get as much support as you can from all sources. Most people are very nice even though it doesn't feel like that at times. But ultimately it can only be you that changes things (I have been there). You sounds like such a nice person.

ElsieMc Sun 28-Apr-13 15:30:27

I have been in this situation except my mother gave me up for adoption. I had tried to trace her for a long time, but then was suddenly contacted via a website by her sister. She gave me a mobile number to ring on a certain date and then told me my mother did not want anything further to do with me. As I had not had any real expectations, I was not shocked but her reasons for this did shock me. She said the two children she had kept did not know about me and she would not risk them thinking badly of her if this got out. I said I felt very sorry for her if this was the case. I was told not to contact her again. No real explanations were given to me. I have respected her decision.

However, I do have my adoption file with letters from my mother. She mentions her parents, grandparents and family home. She makes no mention in any of them of a sister.

MadBusLady Sun 28-Apr-13 16:14:17

Keep it short, simple and open-ended, I think, until you know more about her - she has failed to reply to you before, after all. Just something to put the ball into her court:

"Hi x,

It's Crapbag, Y's daughter. I really hope you're well. I managed to meet up with Z recently which was great, and she mentioned you'd like to get in contact with me and passed me your email.

I won't write a big long email right now, just wanted to see if you were happy to be in touch?

Really looking forward to hearing from you - or if you'd rather not reply for any reason then please accept my best wishes.


Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: