I've just reread this. It's long. I'm sorry. But if you can face reading it, I'd love any thoughts. And even if you don't, writing it down has been quite helpful.
I get on very well with SIL and consider myself very lucky that DH's sister is someone I not only like, but can rely on. I'm pleased to say that she seems to feel the same about me. our relationship works I think, because we do act and behave like sisters in that much as I genuinely like her and vice versa and we are supportive but we probably wouldnt' be friends if we weren't related, IYSWIM?
Anyway, she has a long term DP, who is also a very nice man. Not someone I'd be friends with usually, but I like him a lot and think he's lovely. But... their relationship is terrible. They love each other, but are intrinsically very different.
She's very family orientated and close to her extended family, even though she doesn't see them that much. She's got a professional career that has taken her years to build and achieve and she works very hard to build it further for both her own personal satisfaction and because she needs the money to pay off years of student loans. She is gorgeous and sticks to this with a regime that requires lots of gym time, which she genuinely enjoys.
He is kind and loving but he's a homebody - happiest when they're at home just the two of them. He likes to cook big, heavy meals and spend hours eating together over the table. He has a fairly physical job, but works his 37 hours per week and no more even though he also has some major debts that need paying off. He has little family of his own and while he's great with her family, he doesn't really want to spend that much time with them. He is lazy - has started a few things since they got together which have then just petered out, even though she has given him lots of support, both emotional and financial.
The problem is that for various historical reasons, SIL tends to take responsibility for failed relationships and the rest of her family are quick to blame her too. So whenever they have a fight because he's annoyed she's gone to gym or he's resentful that she doesn't want to eat the pasta with cream sauce he's made, she takes it on and thinks its her fault for being so "difficult". And when she finds herself frustrated with his lack of energy and drive, she thinks that she is a nagging bitch who doesn't have the ability to accept someone for who they are.
She wants a baby, and time is running out for her, but is understandably nervous about having one with him.
My problem is that I want to be supportive of her, and be there for her. But I also want to tell her to move on and dump him. Not because he's a bad person but because he doesn't have the same goals in life as her. But I know I can't really do this and I don't know what to do?
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Relationships
How to be supportive to SIL but also honest?
9 replies
BlingLoving · 26/04/2013 15:30
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