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Alone in London, is this abuse?

(16 Posts)
Makingabreakforit Wed 24-Apr-13 12:18:52

Married DH and moved to London last month. He has forbidden me from working and does not like me going out alone. He let me work when we lived near our families previously. He says its dangerous and I don't know about city life. He has taken my bank card and only gives money when I explain what it is for. Is this abuse. What can I do?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Apr-13 12:22:20

Yes it is abuse and yes, you do need to get away from him. He is abusing you on so many levels by trying to control every aspect of your life. You for instance are no longer allowed to work nor have any access to money.

Please talk to Womens Aid today on 08080 2000 247 and make plans to escape your dangerous H.

How long have you been married for?.

Are you still in contact with your family and friends, also enlist their help to escape from him.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Apr-13 12:26:03

I did not want to read and run. I am very sorry. This is at the very least financial abuse, and also imprisonment, as you are not allowed out.

attila said it better. Do look for help, but cover your tracks.

foolonthehill Wed 24-Apr-13 12:26:53

yes: abuse, isolation and financial just in your 4 lines. Probably more in your life.

SWigns of abuse and control their number does not come up on landline bills

Make sure he can't see your browsing history on phone or computer. make plans to leave, post for advice if it helps, tell people in real life, escape.

best wishes and good luck

Madlizzy Wed 24-Apr-13 12:27:37

Financial and emotional abuse just for starters. Make sure you clear your history on the computer. Get back to your family xxx

QuintessentialOHara Wed 24-Apr-13 12:29:34

If you have no money, can you email your parents to come and get you?
How long have you been married?

Lueji Wed 24-Apr-13 12:30:57

Definitely yes, it is abuse.

As others said, call Womens Aid.

Tortington Wed 24-Apr-13 12:31:10


'let me'!

you have use of internet - make your plans, order yourself a new card.

open another bank account - paperless online banking type so no need for statements.

leave and go to a friends

SomethingProfound Wed 24-Apr-13 12:40:37

This is abuse!

He is controlling you and financially abusing you.

Who's idea was the move?

I suspect it was his.

I don't want to sound like a doomsayer but I think the abuse you are suffering from at present will escalate.

Call someone to come and get you.

At the very least call women's aid.

And do as custardo said. Please go before it gets worse.

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 13:32:34

Can you go back to where you stayed previously and live with family.

He cannot forbid you to work or go out. Can l ask if this is a cultural issue or is he just being a twat?

LippiPongstocking Wed 24-Apr-13 14:48:02

Women's Aid, call them. Call them right now.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 24-Apr-13 15:51:25

I agree with the others. This is pretty classic abuse.

Please tell us more about your situation. If you absolutely insisted, could you get out? Can you find your bank card? Can you access cash if you absolutely must, regardless of if he knows/likes it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 16:21:41

Yes it's abuse. Depriving you of money and denying you the right to earn a living are pretty serious. London was reported today to be one of the safest cities in the world so this 'dangerous' thing is just an excuse to keep you trapped. Would suggest you talk to your family, arrange a visit, don't come back and call Womens Aid when you get there.

What a nasty piece of work you married.

Lavenderhoney Wed 24-Apr-13 18:08:42

If he gives you money to spend, he must be allowing you out alone or he would go and pay himself. Does he want a receipt? Is he always with you? Does he lock the door when he leaves and you can't get out?

Next time you pop to the shop don't come back. Put your passport and anything paper essential in your handbag.

You are on the Internet, so presumably you can contact your family to come and see you, or you can see them? Tell them and go there, and again, don't go back. Are they in the UK? If not, can they get you an e-ticket?

Have you spoken to him about it? And said how unreasonable it is? Why move to London if its so scary? Doesn't make sense. Did he mention this before?

Hissy Wed 24-Apr-13 21:31:02

Where are you from originally OP, is this kind of treatment normal in your family/upbringing?

I'm guessing if you are asking, that it's not.

Well it isn't normal, in any sense, and somehow you do need to get out of this situation.

How much money do you have in the account that you have the card for?Enough to be of use to you?

I think you need to call your bank and tell them that your H has taken your card and can you get a new one, ideally one that you collect from a branch near you.

When he is out of the house, what do you do? stay in?

That is a terrible habit to break, I know, I spent 3 years inside during an abusive relationship, got panic attacks when out and about and felt like I should be punished for daring to be out.

Can you call Woman's Aid, talk to a RL person about it, and work out what you can realistically do to get yourself into a more healthy environment.

The state of affairs you are living through now can not continue, something has to change. You don't deserve this, never did, never will do, and nothing you did caused it, or will change it, only if you can get away from it.

Know that this will never get any better, only worse, and that even when your life barely registers, that he won't stop trying to control you.

HE is the problem, not you.

Please be brave, be strong and be calm, we'll be with you as long as you want us to be.

grumpyinthemorning Thu 25-Apr-13 11:35:09

Where did you move from? In the uk or abroad? I'm just outside of London, so can be available for rl support if you need it. This is abuse and you need to get out.

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