Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
stalemate over DH lies - what to do?(43 Posts)
I have been having an ongoing issue with H. In a nutshell we split last year very bad terms due to his verbaly and emotional abusive ways. We got back together after almost a year based on the fact (in my mind) that he had had counselling to deal with his issues and had changed.
He seemed totally different and has not raised his voice even once and has pretty much been a good guy since moving back home 7 months ago.
BUT basically a couple of things happend to make me doubt that he had done the counselling at all. I confronted him and he will not admit that he didnt go. We have been sleeping seperately for about 4 months now and this suits me fine but he of course is sexually frustrated and cannot understand what is up with me. He even said last week do i want him to go out and have an affair!
I know in my heart he is lying about the counselling. He supposedly went every week for 6 weeks and used to rush off to it, ring me after etc etc and basically put on a great show of going. If he didnt go that means that he didnt think he needed to go and that all the abusive behaviour was in my head? my fault? didnt happen?
What do i do? I have challenged him several times over this and he keeps denying and side stepping. He told me he wont go for couples counselling and i can go if i need to but he is done with living in the past.........
What do i do? I really would love if he would admit that he didnt go.....
Why are you focussing on this specific issue rather than the overall quality of your relationship? what does it matter if he had counselling or not, if he's changed his ways? what would you love about it if he admitted he didn't go?
Do you actually like this man at all?
6 weeks of counselling and he"s cured?
I thought abusers counselling was usually somewhere between 20 and 48 weeks.
I think you may have been fed a pack of lies, or he may have been desparate to change in order to repair your relationship but either way it's immaterial, you don't trust him, you don't believe him, doesn't sound like a successful relationship.
i began to notice behaviours that got me suspicious - i felt he hadnt really changed at all - felt like he was just pretending he had changed to get his family back. so thats one issue. am concerned perhaps i have reunited with a still abusive person - my life was hell with him before and i couldnt go back to that.
issue no 2 is basic trust. if he lied to me for weeks on end about going to counselling - literally rushing his dinner and shower etc so as not to be late.......... telling me how well the counselling was going and how helpful he was finding it - quite an elaborate act. he has lied to me for years over various things so trust was already in short supply.
would love him to admit it because then i would be 1000% sure - my gut telling me im right but he is making me doubt myself.
also we are stuck until he admits it - dont know how to move forward - i know he is hoping i will just get fed up asking him and get over it.
and do i actually like him? good question - how do you like someone who you cant trust? and then sometimes i really love him.........
yes i was very naieve to think 6 weeks would cure him. i guess i thought that the shock of having to leave his home plus the fact that he seemed to changed that would be enough.
and i think he really thought he didnt need the counselling at all - so what does that tell me?
Can you get the details of the counsellor from him and give them a call to ask if he did actually attend?
This would be my first step. If he isn't willing to give you that info then you probably have your answer.
What do you get out of this relationship now?.
What is there to love about such a person exactly?.
You have indeed reunited with a still abusive person. You move forward by separating from him for good this time. No trust - no relationship.
Small wonder you split up last year and he has not changed; he has said precisely what you wanted to hear to sucker you back in i.e he went to counselling and he has changed. I would put a crisp £5 note on it that he never attended any counselling session, such men usually do not attend willingly. Such men also0 do not change, also it would take far longer than 6 weeks (which such issues often do not because such are too deeply rooted within their own pysche and they would have to admit to doing wrong) and six weeks is no time at all in the great scheme of things. He will never admit anything to you which will make him look bad.
If he thinks he didn't need the counselling but lied about going that doesn't mean you were wrong and he isn't abusive, that's not logical! If he has treated you badly and left you lacking in any trust, then really think about what YOU want. You don't owe him anything, you gave him an opportunity to change and he didn't take it seriously.
"felt like he was just pretending he had changed to get his family back. "
Bingo. 'Pretending' or 'lying' seems to be his default setting. Whether it's about changing or going to counselling or anything else, he is going to say whatever it takes to get his feet back under the table. And I'll match Attila's crisp fiver with another that says he reverts to type as soon as he thinks it's safe to do so.
Bullies rarely think they have a problem btw. It's everyone else with the problem.
Either he's done the therapy and he's still abusive; or he hasn't and is both lying and abusive.
