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he may do something scary if I leave him

(23 Posts)
Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 10:58:42

My H and I have been together for 13yrs. We've had our ups and downs. And sometimes I feel like I would like to move on.

Only problem is that I believe he would become unstable if I left and took the children. He does not believe in divorce, as his parents divorced and he believes this is not in his future. And not what he wants for his children. This non-belief in divorce, whilst seemingly a good think, does not make him an exceptional person though.

He is a good father, but sometimes I feel like I may be happier as person if I were on my own.

I feel that if I decided to leave him, he may do something drastic and scary. Don't get me wrong, he has never been physcially abusive towards me. However, this belief about his family and life, is a foundation in his personality. I know he will not accept me leaving him with our children.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 11:08:09

Don't let emotional blackmail force you to stay in a life that is making you miserable. Not 'believing' in divorce is like saying he doesn't believe in rhubarb .... he might not like it but it exists, and it exists precisely for people like you. Work out what you want to happen, what you want your future to be and make plans based on that reality rather than assumptions about what he may or may not do. Plenty of bullying partners threaten suicide when faced with a partner that is no longer willing to tolerate the treatment.... the correct response is 'call Samaritans' not 'OK I'll stay'.

Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 11:17:16

Oh, he wouldn't just kill himself. I am afraid I would end up being one of the news headline...'Father kills wife and kids, then jumps off bridge'.

He would need to do something to punish me.

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 11:45:54

Chloe - in that case you are in an abusive relationship, regardless of the fact that he hasn't been physically violent towards you (yet). Your fear is based on something, and I'm sure if we probed long enough a whole catalogue of alarming controlling behaviours displayed by your H would come out. Fearing your H's response to divorce as being of the headline-grabbing variety is not normal. sad

If you decide to leave, you will need to do so with considerable planning. Women's Aid would be an excellent place for you to start, and if you trawl some of the older threads in RElationships on leaving abusive partners, you'll get some excellent advice and ideas of how to leave this relationship safely.

And you CAN leave. You are ALLOWED. YOUR happiness matters as much as his, as does your DC's happiness, and believe me they will be FAR happier growing up in a household where the relationship dynamic between their parents isn't abusive.

Good luck.

ecclesvet Wed 24-Apr-13 11:51:53

So don't leave with the children, then. confused

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 12:01:49

Most people who get divorced don't see it as part of their future.

He is unlikely to kill either himself or you. But he is abusive enough to hold the threat over you.

The very fact that he is already doing that means you must leave him.

What else does he do in the name of preserving his marriage?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 24-Apr-13 12:14:58

Eccles that's helpful hmm
OP, can you contact your local domestic violence charity for advice? This is very abusive.

Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 12:18:01

I'm sorry ecclesvet, I am not sure if your being serious, but I couldn't leave the children.

I think generally we have a normal relationship, with arguements. We can be fiery and I am not an angel. But sometimes he shows me a dark side. I've briefly discussed with my Mother and she agrees, he would become unhinged if I left. And that possibly the only way for the marriage to breakdown amicably is for it to be his idea. But he is not a womanizer.

Examples of behaviour - He has threatened to kill me, in a comical/ off the cuff/ semi serious manner, if he discovered I was having an affair. One night I asked him not run down the battery on my phone by playing games on it, so he became suspicious I was hiding something. My brother sent me flowers for my birthday and he became suspicious. He did all this when I was pregnant, at home every night and in bed by 9pm.

He has never a real reason to be suspicious of me.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 24-Apr-13 12:19:39

You do not need his permission to leave.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 12:21:21

What you describe is a million miles from normal my love.

I despise this kind of man more than any man who fucks around with other wome, or even hits his partner, because this type grinds you down by making you frightened of what might happen.

Please leave.

Tortington Wed 24-Apr-13 12:22:31

if he's a dick - leave.

you don't need to tell him where you live - organise a mutual place for visitation.

Madlizzy Wed 24-Apr-13 12:25:26

You need a safe place away from him. Women's Aid will help you here. If you are afraid that he will hurt you and the children, then you are in an abusive relationship.

Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 12:27:47

The issue is I have children with this man and he will always be a part of my life as a result. Hence my desire for an amicable split.

The majority of the time things are fine.

