Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you move on with partner after an act of infedilty?

(96 Posts)
eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 17:15:05

Which is how I see it.

Some of you may remember me as the silly fool who, after her DH went and paid for 2 private, fully naked lapdances while out one Fri night with another colleague, took the decision to shag her arse of a husband to the death. Probably in a bid to show him that I could do that plus, after reading up about it, was certainly undergoing hysterical bonding.

Just for detail, Iater found out that these private dances lasted for well over one hour and a half and were in the privacy of a booth.

It cost him near on £500 for the 'pleasure'.

I cannot discuss that element any more as it just sickens me so much it is destroying my health. Please don't ask me for further details.

Right now, I can't bear to look at him like that. We are not making love.

He is nothing but apologetic. Says all the right things. I know he means them.

But I cannot look at him in the same way anymore. I feel like he's betrayed me so very badly and, rightly or wrongly, I feel as bad as if it was a short affair.

I feel horribly sad now. Just sad. I have little hatred left to throw at him.

My life feels like it left my stomach some time ago.

I don't really want feedback about how I should LTB. I want to somehow get back to where we were.

But I'm finding it awfully difficult.

This only happened 3 weeks ago.

Can time heal?


LadyMountbatten Wed 24-Apr-13 18:36:41

Hi again.
How did you find out the duration of it?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:39:18

Sorry that this isn't what you want to hear - this is far worse than having an affair, as buying women's bodies tells you everything you need to know about this man's mind, thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

Have you had STD tests yet?

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:42:46

Although I can advise on how one can move on from an affair, there is no advice I can offer about how to go forward from this terrible betrayal sad

This man has sick views of women and sexuality and he needs to get individual counselling to get himself sorted.

2anddone Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:07

'd'h slept with someone just before we got married and I found out 3 months later. We tried to work through it. We had no sex for about 18 months I couldn't face it. We almost got back to where we were. We had dd 2 years later and when she was 2 he cheated again. Again we tried to work through it. I have never forgiven him I will never forget and 7 years after our wedding he has just walked out on me and 2 dc. He says there is nobody else of course I don't believe him. In answer to your question yes you can stay together but you will probably never trust him again, or forgive, or forget. I am sorry sad x

StuffezLaYoni Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:39

I just don't know how you can get past it...
If you didn't see it coming before, how could you see it coming again?
Good luck to you.x

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 18:48:59

He buckled under pressure when I demanded to see his bank statements. He could not have fobbed me off with any more shit about dances lasting mere minutes with the monetary evidence staring me in the face.

No, I have told him to get me evidence of clean bill of sexual health but not yet done it. I will have caught anything from him now as, like the idiot that I am , I have had unprotected sex with him.

I still need to know where I stand on that, for obvious reasons.

I have told him to find this thread and read it on his way home on the train.

Do feel free to direct comments to him.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:53:13

He is a selfish wanker for having sex with you, knowing full well he was risking passing on STDs to you angry

Did he use condoms?

The fact that he is taking his time in getting tested for STDs show he is not taking you seriously. He is not really sorry isn't it - so easy to say sorry but not to take full responsibility for his selfish entitled actions.

Actions speak louder than words.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 18:53:40

*isn't he

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 18:59:21

Mr eatslsleepfeeds aka Arsewipe
I hope your wife comes to her senses and kicks your cheating arse out the door.
How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing what you have done to your wife and family. You just didn't think about them at all when you were spending £500 getting your rocks off in that sleezy place.
You bought a woman's body for sexual gratification and thought you had got away with it. Well no shit Sherlock-you were caught.
I hope you are proud of yourself putting the health of the mother of your DC's at risk? What a fantastic father and role model you are too them hmm.
They and your wife deserve better.
If she was my daughter l would be encouraging her to get as far away from you as possible.
Frankly you disgust me

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Apr-13 18:59:24

there may have been 'fuck all wrong' with the relationship, you're both agreed on that. however, do bear in mind that this is not the man you thought he was even when you thought it was all okay. it does hit incredibly hard when you could not have seen it coming & I feel for you.

time won't heal what has happened re the infidelity but it MAY change how YOU feel about him/your relationship. At this precise moment you don't want to end the relationship.

So advice to help yourself going forward would be to try your best to understand that there is NOT going to be any 'going back to how it was'; engineering some space from him for a while would help you achieve this (suggested by someone earlier in thread). it will be easier for you when you are not trying to get it back to how it used to be, I have tried that and failed miserably. Wasted years trying too.

AuntieStella Wed 24-Apr-13 19:02:04

He'll be reading this?

Message to him: get this book. Read it cover to cover at least twice., then put it into action. Thank every deity that you still have a DW ready to give you a chance that you do not deserve.

Do you have that book already, BTW? because it is frequently recommended on relevant sites on the Internet. And you have made healing and mending your top priority, haven't you? Putting your time and effort into reading, thinking, counselling and taking your first steps to changing?

dontyouwantmebaby Wed 24-Apr-13 19:02:25

oh dear, I have just seen your post OP about asking him to read this thread. I don't think that's wise. The advice given is to help YOU. Not give him any ammunition. sad

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 19:32:20

I want to move on.

