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I want to leave but I need to find the courage.

(20 Posts)
IEM3 Wed 24-Apr-13 13:03:57

This is my first time here and I am in a state of flux. Married to OH 15 years, together 24, DDs x 3, (14, 12 and 5). I am in a really difficult situation. I don't love my husband any more. He has always been very controlling and selfish and always speaks so aggressively towards me. He is a bully. He gets very angry and I have just put up and shut up over the years cos I don't want him to get angry but now I don't think I can take it any more. He has been very ill and I have been his support and comfort through this but he also uses this as an excuse to behave anyway he likes. I have been looking after him and he is much better now, so I feel that this is perhaps the time when I could leave. My health has also suffered as a result of being in this marriage. It is just so hard to think that my youngest may not remember being in the family home. I realise that by divorcing, I mess up 5 peoples' lives. I keep going over scenarios in my head which doesn't help. I am also worried about the finances and whether to stay in the family home. My eldest DD does not get on well with him and is aware of the situation and supports us leaving. He controlls all the money. I work part-time, so only bring in a little. I have been offered a place to stay with a friend and I am seriously thinking of just going with the children and leaving a note! Sounds awful but I find it so difficult to talk to him. Everywhere I look, advice seems to be stay in the home. We have spoken and I have said I don't love him. He thinks we can work it out, said we should go to counselling but hasn't bothered to enquire further. Think he just said it cos thought it would be what I want. He is being nicer to me now but I know this is just a temporary thing but it does also make it harder as to what to do. Sorry for my ramble but just thought this is a start in the right direction. Any advice gratefully received.

pinkpeony Wed 24-Apr-13 18:06:21

Can you see a solicitor to understand what your rights are if you did divorce, with respect to the house, the children and the finances? That should be your first step in deciding what to do next and a solicitor will give you the best advice about whether to stay in the house or not.
If your husband is a controlling, selfish, aggressive bully, you are not the one messing up 5 people's lives, he has already done that for you. You will just be doing what is best for yourself and your children by removing all of you from an abusive environment.
Hang in there - it must be very hard for you.

Earthworms Wed 24-Apr-13 18:20:26

Well, if you are tired of getting advice to stick it out, mums net is definitely the right place for you. ;) a nicer nest of vipers you will not find, and no onw will pull punches if they think you should Leave The Bastard

If I were you I'd get this reported in relationships, and some of the truly awesome mners over there will hold your hand and give you the benefit of their amazing wisdom.


Earthworms Wed 24-Apr-13 18:21:57

Ps just 'report' your post using the button and ask to be moved.

There's lots more traffic in relationships.

IEM3 Wed 24-Apr-13 21:29:03

Hi, thanks u actually made me laugh which was good! I will post as suggested. I went to a solicitor but wasnt really prepared and just got fact will need to get a separation agreement and something of tenancy so i can protect my half of house. For me it is the fear of telling him. I am unsure how he will react. It seems like ahuge mountain to climb. I have started to read some of the other threads today (sometimes seems we have all been married to the same man! ) and it has been helpful.

Earthworms Wed 24-Apr-13 21:40:14


Glad you made it. I'm just a lurker, but I'll wait with you till someone knowledgable comes along.

There is some fab support here, and a lot of spine stiffening straight talking.


Meery Wed 24-Apr-13 22:04:28

I know i'm sticking my oar in and I hope that you take this as well meaning comment and not a LTB tirade as only you can make that decision. I just wanted to come back on your comment that you are messing up 5 peoples lives - you are already not happy, your eldest is not happy and your other two are likely to be picking up vibes as well. Would it really be worse for them to spend their childhood with separated parents, but in a happy home than with two parents who are struggling?

Loulybelle Wed 24-Apr-13 22:11:15

I agree with Meery, its better to have happy parents apart, than miserable ones together. You shouldnt have to stay for your children, and its better not too. Children can adapt amazingly well, learn your rights and make steps towards a happier life.

theboiledfrog Wed 24-Apr-13 22:23:54

Hi IEM. I could have written your post almost word for word. Together 23 years with 2 dcs similar ages to yours.

