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for SAHM's?

(79 Posts)
mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:20:23

I just wanted to know what the role of a husband and wife should be. The husband is in full time work, the wife is a stay at home mum? In my house I do absolutely everything even when my husband is off... I really do mean everything... all he does is go to work. on his days off he pleases himself...

mummyof2kidsx Thu 25-Apr-13 22:21:19

btw I have two kids 4 and 21 months, and a puppy xx

prettywhiteguitar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:28:38

Have you seen the many other thousands of threads on this !!

Dahlen Thu 25-Apr-13 22:29:50

There's no 'should be' about it really. It's whatever works for you as a couple. But defining what 'works' can be quite tricky. It has to mean that you are both happy with it, genuinely.

Sounds to me like despite not earning wages, you are doing far more work than your H. You may want to read this book if you're having trouble putting into words a feeling that this is somehow unfair on you but you're not sure why.

Chottie Fri 26-Apr-13 05:06:04

Just a thought...... at the weekend after a busy week

Could you both take turns to get up and sort the children out in the morning so the other person could have a cup of tea in bed and a bit of a lie in?

Do you do things together as a family at the weekend?

schoolshoeblues Fri 26-Apr-13 05:59:55


I am sahm too. I organise the house and do the cooking, DH does very little in that front, but will help out in earnest if I ask him too - he was raised in a house where mum did everything, so housework and cooking don't come naturally to he naturally leaves everything at his feet.

As far as the children are concerned, he is really hands on when he is not working (he works til 11 most nights), and we take turns for lie ins at the weekend. On his days off, he will mostly let his free time revolve around us and what I plan for him.

That said, I often worry with the stress if work, and trying his best to be there for the kids that he has no time for himself, so I like for him to have a least another interest outside the family unit to have some down time on his own.

This is easy for me, because he is in involved when he can me. Your DH needs to learn hoŵ to compromise, because at the moment, there is none...

Poor you, you must be exhausted and frustrated. Sending you some flowers


mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:09:27

My husband works days and nights but he works 4 days in work and 4 days off. We do do things together with the kids when he is off but with regards to housework I do everything with no help. He might do the dishes every 6 months, he doesn't mow the grass, I haven't had a lie in since my ds was born 21 months ago. If I ask him for help he gets angry and it will be something simple. he says its my job cos he works and that his days off are his relaxing time. He plays football as a hobby, occasionally goes the gym.runs. Goes out with his mates for drinks, plays on his ps3. When he is off work I actually am more exhausted cos I have to look after him aswell..

Slainte Fri 26-Apr-13 07:11:53

Ask hin when is it your "relaxing time" OP?

MaryPoppinsBag Fri 26-Apr-13 07:16:17

He is being an absolute cock!
You deserve a break too.

I've been a SAHM now a Childminder . But we've always shared alternate lie ins on weekends / holidays.

Dear god your man wouldn't last a minute in my house.

abbyfromoz Fri 26-Apr-13 07:22:11

I have one (just turned 2) and 2 puppies. DH works from home a lot. I do all the cleaning, laundry, any ironing etc. We alternate mornings as DD wakes up at 6 most mornings and if DH doesn't have to rush to the office I don't see why one of us can't have a little more sleep time. DH deals with dogs (feeding, walking, pooper scooping)... I tried walking them with DD a few times but they pull on the lead... Impossible with a toddler who wants to help walk them! I deal with getting DD dressed, lunch, dinner, play dates, activities. He helps with bed time (he does bath & story, i make bottle, put in. P.j's and we both say goodnight). We do grocery shopping together. Since 50% of the time DH works from home, I need to keep DD out of his hair, so I often take her out of the house. If i meet friends, childcare is more often than not left for me to sort out, unless we are doing something as a couple... Then DH will sometimes arrange a babysitter himself- or ask me to do it. I do most of the cooking. If i cook, half the time DH will clean up and vice versa.

LadyintheRadiator Fri 26-Apr-13 07:34:11

What was he like before you had children? Did he spend his days off doing fuck all of any use then too?

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:51:03

Well I had my daughter at 19 and we were still still living at home before then. I moved in with him a couple of months before she was born and its been the same since. He doesnt want to help, he doesnt think he should have to.. He has never cooked tea, or even made me a cup of tea.. Its like he is staying in a hotel but I think he'd do more in a hotel than he does in his own home.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 07:51:37

I sort out childcare, he never has to worry about that. He just does what he wants

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 07:56:10

I do the cooking, sometimes some cleaning.

He does the laundry,washing up, bins, gardening.

We 50/50 night feeds, changing dd,.bathing etc.

We toss a coin to decide who does the ironing.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 08:09:49

LookingForwardToMarch - can we swap husbands? hhaha maybe you can train mine.. He has never done laundry, never cleans up, he'll empty the bin but only if I ask him to and will moan about it, He doesnt do gardening. At the moment my grass is reallly long and my garden is full of rubbish that needs to go to the tip. We look dead scruffy. I don't drive or i'd take it myself!
He has never done a night feed with either of my children, he will change a nappy only if he really has to when I rarely go out, but if i'm there there is no way. He occasionally baths them but hasn't done for at least 3 months.

