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for SAHM's?

(79 Posts)
mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:20:23

I just wanted to know what the role of a husband and wife should be. The husband is in full time work, the wife is a stay at home mum? In my house I do absolutely everything even when my husband is off... I really do mean everything... all he does is go to work. on his days off he pleases himself...

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:01:48

do i love him? - when he is nice.. when hes not i loathe him

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:06:11

my mum and dad do understand, more so my mum. it must be frustating for them because I was brought up in a house where my mum and dad respected each other. my brother and his wife have the perfect relationship too, there is so much history to this relationship that mym um and dad no longer try to encourage me to stick it out and try to make things work. they have accepted he will never change and just want me to get out ...

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:09:08

i think i just need a hug skip outside my house to get rid of all the clutter in my house, there is toys everywhere just all sorts. its not dirty but i just have tooo much stuff

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 26-Apr-13 11:12:09

I think 2 young children and an untrained puppy, and no help at all form dh, would be enough to grind anyone down tbh.

What would be your ideal solution op? To have him help a bit more and not be abusive to you? You might not be able to have that - he would have to see that his treatment of you is unreasonable. The problem is that he is quite content with you doing everything and him just doing as he pleases - heading off to football and leaving you to clean up after him etc.

I would suggest a serious conversation about both your roles and family life, and him having more responsibility around the home - but as he's already abusive to you, I woud be worried about that abuse escalating if you start to assert yourself more.

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:13:52

although I think you meant huge I would give you a hug if I could! I am glad your parents are understanding, it makes a huge difference to have hat support. Please stop judging yourself from others 'perfect' relationships. Don't you just hate it when parents are right? I didn't get of my backside to start blush got distracted by a teacake thread blush

PleaseDontEatMyShoe Fri 26-Apr-13 11:17:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Choccywoccydodah Fri 26-Apr-13 11:17:10

We had friends that used to both work, and have a day off at the weekend each.
We always thought it was odd, but now we have a ds, we can see why they did it. (We own a business that runs itself so we're both home every day and take it in turns).
BUT, you also need time together. That's where our friends messed up, currently splitting up 8 years after child was born.........
It's hard work looking after a child 24/7, but it's also hard work working, you've just got to reach a compromise. Maybe you have Sundays together, and take every other Saturday in turns or something like that smile

ITryToBeZenBut Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:41

I'm slightly intruding as not a SAHM but i wanted to put a different perspective on it.

My other half is a SAHD. I work. Long hours. In what is considered a stressful job.

But -we support each other with cooking, housework etc. I know his role at home is difficult and don't expect him to somehow cook, clean etc. If he can, he does. What he doesn't do in the day, we share in our spare time. I'd say this reflects what you say is respecting each other mummy Doesn't matter whether you're the mum/dad in my view, people in supportive relationships support each other.

Sometimes there isn't time for it all and I'd rather get home, put the baby to bath/bed to get time with him, then return to work later in the eve until 11pm say and just have to ignore the pile of ironing because we'd both just rather have a bit of family time than worry about the little things. Our compromise is agreeing together that as along as everything is clean even if messy then it's ok.

I just don't get your DH's view. How one person expects the other to do everything? Being at work shouldn't automatically give you a pass to help around the house if your other half is doing their best but needs help.

I don't have much constructive advice just wanted to say that I really feel for you, I really do.

Choccywoccydodah Fri 26-Apr-13 11:18:42

By day off at the weekend each, I mean they were both off work for 2 days, but used to have a day to themselves each and the other would take the child somewhere.

meddie Fri 26-Apr-13 11:19:49

My ex was like that except I also worked full time and had two kids. My life became infinitely less stressful and more pleasant when I booted his sorry arse out. just a thought.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:21:42

You have to protect your sanity. You sound burnt out, or pretty close to it.

What would happen if you just relaxed and did less? Got a cleaner, occasional ready meals, let some admin go (not everything needs re-subscribing to, etc)?

