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Insomniac DH looking after kids during day

(20 Posts)
marytheresa Wed 24-Apr-13 09:41:20


I'm back at work and left hubby with our 9 month old baby and he has to pick up our 3.5 ds from school nursery at 11.45am then our 7 year old in afternoon. He has to do this for 3 days a week. He leaves the baby at his mum's while he picks up DS. The problem is that he is a bit of an insomniac and came to bed this morning at 05.45. The two eldest were up when I left at 07.10am. The baby had slept all night. Yesterday when I got home at 6pm I found biscuit crumbs in the babies cot. He had left the baby in the cot with a bowl of biscuits while he did whatever (sleep probably). What if the baby had choked? I am at work now and feel worried. If I make a big issue out of it, he'll probably get angry. I know it is tough to look after kids. I told him last night to get sleep and sleep while baby sleeps during night but he didn't. I don't know what to do. He has the potential to earn 3x much as me, but wants to stay at home.He has always been like this. Married 9 years in September

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 09:55:22

Is this insomnia diagnosed and treated medically? If not, then that's the place to start. It becomes less of a personal attack about his biscuit-feeding antics (which you should still raise btw) and more telling him to take responsibility for his health. If he's not prepared to see a GP about his sleep problems then he's irresponsible and you are quite entitled to go on the offensive.

If he doesn't sleep and he's collecting the DCs at various points during the day, I seriously hope he's not driving a car? confused

pregnantpause Wed 24-Apr-13 10:05:23

leaving a baby in cot with a jar of biscuits is not okay unless another DC was hurt and bleeding needing to be sorted asap I can't see a good excuse for it.sad He sounds very selfish. If he wants to stay at home to look after DC, great, but he is staying home to look after them, not to be a lazy star and do bare minimum. He's a sah parent. If he's just staying at home without parenting he's just unemployed.
if he suffers insomnia has he seen a doctor? Sleeping tablets perhaps if he is not needed through the night?

pregnantpause Wed 24-Apr-13 10:06:41

He's a lazy arse. Not star.

fanoftheinvisibleman Wed 24-Apr-13 10:12:01

As someone who suffers with insomnia I would say the worst thing you can do is sleep during the day as you just end up with an altered sleep pattern. I have had days where I have had under an hours sleep at night but if I sleep in the day an awful spiral starts so I push through to a normal bedtime.

I would second speaking to the doctor but I went down the route of getting help in a non medication route but was still via nhs. Ours was a drop in service but his gp should be able to help either way.

BlingLoving Wed 24-Apr-13 11:24:26

I don't know much about "proper" insomnia, but I wouldn't consider someone who chooses to come to bed at 5am an insomniac. Surely a true insomniac wants to sleep, but can't?

If he is a true insomniac, he should get help. If he's just a nightowl who likes to be up at night, then you have every right to be annoyed. DH is a bit like this but he's very good in that he knows that if he's tired in the day its his own fault and he is very good about not taking it out on me or DS. Now and again, he goes to bed so late that he is pretty useless the next day and I do sometimes get annoyed, but that's not the same as a) doing it all the time or b) doing things that are dangerous for your DC as a result.

He needs to grow up. Teenagers go to bed late and are useless all day. Grown men with children and responsibilities need to be a bit more sensible.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Wed 24-Apr-13 11:31:37

Does he actually have trouble sleeping or does he just sit down stairs on the computer claiming " he can't sleep" my dp has been known to spend til2/3/4 o clock on the damn things his excuse being " he's to wired to sleep" one wound think that if insomnia was indeed the problem that they would have sought help by now. Does he drink alot of caffeine? What things does he try in order to wind down and try to sleep?

canyou Wed 24-Apr-13 11:35:43

I live with an insomniac and it can be hard but like fanoftheinvisableman has said sleeping during the day is the worst thing to do and tbh DP can rarely sleep during the day even if he has had only an hr or so of sleep.
DP has the added stress of being a shift worker.
He uses routine to help ie shower, drink milk helps,bed, even temp in room, darkness and an alarm that slowly lights up and has a quite melody to wake him slowly. He also uses sleeping tablets if he has no sleep in 3/4 days and a counselor when very stressed he also writes a diary of his day and he keeps a to do list if he is getting overwhelmed.
TBH your partner needs to deal with a sleeping pattern that has gone wrong and he needs to be out and about with the baby during the day it will help. And he needs to stop driving if he is so tired that he risks leaving a baby in the cot with food so he can sleep

Dahlen Wed 24-Apr-13 11:37:56

I used to suffer with insomnia. Sleeping in the day is the worst thing you can possibly do.

What is he doing during the night when he can't sleep and you're not awake?

Offred Wed 24-Apr-13 11:40:10

a. if he has proper insomnia or trouble sleeping then he should speak to a doctor.

b. you should not be scared to speak to him about leaving the baby with biscuits in the cot, that is very dangerous and the baby's safety matters more than his pride.

If you absolutely cannot speak to him about either of these things then this is a bad sign for your marriage. What is the fear he will get angry based on?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 24-Apr-13 12:18:01

He wants to be a sahd but isn't any good at it, so he doesn't get to be, he has to go to work. My XH is nocturnal (not an insomniac) and wasn't safe to have care of DS in the mornings for this reason.

marytheresa Wed 24-Apr-13 15:54:03


Thanks for all the feedback. I have come to the realisation from reading your posts that it is not insomnia but the fact that he is a night owl.

He did try to get into a normal pattern before I went back to work, but this lasted about 2 days. He plays a game called 'Fallout' on the PC and he can spend all night doing this.

I think I have just accepted it, it has only started to concern me as he is left more or less in sole charge of the kids now.

We get along in general but I hate confrontation, which I know is bad too. I did call him today to remind him of yesterday and he said 'Don't worry and stop moaning'.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Apr-13 15:59:00

well i it was your nanny you would sack her right? at least give her a warning...
time to get tough. he cant do the job of SAHP aANd stay up all night playing on his computer.

Offred Wed 24-Apr-13 16:05:07

Agree with cestlavie... Come on, FFS, a computer game? He needs to grow up. You need to ask him if he quit his job to play of games or be a stay at home dad because from your description the pc game is what's getting his undivided attention.

cestlavielife Wed 24-Apr-13 16:22:52

what does he do when he has all three after school? is he doing dinner baths etc ? is he running the household ?

madonnawhore Wed 24-Apr-13 16:27:08

So he's not insomniac at all? He's just a massive man child who stays up all night playing computer games and is so knackered the next day he puts his children in danger.

I'd be telling him to sort himself out or he'd be shown the door.

canyou Wed 24-Apr-13 17:04:00

Is he addicted to this game tbh it sounds as if he is, he gave up his job, he is not accepting the responsibility he has and is potentially endangering the DC, I know written down that sounds harsh but if it was the above and drink/drugs/gambling was involved we would be saying get help so I think the same stands here, he must get help,

AnyFucker Wed 24-Apr-13 17:13:39

He doesn't sound like an insomniac, he sounds like a manchild addicted to gaming

He doesn't sound like a sahd, he sounds like someone putting his DC in danger because of his addiction

jellybeans Wed 24-Apr-13 18:05:41

I am insomniac and even when I had no sleep at all for days on end I looked after 5 DC properly. It sucks but the safety of DC are paramount. If someone is SAHP but not doing it properly and safely then they shouldn't be doing it. I would not put up with that and would send him back to work! It's not an excuse to bum about.

grobagsforever Wed 24-Apr-13 20:36:18

He quit work to play games didn't he? Lazy git. He needs to return to work.

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