Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How do you move on with partner after an act of infedilty?(96 Posts)
Which is how I see it.
Some of you may remember me as the silly fool who, after her DH went and paid for 2 private, fully naked lapdances while out one Fri night with another colleague, took the decision to shag her arse of a husband to the death. Probably in a bid to show him that I could do that plus, after reading up about it, was certainly undergoing hysterical bonding.
Just for detail, Iater found out that these private dances lasted for well over one hour and a half and were in the privacy of a booth.
It cost him near on £500 for the 'pleasure'.
I cannot discuss that element any more as it just sickens me so much it is destroying my health. Please don't ask me for further details.
Right now, I can't bear to look at him like that. We are not making love.
He is nothing but apologetic. Says all the right things. I know he means them.
But I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. I feel like he's betrayed me so very badly and, rightly or wrongly, I feel as bad as if it was a short affair.
I feel horribly sad now. Just sad. I have little hatred left to throw at him.
My life feels like it left my stomach some time ago.
I don't really want feedback about how I should LTB. I want to somehow get back to where we were.
But I'm finding it awfully difficult.
This only happened 3 weeks ago.
Can time heal?
Hi OP, I didn't read your first thread, but I think I've got the gist of what happened. I'm assuming he didn't have sex with these women and it was a naked dance?
If no sex/touching/kissing happened I can understand why you want to get past it and move on. I know a lot of people are saying it's over and kick him out, but if you want to stay with him then that is your decision.
My DP paid about £30 for a dance at his brothers stag, different in the ways that it wasn't a naked dance or private but I did feel betrayed and humiliated, questioned 'wasn't I pretty enough.' That was about 3 years ago, and I never considered ending the relationship. How I got past it was because of him, he proved it to me every day till one day I didn't need him to any more. He'd show me texts and emails, keep in touch when he went out with his friends, was just completely open and honest. There was never any hint of infidelity and gradually I came round to thinking 'he made a mistake, we all make them, he understands how much he hurt me and we do love each other.' Now we are happier than ever, it was a one off mistake and I'm glad I didn't throw everything away.
Now in your circumstances it is different, in terms of the money and how far the dance went (and lasted) but if you really want to make it work I'd say you have to tell him he needs to work at it. He needs to be completely open and honest with you, show you everything you ask for whenever you ask for it, tell him how it made you feel - many times if necessary (I'm the kind of woman that needs to go over and over something, it's not for everyone but it works for me). Go to couples counselling to talk in a different environment, with a professionals opinion. It will be hard, and could take a while for you to be ok with what happened but if you both want this relationship to work then there's no reason it shouldn't. Assuming that he is the type of man that understands how much he fucked up and wouldn't dream of doing it again, only you can be he judge of that as I don't know what he is like. When and if you forgive him completely though, you need to draw a line under it and completely move on. For example I never throw back in my DP's face what he did during arguments, I forgave him and it would be toxic to keep bringing it back up.
Good luck with whatever decision you make. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for you and your family. You've been given a lot of advice on how to leave him on this thread, so I hope this other perspective has helped and you don't think I'm speaking out of turn.
You help yourself going forward by getting him out of your eyeline. At the moment he is the source of the stress made worse by physically being there. You w ill feel the pressure to act normally. You will feel disgust at your initial reaction. What you need is the space to think reflect and assess calmly. Not some high-pressure obligation to keep the show on the road. Send him away and you may never get back together or you may get to a reconciliation. Either way it will be more satisfactory because it will be your decision.
OP, I think the problem is that as well as it feeling like a massive betrayal it also feels like you've seen a different side to him that you'll never be at peace with.
People's moral compasses are personal & it's up to the two people in the relationship whether or not theirs are similar enough. You obviously thought he wouldn't do something this low & disrespectful (to you & to women in general) & I think that's what's making you wonder if you'll ever be able to get past it. Even if you can get over it there's a strong chance you'll never feel the same way about this man or respect him.
Oh and yes, he's sorry now. But if he was that sorry he'd have told you & been honest with the length of the acts etc. He did it because he wanted to & has no problem using women's bodies for sexual gratification. He had a good idea of how you'd feel about it so instead of not doing it he just did it and tried to hide it. I think you need to ask yourself if you can ever really be at peace with this?
And agree with cogito...A bit of space can work wonders & take a lot of pressure off you.
He's already said he's 'sorry'. He doesn't need to say anything else until you've let this sink in & had a good think about it, without any pressure. There's no rush to 'get over it' (though you may never by the sounds of it...not that anyone on here would blame you. Such a disgusting thing to do, urgh).
Hope you're ok besides this.
£500 on an our long lap dance in a private room?
My. Fat. Arse
Also - he'll spend the rest of his life making it up to you, but he has had weeks to organise the only thing you've asked for (an STD test) and he hasn't done it?
Talk is cheap. And in his case untruthful.
"It's not quite in the same catagory as an outright affair."
No, it's in the far worse category of a man who thinks women are produce.
One night of madness?
The first time he buys a woman he spends £500 to bring her into a private room for an hour?
And she just "danced"?
Agree that if he was that sorry he'd have had the STI check you asked for... before having sex with you.
I wouldn't believe his 'sorry' either OP.
£500 for two naked lap dances did seem suspect to me, too: there was definitely something extra to make the cost that high. Fair enough it lasted an hour, but even then, the cost is extraordinary.
