Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating thread no 52

(1000 Posts)
BillMasen Fri 26-Apr-13 15:11:11

The first one started by a bloke?

Bant Sat 27-Apr-13 11:21:44

Flipper. Were you being chatted up by Yoda?

I'd respond with 'How bad your English is?'

JulietteMontague Sat 27-Apr-13 11:46:50

Bant there really isn't much more we want grin

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 12:23:05

feeling a bit low this morning as regards nameless. had nice enough evening, sex was a bit less amazing than usual, but thats ok. woke up this morning & he was asleep on the sofa, he came back to bed grandparents phoned & he asked if i could take call in the other room, which is fine. when i came back he was asleep with his back to me, so i got back into bed for a bit & then got dressed and tried to let myself out, but i couldnt, so he got out of bed to let me out, quick kiss goodbye, then i got to the train station and someone had jumped under a train, so i'm currently on the sodding replacement bus.

i'm over-thinking things, arent i? he's unwell & i'm being a bit selfish & feeling unloved in general, life stress is making me feel weird & see things that arent there. sad

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 12:24:49

sorry, on bus, so will catch up properly later but grin grin grin for velvet

Flipper924 Sat 27-Apr-13 12:37:32

Why did he go and sleep on the sofa, Snape? If it was because he was in pain and the sofa was more comfortable, then I expect he was just really, really tired. Give him a chance to catch up on his sleep and then call, him, perhaps?

Flipper924 Sat 27-Apr-13 12:40:42

I'm tempted, Bant, to reply with

about 10 years, I think I looked better then

And see what he says.

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 12:44:29

yeah, no reason to think of for sofa other than i'm dreadful and twitchy to sleep with hmm or he was restless & didnt want to disturb me. was just a bit of a shock to wake up alone in somwone elses house & any other time someone hasnt been there (xp) it's because theyre a huffy sod.

i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. i feel a bit insecure because we.dont have plans & noone has said anything about where we might be going. arguably it might still be a bit early for that, but i just feel a bit odd. this is odd after being single for so long. sad

Bant Sat 27-Apr-13 12:53:23

Snape - just enjoy what it is. It is what it is, and it may become more. As soon as you start asking 'where is this going' then there is pressure, which makes things less likely to go anywhere. If you enjoy things the way they are at the moment then do that and try not to worry.

Does it need to go anywhere? Can't it remain scrabble and movie sex and talking about stuff - like saying it felt a bit weird to wake up alone, you hope your snoring wasn't too bad?

Flipper924 Sat 27-Apr-13 12:53:37

I think that insecurity is normal, if that's what you were used to. I'd try not to worry about one event, being tired and in pain is enough of an excuse to be a bit grumpy, especially if he's feeling more relaxed with you now.

mercury7 Sat 27-Apr-13 13:00:55

I'm jealous of anyone who can actually manage to sleep in the same bed as another person...I am now so weird & reclusive that I cant sleep if there is another person in the premises blush

sleeping together (where sleeping is not a euphemism for sex) seems like a level of intimacy that I'll never be able to cope with again sad

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 13:41:32

I think it's a culmination of events actually. He obviously hasn't done anything 'wrong' other than having M.E. (... raises eyebrows at self) it's a couple of knock backs for jobs this week, no money (as usual) DS2 problems (as usual) I saw someone on the train station yesterday that I didn't want to see hmm tired from long day at work on Thursday and grumpy from no-carbs (a HUGE potato would sort this out) and I feel a bit (ugh!) needy and I resolutely REFUSE to be needy.

Finally back home and I am going to watch zombie films for a bit and then head out to the supermarket then doctor who. Yay! <successful compartmentalisation of small, blown out of proportion problem>

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 13:58:46

Snape first of all, you are not being 'selfish' there's nothing selfish about acknowledging what you want and what makes you feel discomfited.

The legacy left by relationships that don't work out for whatever reason is a kind of wariness that seizes upon 'signs' that things are about to go wrong in an attempt to protect yourself. It's ok for Nameless to feel below par and grumpy, perhaps he's feeling the effects of his condition more than usual, perhaps he was sleeping badly and didn't want to disturb you.

It is hideously hard not to overthink things but ultimately the anxieties run the risk of both making you feel unhappy and damaging the relationship, it's corrosive and futile, just enjoy yourself. .

Big hug and Dr Who tonight.

Bant Sat 27-Apr-13 14:15:25

Alright. A red flag question. This is a hypothetical, but I'm interested in people's thoughts on it.

Everyone seems to agree that a man slating his Ex is acres flag. Whether its calling her a psycho bitch from hell, or just being denigrating in general.
What's the parallel for women saying bad things about their exBF or exH? Is this a flag too?

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 14:23:52

I can isolate it though. It's most likely me blowing it out of proportion as a cumulative effect of the week I think rather than anything else. It'll pass. If I still feel like this next week then we can maybe talk about it.

