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Dcs dad says is disappearing to Middle East ..how to handle this?

(18 Posts)
DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 10:24:53

Just a bit of advice please. My sons are 3 and 5 and I divorced their middle eastern dad this year after a very turbulent relationship. Xh tells my mum his future is finished because I divorced him, he cannot return to his homeland and family divorced. Very different from what he tells me (his brother divorced his wife as she had halitosis!), he tells me he can return there (funny that, as he claimed asylum here because of the risk to his life in Iran!) and start a new life. Here's hoping he does, he again yesterday was yelling at me on the phone that he will disappear soon and the boys will have to get used to it as he will not financially support them or stay in touch.
I am aware that some of this may be hot air, but I would never say anything like that, regarding the children, even in anger.
What I want advice on is whether I should get legally proactive regarding the chance of him disappearing. I'm wondering if I need to try and get him to agree to sign all parental responsibility to me? This might seem pointless, but I was thinking things like name changes. I want to revert to my maiden name (married name very iranian and hard to spell) and my 5 year old says he wants to have my maiden name too. I think this would be difficult to do, but if xh disappears, it would be impossible.
This probably sounds like I am worrying about nothing, but 5 yr old is just being diagnosed with high functioning autism, so can get obsessive about things. Any ideas about what I should do and if I should / not be preparing dc for dad going? He sees them once a week for four hours, and is a classic unlucky, victim, entitled, chauvinistic mentality.

Dahlen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:50:42

Do you have a residency order? If not, I would see about getting one and take care to point out that there's a good possibility the father may disappear.

While there are things you can't do if you share parental responsibility and don't have the other parent's consent (e.g. changing a surname), for most things - certainly most day-to-day thing - you only need one parent's consent.

However, should the other parent disappear and be uncontactable for a certain length of time (I think it's two years but you'd have to check) you can apply to have their parental responsibility revoked and held solely by you.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 10:58:09

Thanks Dahlen..it's good to know pr can be revoked if disappear, will look into it. Having just had to pay three thousand for divorce, I have no funds left to apply for a residency order, I believe they are thousands too?

Dahlen Thu 25-Apr-13 11:00:40

Basic cost is about £200, which assumes everything is straightforward and uncontested. You don't necessarily need a solicitor and you can apply for one yourself in those circumstances.

Mumsyblouse Thu 25-Apr-13 11:01:08

If you are the poster I think you are, well done for getting away from this extremely nasty piece of work! Fantastic news. Now, I agree completely with Dahlen, I would get legal advice on how to protect yourselt in case there's a flight risk, it's not that likely given his minimal parenting ability but sometimes people do strange things and if he did flee the country with them you would NOT easily get them back from a ME country whatsoever.

So, I would get a residency order, more legal advice and hide their passports (there have been other threads on this, you can contact the passport office I think and ask them to put a note on their file not to issue another replacement passport).

Emotionally, this is going to be a difficult time for the children, but sad to say they may be better off if he did return to his country, for all the reasons we discussed many times. I wouldn't mention the possibility of him going at all, that will just set up fear and uncertainty, and only deal with it when he does leave (as it may all be threats). If he leaves, you do what you do with a child who is suddenly bereaved or dad leaves, you reassure them, but be honest, 'I don't know why he left' but mummy will be here etc.

I don't think you can innoculate the children, just get your own life and routine as stable and sorted as possible for if and when that happens.

Good luck!

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:28:20

Hi mumsy, yes tis I ! Thank you for all of your support before x wrt residence orders, I have googled them and they are about legally agreeing which parent the child lives with, but does not necessarily remove pr?
I think that any legal action by me would go either uncontested or outright ignored, as due to the legal aid changes, he would not have a solicitor (though falsely claimed legal aid all through divorce, even though has full time cash in hand work)...he would not pay for anything that he thinks he should not have to!
Perhaps it's prohibited steps orders that I was thinking are thousands...they are more linked with preventing abduction. It's taking him ages to really do anything even about his own passport, but mumsy I will definitely speak to passport office about dcs ( well protected ) passports and adding a note.
I do hope he goes. That's when we can really move on. He's so volatile, I hate to think how he would be if I met someone else. Eldest ds is already saying "daddy says all you do is nag nag nag, daddy says women are weak, etc".ugh.
I have asked my mum to calmly tell him she does not want to hear anymore of his complaints about me, next time he tries. People are still tiptoeing around him "for the boys"...

Mumsyblouse Thu 25-Apr-13 11:37:23

I think we can safely say that it would be a blessing if he disappeared. I don't think anyone should tiptoe around him for the boys, the boys won't benefit from growing up with women-hating daddy who says nasty things about their mum at all, and as they grow they are likely (due to your nice influence) not to see him very favourably at all, and the tensions between what he wants them to be like and what they are really like will grow.

Let's hope he leaves, but do take legal action, people are crazy sometimes and he may go for one last power trip (or take his children back for someone else' to look after which was in a court case in the papers recently). Even if you are overreacting, then you know nothing can happen, whereas if you rely on his passivity/not hurting the children, he may surprise you.