He doesnt do ironing...
He doesnt do ANYTHING....
and I cant do it all on my own. It's just impossible

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 08:10:37

and he says I MAKE MYSELF STRESSED! i tell him what I have to do and he says "and?????"

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 08:35:24

Haha no way Mummy, I know I've got a rare one here.

Can't take the credit for him though, his mum raised him like that so I guess it just comes naturally to him.

I could take your dh round my mil's and let her train him? Ha ha

LookingForwardToMarch Fri 26-Apr-13 08:38:37

I agree on one thing. That is way too much to be doing by yourself!!!

Might I suggest a strike? Do sod all for him, leave his laundry, just cook for you and the dc's etc.

Jibberoo Fri 26-Apr-13 08:56:01

I'm sort of a sahm. I work with my husband (but all I do is admin and the books) and I take care if the house and ds. While it annoys me sometimes when I'm tired that I have to do everything at home (dh does nothing in evening and weekends) I just remind myself that dh also gets fed up of being the one to work hard in a stressful job but unlike me can't ask me to do his job for him. When I used to work full time in diff job we did share housework but to be honest it's much easier to be sahm than it was working full time. It all depends on what makes you happy and what works for you. I'm lucky that if I'm really tired dh will help out at home.

Mumsyblouse Fri 26-Apr-13 09:03:41

I wish SGB was here as she does have a way of putting things so colourfully, but I'm happy to put it for you in my own words: he's treating you like a domestic servant and not a life partner.

Over the years, I have SAH, so has my husband, we've both worked part-time, we've both worked full-time like now. We HAVE to share chores, cooking and childcare on weekends because we both work, there's no one person making themselves all important and getting time off (like your idiot of a husband who appears to live in a fantasy version of the 1950's).

You need time off for your leisure and for you to relax. A lie in one day out of two. Him stacking the dishwasher, him cooking one meal out of the two big ones on weekend. Normal shared lifestyle behaviour (and believe me, our house is not tidy and our meals not gourmet, but at least we all know we have to pull our weight).

When you start speaking to other people you will realise not all SAHM have a husband like this. What you do with this informatio is up to you and how much you resent it I guess.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 09:33:17

I know he works and I don't expect him to do anytthing on the days he works but heworks 4 days then has 4 days off so for 4 days he does nothing while I am doing everything. I don't expect him to cook, I dont expect him to do laundry I dont expect him to go food shopping etc. All I want is the occasional lie in, even if its till 8am as im normally up at 6am! And maybe wash the dishes every so often and cut the grass when it needs cutting. he has had a brand new car for 7 months and he cant even keep that clean. it is filthy inside and out. he brings his dirty football boots home and throws them in the hall and they sticnk. he puts dirty clothes in my clean ironing basket, he put clothes that he has gotten out of the wardrobe that are clean to try on in the dirty washing basket when they have never been worn. he spills a drink and will wipe it up with a clean towel. He will get in the bath after football and leave mud all over the bath.... ASWELL as this, he speaks to me like I am a dog and is abusive...he just doesnt understand what a real marriage is like. I know because my parents are the perfect example. I have NEVER witnessed them having an argument, my mum is the main cleaner/ cook etc but my dad does his share. If she has to go out, he will clean up, he will sort out the garden, he will do diy. I rely on them for everything, if I didnt have them I would have had a breakdown by now... If I havent already

DragonMamma Fri 26-Apr-13 09:43:33

He sounds like a nightmare OP

I worked very very part time in a pub so I'm pretty much a sahm.

My rules are that when he's here everything's 50/50. He is brilliant with looking after the kids - he does all the baths and bedtime, takes them swimming, soft play etc to give me a break.

He also does most of the tidying and I'll do the cleaning. I'm the better cook so I do most of that but he will cook if I ask him too. He does the washing up or loading the dishwasher after dinner.

We get roughly the same amount of time to ourselves - he goes to football on a Saturday afternoon EOW and then he'll take the kids out for a morning in 'return'.

He also does any night wakings and gives me most well, all of the lie ins as I genuinely need more sleep than him and working until midnight a couple of times a week after looking after DC2 all day tires me out.

Oh, we have 2 dc. 5 and 2

Moomoomee Fri 26-Apr-13 09:44:01

I am a newly SAHM and I do most things. I have it easier because I only have one child and I have utmost respect for mums of more than one because phew, kids are a full time job!

That said, my OH does the washing up most nights and looks after DS when I finish up making dinner. That IMO is enough for me. However you know how much you feel is acceptable and yeah sure it's hard going to work but you both are parents and your OH should be involved to whatever extent in childcare.

Thing is looking after kids is a 24/7 365 days a year job and YANBU to ask for help!

musickeepsmesane Fri 26-Apr-13 09:45:37

This is about more than housework. He speaks to you as if you are a dog?? Do you know what, we have a dog and I sometimes wish my husband wouldn't be quite so .....loving and soft with it. I assume this is not what you mean. Your OH sounds like a selfish man. I think this is going to be a difficult thread for you, but you know this otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

mummyof2kidsx Fri 26-Apr-13 09:47:53

Yes I should rephrase that. It's just a saying but no we have a puppy and he treats him better. ok he treats me like dog POO!. hahah xx

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