Not necessarily in the context of me, me, me.. But interested by bants point about enjoying what it is as opp. to pondering where it is going because then there is 'pressure' added and it then goes nowhere... Then how do things ever 'go' anywhere? Do people just slide into longer term things? Do they wake up in their sixties thinking 'oh! You're still here?! Ok then...' Wondering if that's a cultural gender difference, women wanting to formalise things and blokes being content to let things roll. (Fully expecting chorus of very evolved and content women to voice their approval of letting things roll) or whether it's an inherent biological reproductive thing? (Disclaimer, no intention and probably no capability of reproducing here... hmm).

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 14:50:56

Bant - I don't like prospective dates slagging their exes off, it's always a red flag for me but then I'm terribly averse to bitterness. I don't think I would see it any differently if it was a woman doing it.

Snape - I would never admit to it, except on here, but I do definitely construct a weird 'happy ever after' for myself and the object of my affections, only if it's someone I'm in love with though. In my head I frequently rehearsed the first dance at Spud and my wedding, his hugely moving speech to the guests along with their tearful reaction, our grandchildren frolicking together. I did feel vaguely ashamed of doing that and was fully aware that it was ridiculous and like I say, I Don't Talk About It.
For what it's worth I think it's pretty normal to imagine a future with someone you care about.

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 14:52:25

I feel dirty now and not in a good way.

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 15:01:19

nora I feel slightly less weird now thank you (of course we never speak of these things!!)

With regard to ex slagging, it's context. First date or two, either sex, hell no. [redflag] months down the line in context of discussion, I wouldn't so-much-mind a slagging because at that point you'd have an idea of their overall world view regarding the opposite sex and you'd be able to ask questions to establish what's going on here. A DV survivor referring to their ex as a psycho bitch/bastard when they trust you enough to tell you is substantially different to that discussion on a first date.

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 15:11:23

Thank god for that, Snape, I was worried that it was just me.

As ever I agree entirely with your expansion on the ex subject, it's the whole meeting someone and within 5 minutes they've told you what a bastard their ex was, those people who almost define themselves by their hatred. I think being open with someone in an established relationship about what you've been through is different and healthy.

Obviously I'm issue free... arf.

ALittleStranger Sat 27-Apr-13 15:11:31

I think anyone ranting about exes to dates is a bad sign. I don't even talk about past relationships in a non-bitter way, unless it's strictly necessary for some reason. I even managed to keep schtum when I realised one date used to work with my awful recent ex.

I've been thinking about the whole FWB. Is this basically what people are calling a short-term, not hoping to be serious relationship? It seems to be an increasingly shifting definition. To me a FWB is a friend who you slide into sleeping with, but neither of you wants a relationship. Meeting someone with a view to turning them into a FWB is taking a lover in my book. And introducing your new shag to your friends is what you do with a boyfriend.

Bant has got me thinking about the gender split in OD success. Most men I know who have done it have, if looking for a relationship rather than sex, found it very easy to find someone attractive, smart and get into a relationship. But they then always complain that the woman has issues (The number of allegedly mad women out there makes me v hmm). Are neurotic women the potatoes of men's OD world, or do they just have a low bar for baggage?

Bah, I have wine doom. I'm having a day when I feel lonely. I want someone to flop on a sofa with and cook for me.

Winefiend Sat 27-Apr-13 15:19:57

Morning! Eh, afternoon.

Well, that was a weird evening. Yes, so within a few hours of being here he opened up (a big thing as he has beem quited closed off about his past) about various stuff - past relationships, his mum etc. Very interesting stuff and a lot of it I had correctly predicted. I am gooooood!

This is a weird one. Despite the mass of filth leading up to this weekend (and last time we met), we didn't have sex! We both kind of agreed to 'get to know each other' more first. Instigated equally on both sides.

Ehhh, what? This is highly unusual for me.

Winefiend Sat 27-Apr-13 15:20:50

Typoooooos. Please excuse me, I didn't go to bed till 9am. hmm

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 15:23:38

I reckon Stranger that every adult has 'issues' of one kind of another, I don't see how you get to adulthood without acquiring them, nobody is perfect.

I'll come round and cook your tea and flop down on the sofa with you.

KinNora Sat 27-Apr-13 15:25:57

Wine what's going on ??? at this rate I'm seeing an opening for a thread millinery business, 'Nora's Titfers' as a working title.

ALittleStranger Sat 27-Apr-13 15:27:10

That sounds lovely Winefiend, there's a lot to be said to knowing that the person will still be there if you wait to get to know them.

Cheers Kin! I think you're right about everyone having ishoos, the secret is to keep the baggage nicely packed.

Snapespeare Sat 27-Apr-13 15:30:18

Ahw wine that's good! It's a proceed with caution.

stranger oh I LOVE the term 'taking a lover!' grin I think the fwb term has muddied, I always used to think of it as a friend that you slid into a mutually convenient itch-scratching arrangement with. I think it's now referred to as someone that you meet off the Internet or otherwise and have a sexual relationship with, but there is no prospect of commitment or romance or anything other than a booty call. I don't know if this is regarded as how modern people do things. I might be a bit old-fashioned hmm

This thread is not accepting new messages.