I am in the same place you are. My H is a controling bully too. I have had some great advice here and am detaching more and more. I dream of my own little place with my dcs free from anger and walking on eggshells. I am struggling with that final step. I too am aware that i will be turning four lives upside down.

If i thought i could sit down with my H and agree to split amicably i would do it tomorrow. But i am scared of the angry reaction i know i will get.

I have started counselling which is helping me to see things from a slightly different angle and also trying to identify why my tolerence level is so high when it comes to putting up with his shit. My bar is much lower when it comes to the dcs, but not for me unfortunately.

Just wanted to say good luck and be as strong as you possibly can.

Take care

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Apr-13 06:21:19

I'm going to suggest you talk to Women's Aid. You seem frightened rather than simply nervous and they can offer some good practical advice on how to get yourself out of this safely with the DCs. If you can get some RL support from friends and family that will help a lot. Good luck

IEM3 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:55

Thank you all for your comments. Yes been thinking about the comment mess up 5 peoples lives I wrote and now realising that this version of "normal" family life actually isnt. Apprrciate all yr support and to theboiledfrog as you are in the same situation. I too seem to have an extremly high tolerance for the shitty behaviour and I dont know why. I am going to ring round some solicitors to get a clearer picture of my rights etc.

IEM3 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:54:58

Ps. Problem is yes I am scared of him. He has never hit me but hecan get very very angry, shouting swearing, going red in theface. Hes a good foot taller than me and he uses his size to intimidate. I dont know whether he realises hes doing it. This doesnt happen that often but the history is there and I know it is why I just dont argue back in most casesbecauseI dont want him to get that angry. He also has a way of saying his point over and over in many different ways and bombards me with them so I usually just agree with him to shut him up but am seething inside as my voiice is not heard yet again.

MNBlackpoolandFylde Thu 25-Apr-13 10:03:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere Thu 25-Apr-13 10:16:59

I understand and appreciate a lot of where you are coming from IEM (too much sad, though things not as bad here) Wishing all the best to you. Am sure the advice to talk to a solicitor and/or women's aid is very good.

Also just wanted to say how much I liked the NN "boiledfrog" on the thread - says it all doesn't it ? sad - genius though smile

IEM3 Fri 26-Apr-13 09:58:01

Thanks again to you all. I value your comments and good wishes. I'm glad i found this site as it helps to keep the facts clear about his behaviour because I have become so used to it. He is trying now since we spoke and this again throws me off my perch when trying to keep focused as he will say I am not trying. It feels wrong and I keep thinking how long can he keep it up. hes had one or two minor tiffs with our eldest as she is beginning to assert herself and he doesnt like it. II aam not sure about ringing Womens Aid as keep thinking thats for more extreme cases than mine but will think about it I will keep reading and I hope get that courage I desperately need. I hope MNBlackpool and Fyfe you will too and all in this horrible position.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Apr-13 10:10:42

Womens Aid would love to talk to you. It's a mistake to think you have to have a black eye or a broken arm to get their advice. Emotional abuse & verbal abuse are unfortunately very common ways for women to be mistreated in a marriage/relationship and they are no less distressing and painful than physical assault. You don't have to be escaping to a shelter to benefit from their help on how to get yourself out of the relationship safely. Given that he's already started to dish out the same woman-hating treatment to your DD, can you afford to do nothing?

IEM3 Fri 26-Apr-13 10:40:19

Yes perhaps you are right. Again its me trying to make my situation "normal" but knowing its not. Its just so dam difficult and confusing. Thanks.

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 26-Apr-13 10:44:42

Perhaps it's sadly such a common situation that it almost is normal ? But it's not right is it ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Apr-13 10:46:40

"What is domestic violence?
In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'. "

(From their website) Womens Aid themselves acknowledge that Domestic Violence is a far wider definition than physical violence. It is difficult to break free when someone is such a part of your life. It is easy to tolerate the unacceptable when you believe you are the only one being affected. But it's what you said about your DD that is particularly upsetting. Even if on some level you don't think you deserve better, surely she and the other children do?

IEM3 Fri 26-Apr-13 18:06:54

Yes I see your point and thanks for the info from WA.

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