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I know he's never going to change, but I can't find the strength to leave

(17 Posts)
LittleMissGerardButlerfan Thu 25-Apr-13 11:37:49

I have posted previously about problems in my relationship and after a long time being unhappy I have finally come to the realisation he is never going to change and is always going to be moody and uncommunicative and unwilling to compromise.

I have been unhappy for so long but I just can't bring myself to leave him. I'm too scared, I suffer from anxiety and I'm just scared of what's going to happen,I can't afford to keep the house, and our 2 children would be so upset (5 and 7).

I think we would all be much happier in the long run if I could make the break, I know things are never going to be good if we stay together.

I wish I was strong and could just walk away, any advice on how you managed it please? Did you just find the strength one day?

Oddsox2 Thu 25-Apr-13 12:30:00

Hello, I didn't want to just read and run. I have been in a similar position to you for so long now. In fact I only posted today about how I was finally ready. I've put up with it for years, and I know that my DS will be heartbroken but we will rebuild ourselves and I am hoping my DS will actually have a better relationship with his Dad after the dust has settled. I know now that the way we are living is toxic and in the long run will destroy me and possibly my DS as well.

Only you will know when you are ready, something snaps and you realise that you cannot take any more, not only that but you realise that there is nothing left fighting for. Once you reach that point the strength you need comes from inside and you will do this.

Big hugs.

calypso2008 Thu 25-Apr-13 12:38:29

Hi OP, hopefully someone wise and strong will be along in a minute (like cogito)

I got some great advice on here yesterday. It has really made a difference to my thinking.

It took me 4 years to get (D)H out of the house, now we live seperately. Now I have decided to get divorced. As Oddsox says, I think when you realise there is nothing left fighting for something snaps.

Also, I do understand the guilt you feel about the DC's, but, better to do it now than later, also better you are the person you can be, not the oppressed one you feel you are.

Good Luck OP and chin up. I am at my lowest ebb right now, but am going to be on my way up again! flowers

It is hard and frightening. Especially as you have 2 DC's - but of course they will still have a relationship with their Dad.

calypso2008 Thu 25-Apr-13 12:41:17

Sorry - meant to add that it is step by step. That is how I have done it anyway. Seperate, get toxic person out of the house, gradually sort yourself and new life out. Then think about selling house, getting divorced. Give yourself space to calm down and relax a bit. To live without the constant anxiety. It really clouds judgement (well, it did mine) and is exhuasting.

You don't need to do it all in one go, in 24 hours. Step by step.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 25-Apr-13 12:45:17

It may well be that the root causes of your anxiety is actually your H and once he goes your anxiety may well lift. Whatever the cause, do speak to the GP re your anxiety; it can be treated and a lot of people out there do suffer from anxiety.

Your children are seeing you as their mum upset and unhappy now and they are picking up on all the unspoken bad vibes between you and your H. Better also to have two parents apart and happier than together and miserable. It shows the children an awful example of how relationships are conducted.

Being scared can also come about from having no knowledge; find out properly what your legal and financial rights are in the case of separation. There is help out there for you; you need to be very brave and take that first step to receive it. I'll hold your hand but you need to make the break for your sake as well as your childrens. You can also speak to Womens Aid; they can and will also help you here. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

siezethenight Thu 25-Apr-13 14:33:40

May I second attila's words - The unknown is scary. Once we embark upon the unknown, often we find it is not as scary as we imagined it to be.

My way of leaving my ex is not going to work for everybody because we were never married so leaving him was a whole lot easier for me than for somebody who is married.
I planned ahead. I saved up over the space of 2 years for a bond deposit and 3 months worth of advance rent. It was critical I did this to secure a home for me and my children. It was the hardest 2 years as I desperately wanted to just walk out the door but could not.

When he left the house one day to go to work in England for the week - I took him to the bus depot. Waved him off on the National Express, smiled pleasantly as the bus pulled out.... Then went home and packed up all my clothes, all the kids clothes, all the kids bedroom furniture, all their equipment and anything that was in the house that was mine. Hired a van and got the hell out of there.
He hates my guts today and has refused financial help for the children which he has done by claiming, because he is self employed, he is not making a profit - see - look at my accounts - I can't even meet my basic living expenses... It was my worst case scenario as our son is Autistic and on the high end of the scale so needs constant watching, I get carers allowance for that and have had to become what is commonly referred to today as, a benefit scrounger. At this point in time, a bunch of strangers calling me names for claiming benefits fails to get to me as much as living with my ex and his horrible emotional abuse was worse. But its hard going, financially and every time I attempt to make better, I get smacked back down by the system. Its as if I have to conform to a place in society, that being, lower than the rest and if I try to get out of it, I am slammed by the Government and the system and Jane and Joe Bloggs who all have opinions on me and how I live and are no longer afraid to shout them at me in real life or via a forum.
BUT - it was not as scary doing it for real as it was thinking about it and planning it. My children are getting straight A's at college and school now and there is never a raised voice within our four walls. We all sleep better. We can all breath easier. I will remain a fighter to ensure my children can remain in education and not have to leave to get pointless jobs so hopefully, their watching me on benefits does not become ingrained in them as a lifestyle choice hmm as they are getting educated to hopefully, University - no matter what I have to do to get cash to see them at Uni - I will do it.

You can do it OP. You will be okay. It might not be easy for the first year or two but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You have to look forward and see a better life there for yourself then keep your eye on that image and take a few deep breaths... Then move ahead with it. DO not be afraid.
Good luck to you.