Hopefully the OP has seen something that proves that it was just two lap dances, though. It would be incredibly brass of her husband to be lying still, although I suppose words are cheap, and if he's saying all the right things, it's believable that it's an act he's read somewhere. After all, if he'd felt all the right things, he wouldn't have done it.
OP, don't be afraid to ask him to do more. He should be physically hoping you too. And if he blamed alcohol, I'd be expecting him not to have touched a drop since, or be planningttoo again
I hope your okay today.
Thank you all for responses.
I have done my research and asked around a fair bit. I have it on very good authority from my friend's husband who has been to the very place he went to, he will not have done anything more than just sit and watch. Apparently it is a very 'classy' place.
To be honest though, that is beside the point. What he claims he did is enough to make me feel like this.
Please let's not focus on the gory details as it is really pulling me down to a place I don't want to go.
Re having my own space, that is all I have. He's out to work incredibly early and comes home fairly late. He's not in my face. He is respecting keeping his distance.
I know this can't be fixed overnight. Guess I was just looking for words of hope that, over time, the pain subsides.
Someone mentioned way up on the thread about seeing the doctor to help re feeling physically ill over this. I really don't think I want to go down the antidepressant route. How will adding chemicals to my brain erase what he did? Besides which, I'm still breastfeeding my baby. God knows what she's actually extracting from me nutritionally though. I just can't eat.
Yes, the pain does subside.
But when did all this happen? I had thought that it might be a little while ago, and that you had already had the time to process the initial shock and had made a considered decision to reconcile and wanted help with that. I am now wondering if you have indeed reached that place.
Jesus, if you're breastfeeding your baby you need to get your own STD test ASAP
4 weeks tomorrow.
During that time, I have been on that very 'emotional rollercoaster' that all the idiots on reality telly go on.
I had not thought of that.
Now the fucking tears are back.
Oh god, you're still breastfeeding? Didn't realize your DC was so young. That's so sad
Will leave the thread as I have nothing helpful to add about getting over it (personally don't see why you should. Sounds like he's not quite who you thought he was).
Eat the pain will subside, but it won't subside into love, or intimacy, and you don't deserve to be numbed by this.
Seeing your GP might not result in antidepressants. It could be a fast track referral to speak to someone, or meds that will help with sleeping or eating. The doctor will only prescribe ones that are safe for breastfeeding women.
They could also sort out STI tests, which sound like they need to be done very quickly
Seriously? You believe the other guy who visits strip clubs and take his word that your chap only looked? For £500?!
Sorry but guys tend to stick together with stuff like this. You really think that man would admit that the place they went to is seedy infront of someone who could tell his own wife?
I would go there myself with a friend, act interested and ask what the price list is.
No advice about how to stay in this relationship other than time will not heal.
And for the love of god get down that std clinic today, your baby could be at risk of catching god knows what from your 'husband'
Sorry x post its great your going to the clinic. I hope it turns out you have nothing.
It's probably fine and nothing to worry about
But you can't wait for Mr Sorry to take his own sweet time getting around to doing the one thing you asked of him.
It's too important, you need to make sure you get checked quickly.
I have read all this thread, good that you are going to the clinic, hope it turns out your all ok.
Hope the clinic visit goes well - he should be going as well given how you are still b/feeding his baby. His "sorry" must mean nothing given his lack of action.
So called "classy" places are not supposed to provide naked dances . A friend's husband will not tell you the truth about this supposedly classy place. The mind boggles at the thought of a naked lapdance lasting at least an hour...blimey the dancer must be superhuman I asked a friend about the £500 - the answer was that given you can hire an escort for a whole night for that amount, £500 is an extraordinary amount of money for a lapdance.
I know you do not want to dwell too much on this, but you really need to know the full picture before making any long term decisions. You need to know what you are being asked to forgive.
I was on your original thread OP and I think I told you that in lots of clubs, sex is negotiated at the end of a dancer's shift and off the premises. However in some clubs, it happens in private rooms on site. £500 sounds more like sex than dances I'm afraid. Reassurance from another punter is no reassurance at all. He would say that, wouldn't he?
What's this man's relationship history and how did you meet?
Look, I don't need the agressive stance re what happened.
It is not helping me while I sit here in this fucking waiting room with 2 small children, speculating about the possibilities.
Of course it is possible he went further.
But I don't think he did.
And this is what I'm working on.
Sorry to sound cross. But I am.
I have done my research and I believe I have the truth for what it is worth. Believe me, I have done a number of checks. And this friend's husband who I have spoken to at length with does not go there personally. He has quite a few acquaintances who have. He has nothing to hide from me or his wife. He doesn't even know my husband and wouldn't give a monkey's if we split up.
why would he need an STI check if he looked fully clothed at a woman , no matter what she was doing ? If he did not touch her, with any part of his body he cannot catch an STI ?
I couldn't forgive that I'm sorry. It's just too sleezy & disgusting for me & I'd literally hate him. I'd rather my dh have an affair with Beryl from accounts, I could forgive that.
Because there is always room for doubt even though I feel confident I have the truth.
I am only here so I can continue breastfeeding without that certain percentage doubt in my mind that there is more to this.
My daughter's health is too important to me to be stubborn on the matter.
Join the discussion
Please login first.