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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this really how separated women are seen?

14 replies

chocmallow · 25/04/2013 13:26

I separated from my H last year. My parents and girlfriends have been amazing. I can't think of one day when one of them hasn't popped round/rang or texted me to check I'm ok.

One of my closest friends has made a few comments which I keep thinking about. How I will probably start wearing plunging tops and mini-skirts, sleep around and become a slapper (this was said to another friend infront of me) How other married girlfriends will probably stop inviting me around. How other couples will stay away from me on holiday because I am on my own with my DC and I will be seen as a threat.

I should add this friend has been a rock to me, she knows how unhappy I was in my marriage and that the last thing I want is another relationship. Am I just being oversensitive?

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Oddsox2 · 25/04/2013 13:31

Me and my friends quite often have a bit of banter about me becoming an old cougar around town...and my best friend has kindly offered to be my "personal shopper" for a new fella - but purely to put a smile on my face. But never have they said I'll become a slapper or start sleeping around, or that other couples will stay away from me due to me becoming a potential threat.

I suspect it was a bit of banter, but I think it's a little harsh - especially given all you are going through and have been through. Could it be a little bit of green eyed monster maybe, is she happy in her own life??

X

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YesAnastasia · 25/04/2013 13:35

I don't think separated women are seen in any way particularly but you do find that when women have been in an unhappy relationship for a long time (and after the initial 'never again' phase) they begin to want to go out, let their hair down, re-evaluate their lives and get reassurance that they're still attractive. I think it's a bit harsh to say slapper.

It has happened to so many of the women I know (including my own DM) and they can be seen as a threat by insecure friends. Doesn't mean they are a threat or that you will want to do this but it does happen.

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chocmallow · 25/04/2013 13:38

You're right it probably is just banter. We are very open and honest with each other so I guess my friend is just following suit.

Definitely not green-eyed monster - my friend has a wonderful life and is very happy in her marriage. I probably am just being oversensitive.

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Oddsox2 · 25/04/2013 13:41

I suspect so Chocmallow - if you're anything like me and my friends, we have a really sarcastic sense of humour with lots of banter that has tears rolling down our faces at times! I am sure she just wants the best for you.

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patienceisvirtuous · 25/04/2013 13:44

Remind her to be a bit gentle with you because of what you've been through... tell her you like to laugh along but sometimes jokey comments sting because you're sensitive. She probably doesn't realise...

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RubyrooUK · 25/04/2013 13:44

Agree that if one of my friends said this, it would definitely be banter as those are some of the silly cliches about people who become single after a long time.

So if she is supportive generally, I would think she was being funny laughing at cliches and not meaning to hurt me. I can't think otherwise why someone who is supportive would use terms like "slapper" unless it was simply banter.

So if she is a supportive and kind friend, I think she is just bantering and teasing you, possibly not realising that actually you might feel a bit sensitive about this topic.

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RubyrooUK · 25/04/2013 13:46

Cross post with Patience - yes, laugh along as it is good to laugh at things in life but maybe say "be gentle with me, I'm still sensitive about this!" if it gets you down.

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Wholenewwoman · 25/04/2013 13:52

Otherside of this - I have been separated for almost 18months now, and I have had exactly the same said to me.
I have also been accused of having an affair with a friends husband. I am no longer friends with them as I was told in no uncertain terms ' you are too friendly with my husband and I don't like him being around single women so I won't be including you in our group anymore until you are part of a couple again'. Sad but true!!
I have also been told that married men will want to hit on my as I 'will be grateful for their attention'.

It hurts but unfortunately in my experience, single (separated) women are seen as this threat by other women.
It may be said as banter, but there may be some insecurities at the bottom of it.

If they keep on with this type of banter, you may need to distance yourself and find some other friends.....

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chocmallow · 25/04/2013 13:58

Thanks for the replies. Am out with another set of girlfriends this weekend which will probably be good for me. One of my H's criticisms of me was how over-sensitive I am - he's obviously right Will have to work on that!!

It's just one friend wholenewwoman Wow! Like you are going to want to be friends with them again when you are part of a couple!!

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notapoloshirtperson · 25/04/2013 14:50

No one has said anything directly to me, but as a mostly single female over the years, I am usually not invited on holidays/ for meals etc with couples. When I have been in a relationship this has changed.
If they want to do anything girly, I am invited.
I have a couple of very secure ,confident friends in strong relationships and they invite me to everything, but on the whole I am excluded.

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wannaBe · 25/04/2013 14:59

I do think that single women are seen as a threat and that on the whole single women find that their couple friends exclude them more.

Me and h split in July last year and I remember thinking one day when the dad of one of ds' friends gave me a lift home from school how much more inappropriate it would look now that I am single even though there was absolutely no need to think like that.

I don't agree with the 'slapper' comments though, but I do definitely think there is an element of truth to married women seeing single women as a threat.

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JustinBsMum · 25/04/2013 15:00

It may be said as banter, but there may be some insecurities at the bottom of it

I think this might be part of the reason. Either DFriend has little confidence in her looks or something and feels her DH might easily stray or their marriage is a bit rocky anyway and she is anxious at anyone who she believes might push her and DH further apart.
The problem/issues are most likely hers not yours but sadly is affecting how she treats you.

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LemonPeculiarJones · 25/04/2013 20:30

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. It was a really insensitive joke bordering on cutting/malicious.

But you know your friend, if you're usually sarky with each other perhaps she was just trying to be funny and make light of a difficult situation.

Definitely say something if she wades in with similar jokes in future - she might think its cool to set up a running joke! Just along the lines of, aw, I know you're just trying to cheer me up, but I'm feeling a bit fragile about being single right now so give the slapped jokes a rest!

Since she is happy making a joke that broad she ought to be more than able to hear a request like that.