Please hold my hand while I try to get this toxic man out of life..once and for all

[memorylapse]

As the thread states really..I am trying to get the strength to stand by my resolve of no contact with H.
Back story is..I have been posting about this since 2010..I. a nutshell..married 11 years back then..met h many years before..he was attractive and charismatic and I fell for his charm..HE told me his first wife had an affair..but for the first three years of oyr relationship..I had to remain a secret to his ex wife..he said this was because she was going to sign over her share of his house..and he didnt want to upset her..She used to go round and see him..I now realise how manipulative he was being..but didnt back then..he told me he didnt want to live with me..and I felt that he would never commit..I badgered him to move in and he did..we married in 1999 and I genuinely belueved he loved me..we went on to have children but I. 2004..I became very ill after giving birth..from that point on..nothing was the same..then I. 2005..I became seriously ill and he refused to get medical help for me and I almost died..we split up but I took him vack and thought we were happy but deep down..I coukdnt really love him the same..He stonewalled me a lot., was unsupportive about my illness..I just felt miserable..I threatened to leave and he became a wreck..sobbing and texting me morning noon and night..begging me not too go..I stayed and ended up expecting another baby..three months after she was born..he announced that he had fallen out of love with me and my world ended..he offered no explanation and refused to move out..leaving me to deal with the news..I posted about it at the time and it was suggested that he might be having an affair...I discovered that he had been avidly texting and calling a woma. He worked with., he denied an affair..and I stuck it out..then I asked him to leave.the. he came back..I the. Endured 18 months of hell while he treated me like dirt telling me he didnt love me., but denying an affair..Finally when his behaviour became abusive., I was helped to move last may by the domestic abuse unit...at first I was happy..but h continued to call round..and implied that he might still love me..after christmas he asked to try again., so we started dating..one day I surprised him by driving to his work...to pick him up..just him and her were still there..I sat I. The car park and ran him on his mobile..he answered sounding flustered.And said they were cashing up..its a garden centre., I realised then what was going on., did some more digging and the whole truth came out..he had been having an affair with her since he told me he didnt love me..They hadbeen exchanging secret cards and presents on birthdays etc..his phone bill showed that he texted her up to fifty times some evenings and he confessed to sending her intimate pictures of himself I. texts...their encou ters took place after work...he was never interested in me even before we split..now I knew why further talks have revealed he thinks hes I love with her and when I confronted her..she said he told her our marraige was dead.and that he loved me but he wasnt in love...he says he cant live without her but xant bear the thought of not having me I. His life..I realise now he is a manipulative liar and he probably wont eve. Commit to ow..but I need to cut him out of my life..because I realise that ahat he actually wants is us both..and Im better than that but right now..I feel bereft and utterly heartbroken..and I cant see a future without him...even though I know Im better off without him and I dont want him...

[memorylapse]

Apologies for the typos and lack of paragraphs..things come out a bit strange on my tablet..

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

you certainly are better off without him!

Put into bullet points all the things he's done to you and read that list.

From outside of the situation, it is shocking, I assure you.

Why do you think you deserve to be treated like shit?

[something2say]

My dear,

All I can say is, wait a while.

See what then happens.

The empty space in life that you are afraid of will fill with living colour and peace. After all you have been through, you probably don't know this, and fear that life will be sad and shit without him.

Wait and see. Xxxx

What is your planned coping mechanism for not contacting him?

[memorylapse]

Thank you..apologies for the delay in coming back to this thread..my son had football practice..years ago..H used to say I was lucky to have him..because no one else would have taken me on..I was a lone parent at the time..I supposeI thought I was lucky to meet a man who was well known and liked locally..solvent..who owned his own house and seemed to think the world of me and my kids...he gave me a job cleaning his house so I could earn extra money..now I see how manipulative that was..the red flag was that when I asked where the relationship was going after six months, he said..nowhere..was I not happy with the current arrangment of popping round a couple of nights a week..as he didnt want a commitment..Current state of play is that he wants us to be friends!! And wants to pop round and see the children when it suits whilst conducting a relationship with ow at work..I need him out of my life......I will not contact him unless its to do with the children...but Im finding it hard..because I miss him so much

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

What do you miss about him?

The way he cheated on you? The verbal abuse? The way he used you? The manipulation? The not being there for you when you were ill? The walking away without giving a shit? the way you needed help from the domestic violence unit?

Do you really miss him? The person he is? The person who treated you so badly? You miss being treated so badly?

I suspect. Actually I very much hope. That what you are feeling is lonely. Wishing that the person you thought loved you had actually loved you.

You've been through a lot. It's normal to feel like you wish you had someone to cling to, to be there for you, it's normal to feel lonely and alone. But someone who has treated you with utter contempt is not someone to turn back to.

You honestly would be better served by getting some counselling and exploring why you feel like you miss someone who shat all over you for so many years.

[Finola1step]

What exactly do you miss about this man?

[memorylapse]

For many years I was very happy..the kids loved him..to everyone we seemed the perfect couple..But things started to go wrong in 2005..most of the time..he was a good man..but other times..he would stone wall me...refuse to enter into discussions about things....back in 2009 when I was going to leave him..he wrote a ten page letter saying how much he loved me..and admitting that he had caused problems in the marraige...now when I mention that letter..he says that he must have been on sonething and that he sees me for the monster I really am..