I feel like I should wait a little longer until the children are older - maybe he'll want a newer model by then and will have mellowed.

I don't feel like we are in a particularly dire time in the relationship at the moment, I just feel miserable today and want to vent somethings that have been on my mind a long time.

Madlizzy Wed 24-Apr-13 12:33:41

Thing is, you're never going to have an amicable split from what you've told us. Why should you wait because he's threatened you? Yes, you have children by him, but that means the children are tied to him, not you. They can still have a perfectly good relationship with him separately from you. You deserve to be happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Apr-13 12:40:32

He will likely not give you an amicable separation.

Would reconsider at all staying with him for x more number of years or until they are that much older. You will simply find spurious reasons not to leave him then, you'll be further ground down by him and you won't know which way is up. Also children pick up on all the unspoken tensions within the home so that's more crap they'll pick up on.

He is not a good father to his children if you personally feel you'd be better off on your own. He is certainly not a great H is he?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this model that is being played out here?.

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 12:44:09

You will never have an amicable separation from an abuser. It's a contradiction in terms. sad

You will never get him to understand your POV - if you could you wouldn't have been feeling this degree of unhappiness in the first place.

The only way to leave an abuser is to present them with a fait accompli and refuse to negotiate.

If you really think he is capable of killing your DC if you left, he should not be having contact with the DC unsupervised (if indeed, at all) anyway. Contact at a contact centre is the only way to go, which is another means of keeping you all safe.

Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 12:55:11

I do not believe he would plot a murder. I believe he could become enraged and lash out in attempt to punish me.

I believe if this scenrio did not happen, he would employ any method possible to punish me to the maximium. Maybe legally, for example he would prehaps attempt to gain full custody of the children by slandering me.

He knows the best way to hurt me would be through my children. And this is my fear.

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 12:58:00

It doesn't matter whether he premeditated or lashed out. If the fear is real, you need to act on it.

If you left with the DC and got yourselves safe, he can slander you all he likes and not get anywhere. By the time it went to court the status quo will have been established and a court is not going to mess with that save to award him access rights (if appropriate).

Any adult who would use children to hurt an X is not a fit parent.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 13:07:15

Thing is, statistically he is very unlikely to do any of what he says.

You say he would never plot to kill you. You say you fear he will lash out and kill you. His threats have made you think this is a possibility.

"the majority of the time things are fine" That would be because you are being careful on those eggshells you walk on would it?

For you to have for even one nanosecond the thought that the father of your children might kill you and them means that, to (mis)quote Thelma and Louise, things are not fine, they are not fine at all.

Legal rights of fathers aside, you would have to be proved to be one hell of an unfit mother for him to gain custody.

Chloe80 Wed 24-Apr-13 13:15:02

I guess due to the anonymity of this forum, I expressing my most extreme fears. Maybe they are irrational?

I agree that all these things are unlikely to actually happen.

And to be honest I really only have a vague knowledge of the legal implications of divorce.

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 13:18:44

So let's take it a step at a time. We've agreed he's not going to kill you, or his children. We can do the legal stuff later.

Why did you post today?

Do you want to leave him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 15:00:30

"And to be honest I really only have a vague knowledge of the legal implications of divorce."

That can be corrected pretty easily. If you have a look at the Law Society website you can search for solicitors in your area that specialise in Family Law. Some might offer a free initial consultation during which you can find out a huge amount about things like finances & custody/shared parenting where there is a history of abuse

I'd also recommend Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who are very good at giving advice to women living in fear of what their partners might do if they dare leave. They can help you achieve what you need to achieve and stay safe at the same time.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Apr-13 15:54:41

1. read lundy bancroft why does he do that - some wont apply but you may or may no recognize him in some of the anecdotes

2. ask yourself - why wait til kids are older/he meets someone else/ etc?chances are - he wont go off nicely and quietly. i used to wish for didnt happen. i had to leave in the end.. (and he threatened to kill himself etc etc)

3. dont imagine it will be all amicable - he has made it clear he doesnt "do" divorce...well, tough, he will have to if you decide so. but yes you are right to be worried if he makes you feel that way. make a plan talk to womens aid etc. be some place safe when/if he kicks off so you can call 999...

4. think about what makes him a "good father" - it is so easy to say...but what is it he does? is it all about the dc or all about him?

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