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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can anyone shed any light on this mans behaviour.

40 replies

pantson · 25/04/2013 11:56

Just not the from the ' learn to speak man' poster.

I have a third date tonight. He text to arrange it Sunday, after he had said he would let me know when he was free over the weekend and didnt.
He was all chatty, we have plans and then I dont hear from him.
In person he is very chatty, but via text ( and he wont speak on the phone) he is awful. I have tried the odd random text and it just gets one word replies.

It doesnt make me feel like he wants to see me to be honest, it doesnt feel like hes making any effort. I cancelled the second date due to this and told him and he then was a lot more chatty, but its reverted to one word texts again.

Hes also constantly on the dating site where I met him, which is fine, but coupled with the rubbish texts, it generally feels like he isnt interested. If he can be bothered chatting online, he should be bothered to text. But then he was him whos asking to see me.

Anyone?
Should I just not bother?

OP posts:

Report

CaptChaos · 25/04/2013 12:01

Sounds like he's married to me.

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 25/04/2013 12:02

He doesn't sound very interested if I'm honest, you've already had a word and things haven't improved. It shouldn't be this hard, especially at the beginning, it should be fun!

If it were me, I'd be moving on....

pantson · 25/04/2013 12:03

He isnt married or living with anyone but hasnt been single that long.

In person hes charming and lovely it just seems so at odds to how he is in between that time.

OP posts:

VoiceofUnreason · 25/04/2013 12:04

pantson - see, think is, we're all different. Not just us men, but you women too. Without making huge generalisations - but then going on to make one but based on experience! - women are far more into texting than men. Actually, out of work, men tend to use mobiles for calls or texting far less than women - again, based on my experience. I have probably made no more than 20 calls on my mobile in the last year. I do text, however.

You say he doesn't want to speak on the phone. I know women on the dating thread who won't speak on the phone.

Surely it is far more important WHO he is and WHAT he like in person than what he is like at texting?!?!?

Dahlen · 25/04/2013 12:09

I don't think the lack of talking on the phone or long texts is the problem, but he's already unreliable and inconsistent. That would be enough for me to call it off, TBH.

Reading between the lines, I suspect he's not ready for a relationship being so soon out of his last one. He probably enjoys the flirting that goes on before the dating stage. Once you start actually seeing someone in the flesh it becomes a lot more 'real' and I don't think he's ready for that yet.

pantson · 25/04/2013 12:12

I understand that. But feel it jarrs somewhat when hes almost constantly online on the dating site. He must be chatting to women, or at least trying to. So if hes doing that he can surely text.

It makes me feel like he really isnt interested and i feel very much like cancelling based on this. He is meant to be staying over tonight so we can both have a few drinks. I dont really want somone on my sofa who cant be bothered to send a text but can be bothered to chase women online.

At this point it should be fun and exciting and getting to know each other, if he only responds to texts with one word answers and im only seeing him every 10 days or so, then its not really going to grow into anything more.

OP posts:

musickeepsmesane · 25/04/2013 12:15

forget him. There are nicer guys out there

VoiceofUnreason · 25/04/2013 12:21

pantson - have you had an 'exclusive' chat? Seems unlikely if this is date 3 (although I could be wrong). Unless you have, BOTH of you are entirely free to see other people, go online and exchange messages with other people. And just because he is shown up as online, doesn't necessarily mean he is chatting with other people. If, for example, the site is POF, he could be on forums.

Doesn't necessarily mean he is not a decent guy. But he's clearly not the guy for you.

Lovingfreedom · 25/04/2013 12:21

You feel like he isn't interested...
Erm...what else do you need to know? NEXT!!

Mumsyblouse · 25/04/2013 12:21

If I had arranged a date with a guy, I wouldn't expect constant texting in between and I think it's a bit sad that you are measuring him by this, when perhaps he's not that into texting like me (is he old over 40?!). He also doesn't know you that well yet either. Having said that, I would be more bothered by his lacksadasical attitude towards contacting you when he said he would, perhaps go on this third date and see how you feel about him.

But, you don't have to like him so if you don't, throw him back in the pond!

pantson · 25/04/2013 12:28

we arent exclusive at all, its fine that hes online, but the contrast between him being online the whole time, and not being able to reply to anything with anything other than ' cool' is a bit crap. Its like having a one sided conversation.