Also, do get rid if what bothers you. Clutter is depressing to look at.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 26-Apr-13 11:25:03


SolidGoldBrass Fri 26-Apr-13 11:25:51

You need to get out of this marriage. This man is abusive and he basically doesn't consider that women are human beings. This attitude is impossible to change.
Remember that you don't need his permission to dump him. Get some advice from Women's Aid etc on the practicalities - would your parents let you move back in with them for a while? Or are they the sort who will insist that women really are men's servants and you need to stop moaning and obey your husband? You will get benefits as a single parent and your H will be legally compelled to pay towards the DCs' upkeep.
Best of luck, but don't waste any more time on this man. He isn't worth it.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 26-Apr-13 11:27:38

Ah Xposted: your parents are on your side so let them help. Write the marriage off. It's not fixable because he will never lose the conviction that you are a 'woman' ie somewhere between a pet and a household appliance, and that he is entitled to control and exploit you.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:28:07

another thing is he puts on an act when people come round. he does nothing when its just me and him but my friends came round for an hour to see the kids a few weeks ago and all of a sudden he started doing the dishes and mopped the kitchen.... I was in shock but I was onto him and my friends even said to me it was obviously just an act... he only speaks to me abusively when no one is there. when my mum and dad are there he speaks to me like a nice person would. to be honest, when he does it makes my skin crawl... even when we are on our own and he tries to be "affectionate" i feel awkward and dont like it

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:33:40

my parents respect marriage and advise me on what each of our roles should be but they do not think i should be walked all over. i should be respected by my husband. obviously being a sAHM i should be taking care of the general running of the household while hes at work but when he is off work he should be supporting me and helping round the house and with kids and not going off pleasing him self all the time. what they did say is to do everything i should be doing so that i cannot be accused of not doing my job and if he doesn't change then leave...

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 11:34:25

Invite your friends round more, specially when you have loads to do!grin Seriously, tho', you don't like him. He makes your skin crawl. There seems to be nothing worth saving in your relationship. You know what you need to do.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:41

what a good idea haha... i do know but i need to wait till he messes up again (probably tomorrow) as i did tell him this was his last chance

rollmeover Fri 26-Apr-13 11:36:53

Crikey, hes really done one on you. You are not stupid nor is this your own fault.

I am a SAHm. My dh works 12 hours 5 days a week, and at the weekend we have a lie in each, he takes responsibility for our dd food, nappy changes etc. if he is home he does bath and bed. I do all the cooking, cleaning, house stuff. He does the finances. We both have equal access to those finances and I can (within reason) buy what I want without asking as can he. We both have regular time off/away eg gym, night out or coffee with friends, hobbies. Thats what works for us. We do fight sometime, neither of us are perfect, but we are a team. The minute he said he wasnt going to do stuff cause it was my job would be the day I would be out of there.

Please speak to your parents. If you do want to leave it might feel daunting but you can take your time, get a plan in place re housing, job, what benefits you are entitled to.

You do it all just now anyway, so being a lone parent will actually be less work for you if you are not picking up after him!

Lavenderhoney Fri 26-Apr-13 11:41:08

And how long have you been at the point where you are doing everything and should leave?

Your parents sound lovely and must love you so much to have the courage to support you and let you decide for yourself - not forcing you so you somehow convince yourself to go back when he says it will be better, and not blame them.

The pretending round others shows he knows he is an arse. He sounds worse every time you post, tbh. I wouldn't bother with a showdown, he might get nasty. And you've been through it before, nothing changes and you stay. Can you stay with your parents, sort the divorce and house sale from there - call women's aid etc as you will need advice, and then look at beginning again without this millstone round your neck.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:45:51

i have always done everything to be honest, they just mean dont stop doing things around the house to get at him because it will make me even more depressed...and he will use it against me... my mum and dad want me to come home NOW... but the are on holiday at the moment and want me to wait till they get back so they can support me

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 26-Apr-13 11:46:03

OP, your post of 11:28:07 is sad and scary.

He is abusive. He knows his behaviour is not acceptable, hence changing it when observed.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:50:11

if you were all to meet him you would think he was a lovely person, everyone thinks he's great... and his mum and dad are responsible because they have brought him up to think he is the most important person and to only think about himself.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 11:53:48

to be honest i just dont know whats up with him... he's not evil... his parents relationship broke down because of similar reasons. not because his dad was abusive but because he was a lazy git and she had to do everything for herself... he hasnt had any guidance. i have my parents have brought me up to respect people around me, to want to do things for people i love. i used to enjoy doing things for him. i used to like making his tea, etc. now i resent it

Choccywoccydodah Fri 26-Apr-13 14:35:30

Was he an only child, and spoilt rotten by his parents?
(I'm not stereotyping onlies btw, I might have an only yet) just curious.

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