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Divorce why does he always have his parents with him?

(18 Posts)
Homespun2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:36:45

I caught my husband having an affair last year. After 11 nearly 12 years of marriage. It looks like it started with our second child was about 3 weeks old and about 10 months before I found out. He wants to marry her. She has left her husband. In the mean time, he has convinced his parents to leave the home they really like to move in with him and be his full time child care as he want to go for custody. Their home is not far from mine. He has limited access (every other weekend and 1 night a week) but whenever he collects/drops off etc he is always with his parents. They even come in 2 cars, sometimes one child in each other times just one adult in a car and both children in the other. I am completely on my own as I know very few people in the area and feel very intimidated by all this, having never seen eye to eye with the in-laws. They see me as responsible for the break down (like I made him have an affair). So why does he bring them with him? Does any one else have experience of this even my legal advice does not know.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 25-Apr-13 17:40:57

I have no idea why he does this, but there's not much you can do about it unless they're actually threatening you on your doorstep.

He's not going to get residence of the dc, btw, in case you're worried about that.

wonderingsoul Thu 25-Apr-13 17:48:31

i would think its for his benifit .. so he can have a witness of any thing "wrong doings" that you may do or say he is doing? its the only lodigcal thing i can thing of.

its strange. xx keep your chin up though xx

AnAirOfHope Thu 25-Apr-13 17:51:51

Maybe he wants a witness if you kick off and he can use it in court to get the kids.

Just ignore be civil and if they threaten you call the police.

Nothing else you can do and it doesnt matter what the inlaws think now the marrage is over. Dont engage with then.

maidmarian2012 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:53:48

he sounds like a bit of a spineless wimp to me with Mummy and Daddy escorting him to your house.

Is he scared your'e going to say something to him? Like have a go at him for being a cheat?

Its weird.

And yes, no chance of getting residency, what a dickhead.

mummytime Thu 25-Apr-13 17:54:01

I hope you have legal advice? If you feel really intimidated or did when married you could try Women's aid for advice.

I would also start to reach out to people in your area, whether Mums from school or toddlers, or anyone else you know. Do tell people in RL what is happening.

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 25-Apr-13 17:59:18

I would have said current collection arrangements could stand as much against him as for him if it were to be a custody case. If he doesn't have the DC on his own, how can he claim he want more access?

Don't isolate yourself. Have you tried singlewithkids to see if there are any groups you could meet other people in a similar situation at?

What age are your DC? Mine were 1 and 3 when my XH left. I found making friends/ a support network easier when my eldest started school.

Its easy when you've been very let down (mine was an 11 year marriage too) to pull back from people to almost batten down the hatches waiting for storms. Sometimes you need to make a move and invite others to meet at the park or over for a cup of tea to start creating that network around yourself.

It would be very odd and rare if not unheard of for him to get full custody of the DC.

Have you actually ever spoken to your outlaws since he left?

My xmil was a bit off with me at first then in an oddly confident move I invited her and xfil for diner with the DC. We now have an okay relationship and they have a great relationship with the DC (and my new DD).

They see the boys with XH and with me. Would it work to offer them access to the DC via you as well as their contact via their dad?

Loulybelle Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:11

Just be as nice pie to him and to them, even wave if they are in the car, hes obviously a wimp and looking for any negative behaviour from you, dont give them any.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Apr-13 18:26:05

They are presenting a united front. Supporting their son. Quite why they feel so antagonistic towards you I can't imagine but clearly they have decided to 'stand shoulder to shoulder' with Mr Cheat in a very literal sense.

Lovingfreedom Thu 25-Apr-13 18:53:06

My MIL was all in favour of me doling out punishment and not letting him get away with it lightly...but once I decided to ditch her beloved little boy...I became the evil one! Mummy's boys...what can you expect? They won't get custody of your kids though. Don't worry about that.

Loulybelle Thu 25-Apr-13 18:56:17

Oh and if your the main carer of your DC's, no court will change that, unless there are serious concerns, your ex twunt probably knows that, and is looking for ammunition.

YellowTulips Thu 25-Apr-13 19:16:05

My guess is that in any petition for residency he will stress the great relationship the children have with his parents and how often they see them etc.

He isn't really thinking it through though. As a poster said above it could count as much against him as for him.

The upshot is any ruling is based on what's best for the children and that isn't going to involve favouring grandparents over their mother or a father whose strategy for residency is based on how well other people can look after his kids (or who can't even demonstrate he is able to look after his kids by himself).

I would get some legal advise to set your mind at rest but in the meantime just smile a "fuck you" smile and say nothing when they do their team pick up.

Homespun2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 20:00:08

Yes I have legal advice and she cannot see why he is doing this. It is the least of my worries, really, as he is being unhelpful at every turn. He can take as long as he likes as far as I am concerned, I am not waiting to get remarried. However it would be nice to have regular maintainence. It looks like court is my next move. Thanks all for your advice. I have thought about making contact with the outlaws but we never got on before really so why now?? It is no great loss to be honest.

MisForMumNotMaid Thu 25-Apr-13 22:10:32

For me the outlaws thing stops them being part of either side. Its sort of conflict reduction. They are there for the DC and see the DC happy and loved at home.

Its a very personal thing. Everyones dynamic is different.

I wouldn't choose to socialise with them, well I do have time for xfil, but for the DC its good to feel loved by as many people as possible. If they were local to me they'd be a good emergency contact for school in the event I couldn't be contacted, they're both retired so around in the day.

Stepmooster Thu 25-Apr-13 23:22:01

My DH's parents will often go with him to do pick up/drop off of DSS, its good for them because they get to see DCs.

DH likes the company, painful memories, having to see his ex and the other man. But I guess this is not the case in your situation OP as your ex is the one who did the cheating.

My money is on them wanting to see their grandkids. Lots of grandparents lose contact after their children divorce and would do anything to spend more time with them.

MummaBubba123 Thu 25-Apr-13 23:24:34

To intimidate and to have witnesses to a possible dispute and because he's a bullying coward who needs back up so that his guilt doesn't shatter the illusion that he is trying to create in order to absolve himself from all responsibility.
Total tit head!

Homespun2013 Fri 26-Apr-13 07:50:20

MummaBubba123 I think you have hit the nail on the head, with both comments!!
I will keep you posted how thing develop. Many thanks.

MummaBubba123 Sun 28-Apr-13 06:59:21

Use them to your advantage... be super sweet n kind so that, hopefully, their morals won't let them criticise you as they'll be lying!
They probably will still find something untrue, negative and nasty to say. But this way, it'll tug on their conscience.
Imagine you've also someone in the room!
Have your mobile voice record thingy on when they pick up so that you've a record of any exchanges. This'll
A) Encourage you to be saintly and resist your urge to bite
B) protect you from elaborated stories of what was actually said.
I have an iPhone - I'm site many phones have this. I used to record entire hour-long Uni. Course lectures (so that I could replay them to understand).

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