EccentricElastic Thu 25-Apr-13 14:54:05

Please LittleMiss , don't leave it too late to walk away . You only have one chance at life, do you really want to spend it in the frightened state you are in, always looking over your shoulder, having to watch what you say etc.
I stayed too long, and only left after he stabbed me whilst I was holding my baby in my arms.
There are organisations out there to help you - Womens aid for one, Citizens advice for another.

I was taken to a womens refuge where I spent a few months, eventually got another home together where I could lock the door and know I and my baby were safe.
Nearly 25 years later my baby is a happy grown adult, and I'm happy too, living the lives that WE wanted for ourselves, NOT one that HE tried to dictate to us.
It can be done, you can do it.
Take care, and the best of luck to you.x.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 22:41:12

Hi op. how do you feel about the possibility of there being no defining moment, no sudden strength. The concept of you all just staying in this situation and playing out your lives just exactly as it is now.
Lots of people do that. It could be you too.
I get that you don't want to be one of them. You can choose to activate your defining moment. As some advert says, " one life, live it "....
Good luck x

drjohnsonscat Thu 25-Apr-13 22:49:29

Littlemiss you are scared of what's going to happen but the worst already is happening. You "have been unhappy for so long" and you "know things are never going to be good". This is as bad as it gets.

Once you accept that and accept that you do still have hopes for the future, you will be able to make some changes. Agree with other posters - you don't have to do this overnight but you can start to think about it and put some practical things in place. Can you start with a really small thing that you can sort out next week and just practise thinking of yourself as someone who can make things move on. For instance, do you have a bank account? Maybe just wander into town and open one. If you do already, start putting aside some bits of money if there is any spare (anything). Or put some ideas down on here about where you might go. Just practise a little bit of pretending to be independent. It's a fake it till you make it strategy.

LittleMissGerardButlerfan Thu 25-Apr-13 22:54:43

Thanks for the replies everyone, I have emailed my local CAB to ask for advice about the drop in sessions, I guess it's a small step, but one I can do easily without anyone knowing and it doesn't have to change anything, I can just get some information about my rights and maybe start putting things in place.

I know things can't go on like this, I don't want to be still feeling like this next year, I keep making excuses not to leave but there is never a good time to do it.

I really appreciate any advice given, thankyou flowers

cjel Thu 25-Apr-13 22:54:55

I'd say get some rl support whether a counsellor or WA or someone. I had30years of depression anxiety and panic attacks could hardly go out. In the last 2 years I've rented sold and bought and renovated my new house, I haven't had one panic attack since I left. I was ready to do it. I had counselling in the couple of years before and was able to see things clearly. I'd say its best to go at your own pace. I started to look online for the sort of place I would be able to afford so I could get the idea of the sort of place I could live, I started to think of what I'd want to take from the house and what I'd want to leave, which bedding ,curtains, sofas etc I'd like to take I'd visualise my new place and rooms. It was slowly, slowly what I could cope with. Then one day I phoned agent, viewed house and took it all in 3 days while he was away and moved 3weeks later.It was probably years in the planning in my head but wasn't scary because I did it at my pace but it also helped with anxiety because I no longer felt scared and trapped.xx

Whitewineformeplease Thu 25-Apr-13 23:06:56

Hi there, I agree with all the fantastic advice given to LittleMiss, but I delurked to say, seizethenight, you are NOT a benefit scrounger. Your situation, a woman in a vulnerable situation who needs help to support her children, is exactly what the benefit system is for. You, and your story, are an inspiration to others. thanks

cjel Thu 25-Apr-13 23:12:32

littlemiss just re read your post afte wwfm's post and I too would say that the people who infer you are lower or a scrounger are not rightxxx

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 23:18:17

The unknown can seem so fearsome. However, once you cross the line into the unknown, it stops being the unknown.

It's hard to make that initial step but careful planning - researching your options, taking advice, working out an escape plan - builds your resolve and your courage. Most of us who have left a relationship/marriage have found that the things we worried most about were nowhere near as difficult in reality. Children, in particular, are often far less upset than you might imagine since they will have picked up on your unhappiness and any tensions at home. Take those factors away and they can be incredibly resilient and cope with change remarkably well.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Apr-13 09:23:21

Freedom is a scary prospect and I'm sure if they ripped down the walls of a prison, quite a few of the inmates would opt to stay put. smile Knowing where to start to get to a place of freedom is pretty scary as well. The only thing scarier than doing that, however, is doing nothing. Because you can see your future stretching out and, if you're unhappy now, this is as good as it gets.

Think you're doing exactly the right thing taking small steps like talking to CAB. It'll all help your confidence and just keep things moving forward. In these situations 'knowledge is power'. Good luck

redskynight Fri 26-Apr-13 09:32:45

I had anxiety from being in a very unhealthy, unhappy relationship. The way I managed to leave was through a lot of therapy. It gave me the strength to realise that the cause of my misery was being with my partner, and that I would manage on my own and even have a chance at being happy without him, also that I could not and should not put up with his behaviour. I don't regret going one bit. People have all been supportive, and it has been far far less scary that I had imagined.

ElectricSheep Fri 26-Apr-13 16:30:17

Some very good advice and wise words here for you OP.

CAB advice is a fantastic starting place. Get your info, get your exit plan, then keep your eyes set on your leaving date. By the time that date comes you'll know that there is no turning back because you won't want to. It would be a desperate disappointment to stay and an anticlimax.

My anticipated worries weren't anything like as bad in reality. I too had panic attacks, which all mysteriously disappeared as soon as I left.

Seize don't you DARE pay any attention at ALL to the ignorant bigoted idiots who think someone in your situation could possibly be called a benefit scrounger. You are a brave strong woman who has done the best thing for her family who depend on her. Well done to you. Hold your head high.

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