[memorylapse]

He has completely re written our relationship..saying Im a nutter and a monster..but I miss the man he once was..and the future I thought I would have with him...but I know that he is an abuser...and given what the ow told me..he is manipulating her too as she said she is unhappy that he wont commit to her

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

That 'good' man doesn't exist any more, if he ever did.

So regardless - you wouldn't get that man back.

You'd get the shit who crapped all over you and is still crapping all over you.

[memorylapse]

Sadly Ive seen this..problem is..I still blame myself..because I had an emotional affair I. 2009....I had made so much progress since I moved out., but a couple of months ago..I was dangerously ill in hospital...and he sat by my bedside every day..thus confusing me into thinking he still loved me..

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

It is very hard, obviously. It sounds like you have reached the "enough is enough" point. And that is good as you really have put up with quite a bit from him even from your posts here.

Proceeding beyond that point is difficult, imho, because there is a long road of recovery to process. Emotional abuse is insidious. It makes you doubt your own thinking. Counselling is invaluable in resolving the emotional confusion.

As recovery proceeds, (and it can be a two steps forward, one step back sort of dynamic) try to rely on some simple, basic rules that are carved in stone: I'll suggest the first one: You are not going to go back to him. It simply is not an option, so don't waste anymore of your life or brain space thinking about that. No Go. Red Light. Red Card. etc.

I know it is hard to not think about him. This may manifest itself as a sort of thought addiction (so a counselor can be of assistance). Otherwise use the tired cliche "think happy thoughts" because it really works and/or engage/focus your mind in a hobby that makes you think about what you are doing (so you can't think about him at that time).

[memorylapse]

Absolutely, I see that the good man doesnt exist, he is a selfish man who has thought of no one but himself..I personally do not believe he is in love with ow but is infatuated..their relationship hasnt progressed much past office sex..seems to me like he is in love with the fantasy of being adored and fussed over..she is older than him and buys him clothes, gifts etc..she is totally in love with him and I think hes in love with the adoration..looking back at the last three years I can see that all he has done has lie and manipulative me..he never intended working on our marraige and just carried on his affair. ? He was shocked when I moved out but I noticed that he very quickly set about manipulating me by being helpful and being around a lot..giving me a flash of the man I married..to keep me dangling....I think that I refused to let go properly because he has brainwashed me into believing that everything is my fault..he said he had an affair because I was a monster..

[memorylapse]

Incidentally..I have never behaved in a vengeful way., I didnt confront her and have a screaming match..and despite the fact that he has conducted his affair on company property with a member of staff. I have not contacted his head office..even though I have a good relationship with them as they use me to provide entertainment services..its just not me..so I dont see how I can be a monster

[memorylapse]

I dont want to drip feed but woukd also add that when we were living apart a few years ago whilst he took a new job and I sold the house..he left me with no money to live on but I discovered that he had bought a dvd player and several porn films to watch on it..when he announced he didnt love me..I looked at his pc and he had been looking at porn for months..some quite hardcore..and had also been looking at casual encounter sites..I checked his phone last time he was here..and he is doing it again.

[Finola1step]

Hi memory. I have re read all your posts a couple of times and I really feel for you. What comes across very strongly, to an outsider, is just how confusing all of this must be for you. On one hand you talk about how great everything was up until 2005, but you also state that you were kept a secret for the first three years. You also write about having to badger him to move in.

So my question is this.. At what point were you the perfect couple? From the outside, it looks like he has played you right from the very beginning. And still you are dancing to his tune. Only you can decide when the music stops.

I take it that you are not currently living under the same roof. Draw up a contact agreement ( away from you and your home) and only have minimal contact with this man about the children. I know it's easier said than done, but I think you want things to change. You can never be friends with this man. He isn't the man you want him to be. Nor will he ever be. And sadly, I don't think he ever was. You deserve to be with someone who is proud to be with you, not hiding you away or bouncing between you and a sugar mummy.

All you can do now is state the boundaries for co parenting. I wish you lots of luck and most of all, some peace from this man. Keep posting.

[memorylapse]

Thank you finola..obviously I wasnt a secret from anyone else just the ex wife but yes..I need to create the boundries...I so desperately wanted him to change..but he never will..he is treating me like dirt and I see that..

[Finola1step]

Hi memory. You sound like you know what you want. Removing yourself from this man's tangled web is going to be very hard and I do hope you have friends in rl you can talk to. As you are still legally married, a meeting with a solicitor is probably your next step.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to see their dad without you? This will be an important step in removing yourself from this man's influence while still co-parenting. But a word of warning.. He won't like this new found perspective and independence. You have been in his control in some shape or form for such a long time, he's not just going to walk away and leave you be, is he?

[memorylapse]

Finola..nope..everytime..I try to break contact he turns on crocodile tears..saying he still cares deeply for me..when I know he doesnt..and that he cant bear no contact...however Ive very quickly worked out that hes only interested in unlimited contact with the children...my friends have offered to do contact drop offs for me..and they all swy he is an abuser