Still lying - notposterevaeoining has changed.
Still minimising - nothing has changed.
Still putting his needs, wants first - nothing has changed
Nothing will ever change. This is your lot with him, well until the verbal and emotional abuse maybe moves on to physical abuse.
I think it's time evaeoin was leavin'
Thanks for all the replies - this has been going around and around in my head for weeks.
First thing i did was phone the counsellor. H wouldnt give me his name but there is only one counsellor in the town he was supposed to be travelling to. He had told me the name last year when he first mentioned it but i forgot it until i googled the town and i recognised the name when i saw it IYKWIM. So am prety sure i have the right person. Anyway consellor never heard of my H.
Good thing about H is he is a brilliant dad to our DC's who are very young and idolise him. Thats all i can think of right now.
I have spoken to my bro about this and he wll support me no mater what which is great but he asked me yest if this is all H is lying about. I just said who knows but really is this not enough. to me this was fundamental to our geting back together.
Even if it is the only thing your DH is lying about it is a pretty big thing which has impacted enormously on you family life and relationship.
You obviously don't and can't trust what he says.
No trust=no relationship
'done with living in the past' - that tells you all you need to know.
One of the main markers for working out if an abuser has really changed is their willingness to own up to their past behaviour and discuss it.
Done with living in the past = unwilling to deal with the consequences of his actions (or indeed lack thereof).
Even if you don't live together he can still be a good dad to the children. Being a good dad doesn't give him the right to trample all over you.
You don't trust him
No relationship (that is worth anything)
he can still be the kids father if you split...nothing changes there
Just turning up for counselling (if he ever did) isn't an end in itself anyhow. It's simply a step towards the outcome. Whether he went or not, it doesn't sound as if he has made any changes or is demonstrating behaviour which suggests it's underway.
If he was rushing out on 'counselling' evenings, btw, freshly showered and all that, and wasn't going where he said, what might he have been doing?
I suppose he really even when we got back together first just wanted to brush it all under the carpet and pretend it ever happened.
He has said a few times recently that i made a "show" of him and referred to "what i did to him" - (meaning threw him out of the house) - thought that was very different version to the person who supposedly took full responsibility for his actions and was never going to let me down again etc etc
Also he sleeps our room/bed while i am sleeping in spare room (tiny single bed) - this pisses me off
Also why did he say "do you want me to have an affair" - looking for an excuse to cheat as it will be my fault for not sleeping with him
He is talking of moving abraoad for 6 months to work - im not sure if this is gaslighting but i hope not - i would be so happy if he left for another country - its not a long term solution i know but it would be a huge relief for now.
Cross everything that this happens please girls.
Don't hope for something that might simply be a load of hot air
Turf him out again if you don't want him
Another brilliant dad.
A brilliant dad does not make the mother of his kids unhappy and he doesn't lie to her.
If he is a brilliant dad, he will do all he can to remain fully involved with his children even if (when!) you LTB.
AThing is correct, children don't 'idolise' good parents, they just accept and expect everything to be good, because they feel secure. Behaving as if they idolise him suggests they are trying to keep him happy, as they don't want to see his bad side.
a bit of hand holding would be much appreciated!!
i have just come back from my first counselling session. my gp referred me to mental health services two weeks ago. am really happy now to be able to start counselling and address the issues i am having. have been feeling down for a long time but i thought it was just and energy problem. truth is i am a bit depress.
anyway of course i spent most of the session talking about my experiences and current problem with H.
she thought is was a bit of a no brainer which i suppose it is. MY MARRAIGE IS NOT WORKING. But any one have any clue how i get this into my psyche properly?
Still stalemate with H over the counselling lie. He is very off with me this week. Not aggressive just quiet and sulky. Please tell me what to do. I feel there is no point asking him to tell me the truth again. Help. I know there is the simple(ish) solution of telling him marraige is over but i dont know if i have the mental and physical reserves to cope with the fall out right now.
How you get it into your psyche is to get him out of your environment and make him leave again. He's wormed his way back into your home under false pretences and he's working on you all the time he's there. Influencing the way you think and the way you behave just like always. On the one hand you describe him as sulky and quiet but it's clear that he's got you fearful about 'the fall-out'. You're being manipulated.
Join the discussion
Please login first.