I cannot feel like this indefinitely.

He read the thread I posted very shortly after this happened and I did feel it brought it home to him what other complete bystanders' reactions were to what he did.

Because this is a very odd type of betrayal, I feel. Some people can be quite flippant about it and not realise how heartbreaking it is.

You know, endless amount of booze, peer pressure. There are ways to excuse this.

It's not quite in the same catagory as an outright affair.

Truth be told, I think I wouldn't feel so harshly about it if wasn't my husband doing it. I'd even read threads on here mere weeks before this happened to me and had thought privately, 'it'll be ok - just forget about it'.

It's not the same when it's your own 'D'H.

In real life, I've had sympathy but the clear message is that it was one night of madness. Do not throw your family down the loo because of it.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 24-Apr-13 19:37:53

Really? And these people in real life know what he did, and don't think it was just a visit to a strip club? I'm shocked.

Has H suggested anything to fix this? Has he done anything? Or is he just sorry?

No, you won't feel this way forever. You'll either feel this way until you get out of this situation, or you'll numb.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 19:46:40

He is going to spend the rest of his life proving to me that I can trust him, that he is not the unfaithful bastard I have him down for.

He could not be more remorseful. He could not say anything more than what he has said.

He has not refuted anything I have had to say on the matter. At all.

He can't turn back time.

He is the perfect cheating husband.

And, right now, I see him as nothing other than that.

TalkativeJim Wed 24-Apr-13 19:55:49

But it doesn't matter what 'category' it can be put in.

What he did has shown you the kind of man he really is. Which is the kind of man that few intelligent, moral, loving, right-thinking women would want to be partnered with.

You can't 'heal' from that.

It isn't about your relationship. It's about you thinking you had a good man as a husband and finding out that sadly you don't. A done deal that nothing can change. Doing something like that isn't a 'mistake'.

So it all depends on whether you want to go forwards having your key relationship be with a man whose core being you despise, working out if you can live with that and the truly awful aspects of it, how much you think living that way might affect your children etc. They'll know you despise their dad.

I'm really sorry. I hope you find a way to be happy with whatever you decide.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 20:00:25


Thank you. This is exactly where my mind is at.

HighJinx Wed 24-Apr-13 20:03:14

I would ask him to move out for a while to give you some time to think.

Whatever you choose to do in the long term, you need to come to terms with what has happened and to grieve for the loss of the marriage you thought you had.

This betrayal has smashed your marriage into a thousand pieces and while you may be able to rebuild something together in the future you need to come to terms with the fact that what you had, however perfect it seemed, is gone.

Your H needs to spend his time focusing on discovering why he thought it was acceptable to act in the way that he did. Until he knows this he cannot possibly consider rebuilding a relationship with you. Being sorry isn't really the point.

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 20:11:16

And, I guess, for sake of completeness, while I say that I want to continue the marriage, I understand completely that this is not the end decision.

I am willing to put time in now and see how things go.

Please don't have me down as a downtrodden woman. I am many things but not that.

I will work this out one way or another and I will not have a man ruin my life long term.

Any input re counselling and/or books greatly appreciated. Thanks already to those who have shared thoughts on that.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 21:23:26

I don't want to talk to your husband, I want to talk to you

So I, for one, am out

Good luck x

eatssleepsfeeds Wed 24-Apr-13 21:41:54

Fair enough.

Not sure there's much else to say on the matter right now anyway.

A resounding response in favour of what I already knew.

Let's leave it there.

I'll come back after some more time if you'll have me.

Thanks for thoughts, everyone. X

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 24-Apr-13 21:43:53

No further advice from here too, there is nothing I can say that will be what you want to hear sad

Good luck OP and do come back if you feel the need to x

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 24-Apr-13 21:59:37

Give yourself time to make decisions. This really JUST happened and you are deciding to stay in the marriage. Why do you have to make that decision now? Is it because the marriage was warm and comfy and the status quo is easier to imagine than the alternative? That marriage no longer exists, if it ever did.

Would you get together with a man who told you he thought it was OK to have prolonged, naked, paid for with household money lap dances? No? Then stay with the feelings a bit longer and allow yourself to think about all your options.

Lastly, you can make a new relationship with the man you now know but you can't get back the old relationship. Do you want this new relationship?

simplesusan Wed 24-Apr-13 22:26:57

I agree about asking him to move out.
It may only be for a week or two but you need that space to think.

You cannot make rational decisions with him in the house.

It is putting you under strain. What is the point in him being there at the moment? You are not intimate, you say you cannot stand the sight of him, so tell him to move out. It will give you breathing space. you may then work things out, or you may decide to end the relationship. Either way, you must make that decision nobody else not even your dh.
Also make sure he takes the kids regularly, you deserve time alone.

TalkativeJim Wed 24-Apr-13 22:38:48

Good luck. Come back when you need to.

Life is long, remember. It's worth some pain to get it right long term. Don't be looking back in 20 years saying, I wish I'd had the guts to do what I knew was the real right decision years ago.

Whatever that decision might be!

And-don't make yourself miserable because you think it's the route to keeping the children happy. That never works.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now