Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

when does the guilt stop

(5 Posts)
catkin14 Wed 24-Apr-13 12:04:51

I have posted before about leaving my H of 26 years after years of slow drip drip low level EA and constant criticism.

Its been 6 weeks since i left him, took DS to move near his school.

Please can someone tell me when do i stop feeling guilty for leaving him and constantly questioning whether i have done the right thing even though I am so much less stressed and internally angry than i used to be as i couldnt say what i wanted to when i was with him?

All my friends and relate counsellor and solicitor tell me i have done totally the right thing but i feel so scared sometimes. I had a very easy SAHM life with him in some respects, and now i do not have a clue what the future holds.

A little hand holding from anyone whos been there would be good please, my self confidence is shredded and Im nearly 50, and sometimes wondering what the hell have i done!

foolonthehill Wed 24-Apr-13 12:12:13

I don't know how long it lasts but I do know that it gets less as time goes on. For me it took quite a while to stop automatically minimising what had been going on (after all that is how we are "trained" and manage to continue in these relationships for so long). I left 18 months ago after 14 years. The general trend as i look back has been improving self esteem, confidence, practical skill acquisition and returning oh so slowly to myself. But there have certainly been many emotional ups and downs along the way.

What you have done is to reclaim your life and your self...she is there and has freedom to grow. You have also reclaimed your son's future as you show that that is not a normal way to treat someone who is supposed to be your love and life partner.

you have opened up your life to positive things. Be proud that you had the strength to leave, be confident that it is the right choice and know that even when you feel lonely or sad or inadequate, this is the best that you can do for now...and it will get so,so much better.

Mumofjz Wed 24-Apr-13 13:28:13

I haven't been in a similar situation as yourself but i have walked out of a marriage and suffered tremendous guilt for it. I can't say how long it lasted but can say, like foolonthehill it does get less and less.

The pinacles for me was when i dreamt, i somtimes dreamt i was back there, living that life, trying to work through it and though i was dreaming, the feelings of sadness that i had gone back, the unhappiness i was feeling compared to my "free" life were unmistakable and to me that shown i had made the right decision to leave. I would wake up soooo relieved that i was away from it all that it confirmed to me i was doing the right thing.

I wish you luck in your very happy future and believe you will truly find the peace and happiness you so deserve smile

catkin14 Wed 24-Apr-13 14:20:41

Thank you, those replies really helped.
I suppose if your relationship looks perfect from the outside and people are shocked by the split, it makes me question myself.
That and the splitting of possessions and money, even though i know these do not make you happy.
Maybe its just a day of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. Slap round face needed!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 15:59:10

After just six weeks you sound remarkably together and self-aware to me smile It's an extremely emotional and traumatic experience to split up with someone, no matter how 'right' the motivation. It's very daunting to be facing your future... like a long-term prisoner blinking in the sunlight... and wondering what the hell happens next. All I'd say to you therefore is to embrace everything you're feeling, good and bad, but don't be at home to Mr Guilt. Guilt is for the birds. Good luck

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: