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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I forgive or move on?

41 replies

outdoorlover · 26/04/2013 07:54

I have been with my DP for just over a year, we don't live together or have any children together. I found out about a month ago, he had slept with his ex twice during our relationship and had been texting her the whole length of our relationship. He had various excuses, eg she was blackmailing him, threatening to ruin his career (they work in the same line of work), he felt sorry for her as she has a disabled son, and he feels he doesnt deserve to be happy as he left his wife and son for her and feels guilty about this and feels he should be punished.
He begged and begged me to take him back and said e realised how much he loves me and can't live without me and he'd make everything right. I halfheartedly gave him another chance. Last week I heard from his ex and she said he'd been turning up at her work trying to see her and emailed her sayng he'd missed her.
He is adamant she won't leave him alone and she turns up in his office with her skirt hitched up and sends him dirty texts about her used underwear. He said she's crazy and he can't get rid of her.
He has now broken down saying he's glad it has all come out and he can get himself some help. He has booked a counseller and is desperate to prove to me that he is the nice guy i thought he was and that we can be a proper family. He has taken this really hard, and is crying and can't eat or sleep etc.
What would you do, run for the hills or give him one ast chance? I really did love him like i've never loved anyone before all this came out but like i said to him, i loved the person i thought he was!

OP posts:

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Longdistance · 26/04/2013 08:16

I'd run for the hills.

It sounds like a lot of hassle tbh.

VoiceofUnreason · 26/04/2013 08:19

Move on.

He already has form, if he left his wife and son to be with this now-ex. And he cheated on you.

Now, you decided to forgive him cheating on you and give it another go. And now you find out more. His ex COULD be the one lying, stirring things to get him back. It seems, based on his past, it is more likely that he is the one lying. If he is telling the truth, knowing you knew he'd cheated on you before, if this woman was stalking him and sending him dirty texts, he'd be telling you about it right up front and every time - showing you the texts etc - to prove it was all from her.

Personally, I think you should leave. You're worth more.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 26/04/2013 08:22

Move on.

Staryeyed · 26/04/2013 08:23

So far from what you know, he isn't a monogamous person. He has cheated on his wife and you. What about that information would make you want to give him a chance?

A year in and all this drama. I think if you stay with him there will be lots more to follow.

AThingInYourLife · 26/04/2013 08:25

Run for the hills.

"He has taken this really hard, and is crying and can't eat or sleep etc."

This is from the habitual cheat handbook, p.221

The idea is that man tears are so much more rare and valuable than crappy old lady tears that we must forgive them anything just to stop them crying.

Planetofthedrapes · 26/04/2013 08:25

Please don't waste any more time on this chancer.

Lueji · 26/04/2013 08:28

Mountains.
Everest size.

NotTreadingGrapes · 26/04/2013 08:29

What Lueji said. With bells on. (but not those ones that moo cows wear on the mountains to be found)

NotTreadingGrapes · 26/04/2013 08:30

(I would also seriously doubt his relationship with his ex is that ex)

AnyFucker · 26/04/2013 08:30

Dump

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/04/2013 08:34

Run for the hills.

You are worth so much more and he's just messing with your head.

LandOfCross · 26/04/2013 08:42

Run very fast.

oldwomaninashoe · 26/04/2013 08:43

You loved what you thought he was, that really says it all!

You are heading for more heartache if you give him a second chance, his history tells you he is not to be trusted.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2013 08:49

He's a serial cheater. LTB.

AuntieStella · 26/04/2013 08:50

He's in a mess. He needs to sort himself out, and only then embark on a new relationship.

And it's better for both of you that you do not attempt to pursue your relationship until he has healed. So I think space unless and until he can show himself free of baggage, assuming you want to be a proper partner to someone, not a nursemaid to this man who is currently demonstrating by both word and deed that he is unavailable to you.

mylovelymonster · 26/04/2013 08:51

Absolutely cut all ties and move on. You are worth much more than he has and could ever offer you.

YellowTulips · 26/04/2013 08:55

What do you do?

Do you really need to ask?

The guys an asshole and clearly doesn't respect you.

Respect yourself and walk (run) away.

Xales · 26/04/2013 08:56

I don't think you should run for the hills.

I think you should run for the nearest STI clinic as asap.

Some of his excuses are shit 'she was threatening to ruin his career'. What has changed to stop her doing that?

Another true to form script from a cheater that his ex is psycho...

How long a gap did you think there was between you and her and how much was there really?

A year is not so long. Nurse your broken heart and find better.

whattodoo · 26/04/2013 08:59

I couldn't forgive and forget this. He is a serial cheater, liar and manipulator.

imour · 26/04/2013 08:59

cant believe you have to even ask !

lemonstartree · 26/04/2013 09:03

I'm with everyone else. Dump. Today. Delete his number /all contacts. Move on. He is a liar a cheat and a weak spineless individual. What's to love ?

tallwivglasses · 26/04/2013 09:04

15 years ago I thought everyone deserved a 2nd chance. The 3rd chance came because ,he had MH problems. The 4th because we had a baby. The 5th because by that time I was so worn down and lacking in self-esteem I didn't think I desrved any better. If mumsnet had been around then it could have saved me 10 years of misery with a cheating twat. Listen to these wise ladies, OP. They know of which they speak!

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VoiceofUnreason · 26/04/2013 09:11

tallwiv and wise MEN, too, some of us :)

bringbacksideburns · 26/04/2013 09:11

Dump him. It looks unanimous.

FlightyAphrodite · 26/04/2013 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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