Hes 30 so is fine with phones, he has two, one for work, he has a twitter, fb etc, he isnt a technaphobe.

OP posts:

VoiceofUnreason · 25/04/2013 12:32

pants - just cancel and move on. I'm not a technophobe, I have a phone, I have a FB. But I do not spend all my time texting and ringing people.

Seriously, it's clear he is not compatible with you on this front, so just cancel the date and look for others.

SweetSeraphim · 25/04/2013 12:32

Over 40 isn't old!

SweetSeraphim · 25/04/2013 12:33

With regards to the OP, he's not interested enough, IMO. Move on to the next one!

pantson · 25/04/2013 12:37

I dont want him to be constantly texting or calling me. That would be annoying. What i do want is a general response other than ' cool' when i ask a question about plans or something.

OP posts:

CrispyHedgeHog · 25/04/2013 12:39

I was going out with someone like that. 33 years old and despised texts, emails, fb etc.. was great to talk to but crap when not face to face. Phone calls would just be to say what needed to be said - 1 minute max usually, lol.

I think some people just don't like technology.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/04/2013 12:45

Hello. I'm online dating at the moment so I feel your pain!!

I wouldn't bother tbh. By third date I would expect to be communicating quite a bit and making plans for next date iykwim.

I'd move on if I were you

Good luck though!

arsenaltilidie · 25/04/2013 13:26

Forget him, at best he doesnt seem interested at worst he has someone.

I can almost guarantee he'll suggest to meet later and later at night and turn it into a fwb situation.

Delete his number.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 25/04/2013 13:38

Cancel.
Ummm, sorry but were you saying that the third date was to be a sleep over at yours? Imho, after only two dates, you are still virtually strangers. "Having drinks so you can talk" (and who knows what he is reading into that?) can not possibly be worth the risk of having a stranger in your home overnight. Please be careful.

pantson · 25/04/2013 13:53

No worse than spending the night with someone you have pulled in a club.
Ive met him before, hes fine. He lives too far away to get a taxi back and public transport doesnt run past 10:30pm. We arent drinking to talk, we are having a few drinks, its a nice thing to do.

OP posts:

keepcalmandkickon · 25/04/2013 14:03

No, it isn't any worse than spending the night with someone from a club and there is certainly no judgement here but, reading your post at 12:12 makes me feel sad for you - there is no way you should be feeling like that at the beginning of a relationship!

This is meant to be the fun time, where you are both getting to know each other and whilst not everyone texts constantly you should be feeling a lot more positive than you currently sound.

If I were you, I would honestly cancel the night and leave him to continue with his online dating.

Bant · 25/04/2013 14:45

Personally, I'm a chatty bloke. I like having conversations with friends, in person. I don't text very much - it doesn't make me a bad person I'd just rather wait until I see the person and talk. Texting is very impersonal, it's very easy to miscommunicate when you don't know someone very well and I'd rather see how someone reacts to what I say than just talk on the phone.

This isn't always the case, of course, but men are usually more this way than women, who prefer to talk in person or on the phone or by text compared to men.

It doesn't mean he's not into you, just that he's not into texting. If you can't accept that in a potential partner, then move on.

After two dates he's still entitled to look at the sites, even date other people, as are you, until you've had the 'exclusivity' talk.

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AuntieStella · 25/04/2013 14:51

If he can't make a straightforward plan to see you, then he's not that keen. Maybe he'll become so in future, but don't try to second guess on that. If you like him enough to keep seeing him, then keep it light. But until he can show some basic reliability, I wouldn't go exclusive with him.

niceupthedance · 25/04/2013 15:27

Like others have said it would be the 'forgetting' to make plans with you at the weekend which would bother me more than infrequent or brief texts.

Also if he is not ready to date after his last relationship maybe he is just online window-shopping...

I'd move on unless you really want to shag him.

bobbywash · 25/04/2013 15:33

IIRC research indicates that people generally sleep together on the 3rd date. That's probably why he's keeping in touch.

You don't seem compatable if that (the communication) is an issue for you, so move on

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