Hissy Thu 25-Apr-13 20:31:49

I took the decision not to lie to my DS. My ex is also from a similar shit culture, and his hatred of women is one I won't allow to be fostered in my son. Not when I was the only one to raise my boy.

Tell your DC the truth (age appropriate) and let the ex Fuck off back to where he belongs.

He's got nothing on you, and if he doesn't pay what he's respomsible for then make no secret that you're doing it all yourself, and show how women AREN'T weak actually, they can buy, sell and trump any pitiful mysogenist.

When mine left 2 years ago, after the initial shock of realising just how abusive he'd been, within days I felt better. I've never looked back.

Neither will you!

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 21:38:48

Thanks hissy...it's taken me ages to finally get him out of my head, unbelievable when I think of some of his behaviours and attitude. Mmm, when he is angry, all women become "bitches". They will be better off without him and I have asked my wider family to now stop walking on egg shells around him, just to keep him in contact with dc. He is going to fuck off, so off he shall fuck!
I do have to be careful what I say to autistic son, he repeats things verbatim, often to his dad, who will then explode in indignant rage and cause me of playing with his mood. Every time he does it, the emotional fallout for me is like some kind of post traumatic stress, all the ill feelings come back.
I was naive thinking cultural influences are not that big. My sad conclusion is that I have come across too many western women who have felt duped by their middle eastern partner, it's when the misogynist rears its nasty head.
Hissy, I won't look back..

iheartdusty Thu 25-Apr-13 21:43:44

a residence order would establish that their residence is with you ie in England or wherever you live. It is a very useful element in preventing abduction, and without it you may have difficulty getting a block put on replacement passports being issued.

Hissy Thu 25-Apr-13 21:53:28

Expect to feel wobbly at times, when he finally does Fuck off.

I felt real, excruciating physical pain in the week before he left. Agreed my situation was different, his leaving my home meant my freedom after 10 years.

Mine was 'manageable' or so I thought, while we were in the UK (met in London, together 6yrs before we went to his land) as soon as we got there he flipped into a beast.

You are free, you will heal, you will recover. I did.

Bide your time with your boy then, when you are calm, healed a bit, you can calmy explain that there are good ways and bad ways of being in a marriage, and good ways and bad ways to treat partners. You'll find a way to be honest with him, in a way that he can handle. In good time.

Get advice about protecting the DC from abduction, and definitely get residency.

Mine has been back 'home' for 2 years, a place I will never,ever again set foot in. Nor any country where that thinking is agreed with. They can ALL go and Fuck themselves, until they treat women as equal human beings. Ex can barely bother to skype. I warned him that DS would stop asking after him if he didn't make some kind of effort. It's made no difference at all. prick

All this will pass chuck, when he's gone, you'll breathe again (((hug)))

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 22:05:31

Oh yes, he has already said will not financially support them, or contact them, when he goes. Vile!
I do wish I had a link with even just one of his relatives there though..I know it's really morbid, but I would like to know things like if he dies, because until then I will always wonder if he will pop back up. His voice of "I will disappear but when the boys are adults I will tell them exactly how you ruined my life " still are engrained. I don't regret my lovely boys but could cheerfully go back in time and slap the me that thought all this would work out ok, that he would be a good dad.
I have fantasies about him being bound and gagged just so I can shout and shout to tell him what he has done, what he has damaged, without him being able to shout over me and twist my thinking so I can't think anymore. Gosh I sound like a nutter. Really am not. Thanks for the hugs x

Hissy Thu 25-Apr-13 22:30:50

Ha ha! You're not a nutter! That's all understandable, I promise you I've thought worse!

Unless I'm a nutter too... :D

I'm not, I dun ferapy and everyfink :D

I totally get the wanting to go back in time thing, still have facepalm moments! I know exactly when I should have told him to piss off.

Hey ho, as you say, our DC are the silver edge to the darkest of clouds. Thank god for DS, he is what kept me going through the really tough times.

Hissy Thu 25-Apr-13 22:34:52

Meant to say, just stay calm, let him go, don't panic.

If nothing else, it'll really freak him out that you're just fine that he's going... :D

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 25-Apr-13 22:45:57

Thanks. Mmm am thinking will capitalise on his cloak sweeping stomp off by asking him to sign a residency order and deep poll form, as he is not going to be around it should make no difference to him...

Hissy Fri 26-Apr-13 19:28:45

Good luck with the deed poll! Mine'd never agree to that!

Consider in heritance though, not sure if Iran is the same as Egypt, but if the name doesn't match their system of naming, they won't recognise lineage. In Egypt Christians can't inherit from Muslims either.

DippyDoohDahDay Fri 26-Apr-13 21:18:08

Am pretty sure that any Egyptian laws can be multiplied ten fold to Iran and I do not think my sons will become Muslims...get what you are saying, but knowing my ex, he will not leave anything to anyone. I have no contacts with his family in Iran so my sons inheritance will be from their English side, and we will strongly provide ..it's not their fault that their dad is a Walter mitty

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 08:43:37

I bet!

I read Not without my Daughter and while the experiences described were similar, Iranian life appeared like Turbo Egypt Life.

It is tragic how far gone those societies are. Practically hopeless situation for women, and children to a slightly lesser extent.

I think I'm safe wrt DS and religion too.

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