Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should we seperate???

(31 Posts)
mummycowp Wed 24-Apr-13 09:17:41

I think I should leave my husband. It's such a long story but i'll start from the beginning. We met in school and we have been with each other since then. That was 8 years ago. At such a young age I became obsessed with him. Nothing else was important. Even when he was playing me and another girl against each other I was obsessed. I wanted to be with him...Eventually I "got" him. He treated me badly. He would lie to me about where he was and just not give a damn about me. We were on and off. He went on holiays with his friends and i'd find out that he'd been cheating while he was there. One example is when he went abroad, met a girl and when he came back he would say he was going to visit a friend in uni 3 hours drive but I found out he was going to see her...Another time he met a girl abroad and one day he left his emails open and she was sending him messages like "i miss you, remember our night at the beach" I obviously broke up with him after each time but it didnt last long and I was again chasing him OBSESSED with him. My parents did not like him and the way he treated me. They were there to support me but I didn't care. I just wanted him! Then at 18 I get pregnant to him! We moved in together and rented a house. He did nothing to help around the house and he still went out with his friends. He used to lie to me. I found text messages on his phone. A conversation with his friend about making an excuse so he can go and meet some girls he knows. He was going to say he had to work away! Our beautiful daughter was born 4 months after moving out and he was ok for a couple of weeks but then the lying started again and I finally said to him that I need to leave and go back to live with my mum and dad. My family were supportive they helped me I know my mum and dad and sister and brother are there for me. I said I would NEVER go back to him. but after only 11 weeks there I was looking at wedding rings with him and arranging a wedding! I stayed with my mum for about 9 months. He was ok during this time. I had no problems.... I thought he had changed! We bought our first house together and we got married a few months later abroad...All our friends and family were there. It was great... Then I got pregnant again. He started to go back to his old self. He was still going out at weekends rolling in at 3-4am. All of this time being verbally abusive...My son was then born. and I was made redundant in work so I couldnt return. This did suit me for a while though as it was nice to spend the time with my kids. However, things got worse between me and my husband. He resented that I don't work. and now I'm going to start talking about what life is like now and what it has been like for the past 2 years....He doesnt do anything round the house. All he does is play his ps3 watch football or play football. Nothing else is important. He doesnt wash a dish. He just doesn't do anything. If I ask him to anything he shouts at me. He tells me I am lazy and sit at home and vegetate all day while he is at work. He swears at me. He calls me a c**t b***h cow, git everything you can think of. He humiliates me in front of his family members family members by putting me down and telling them things like i don't get food in for him and I don't make him his tea but that is NOT the case. An outright lie. I make sure there is food in all the time. I do make his tea but all he wants to do is order takeaways. In-fact there have been time when I have made food for him and he has come in and said he doesn't want it and he is ordering pizza! He works 4 days in 4 days off. During those 4 days he doesn't do anything. He invites his friend round to play on his ps3 while I run around after the kids. Even when they are ill and I need extra help he will still do his own thing. Another thing is he hates the way I eat. When we are sitting watching tv at night i literally have to ask permission or have to eat it in the other room because he doesn't like it if I make a noise. Or not even if I make a noise, if it sip too many times in a row. hE SAYS HES LIKE THAT WITH EVERYONE BUT EVEN IF HE IS, HE CAN CONTROL HIS ANGER AROUND THEM BUT NOT WITH ME. We recently bought a puppy and he is saying i'm neurotic because I am trying to train him and he needs to be watched constantly in case he has accidents. He hates standing outside with him for 10 mins while he has a poo. Would rather just lock him in the room where he is playing his ps3 and shout at him if he does his business anywhere. The list goes on. I havent gone into detail about specific arguments as i would be here all day. We argure constantly because he cannot just do a simple thing for me. I dont ask him to do much either. I take care of everything. the cleaning the shopping the DIY! He does do some but only when we've had an argument over it..When I say argument i mean i ask him to do something and he starts saying i should do it cos he works and that i do nothing... then i obviously start defending myself. I take care of all the finances which I am rubbish at. We are in a lot of debt. I have begged him to help me by taking some of the burden but he refuses and says Its my job. I look after the kids he does help out sometimes but not enough. The other night he went out and I went to bed because I was exhausted. When he came in he was verbally abusive saying I should come down and watch tv with him... Thats when I told him iv had enough and I cant go on like this. He started saying he will try to be less horrible and do the little things I ask of him without a fight. That lasted 24 hours and here I am again after another kickoff. Iv tried to tell him so many times he always says he'll change. He expects me to be affectionate but I just don't want to be. He will talk to me like a dog but then expect me to be all over him. To be honest when he is being nice to me I do tend to forget how he treats me and act like everything's normal but he is only nice to me when it suits him. I cant take this anymore... I'm depressed... When I go home to my house I feel a horrible shadow come over me. I'm not motivated to do anything. He puts me down all the time... Like im useless. I don't even think I like him anymore. I used to just take a lot of the rubbish from him when he was younger but for say about the past 6 months I have began to hate him. I don;t care about him. I just want to get away from him. We are always shouting and a lot of the time infront of the kids. I am snapping at my kids all the time. Everyone I know thinks i'm a laid back person. When I have spoken to a couple of friends people say they wouldn't last a day in my house and that I am very calm about it. The truth is i'm not calm in my house. I become stressed and I feel like im going to explode. I have visions of smashing everything up... When I am ANYWHERE else I do not feel like that. When im at home with my family and my kids I'm fine... Can anyone tell me. Is this a normal relationship? My husband tells me that all relationships are like this. He also says that other people his age are going out all the time going on holiday etc. but he did that all when he was young. hes been away 5 times with his mates. He used to go out every weekend till 4am. I have done nothing like that. I have wasted my teens on him. I love my children and I think they are the only good thing that has come from this relationship.....He says that I get all this from my mum and dad and that they infest me with bad thoughts. but the thing is, I come from a happy family. I have NEVER witnessed an argument between my mum and dad. I wish he was like my dad but he says my dad is weak and under the thumb and he will never be like him... What have I done with my life... I just want to go home...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 09:25:41

"I cant take this anymore... I'm depressed... When I go home to my house I feel a horrible shadow come over me. I'm not motivated to do anything. He puts me down all the time... Like im useless. I don't even think I like him anymore."

Yes you should separate because his man has been a negative influence on your life from the off. He doesn't like you, he doesn't like your family, he makes you angry, stressed and depressed. He's a BULLY of the very worst kind, exploiting your feelings for him. It will damage your children to grow up with your relationship as a role model. All relationships are not like this... of course not.... you know from your own parents that it's true.

If you've made a big mistake marrying him start making a plan how to get him out of your life. It's not a 'waste' btw... you've got some lovely children and you've learned a valuable lesson from the experience. But now you have to retake control of your life, get some support from friends and family, use outside agencies like CAB, Womens Aid or solicitors. There is a happy future waiting for you if you make a bit of effort to grab it.

Good luck

Mosman Wed 24-Apr-13 09:31:15

You are so young. Ditch him and live in peace with your kids and maybe some one new in time. Hugs

skaboy Wed 24-Apr-13 09:34:04

Wow - I didn't have to read too far to decide on 'yes you should separate' being the answer.

Life is for living. You still have so much time to make a nice life for you and your kids

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 09:38:09

Yes you should leave/separate/kick him out. No, his behaviour isn't normal.

Have you told people in real life (family, friends?) about him?

Take Cog's advice and speak to the CAB or WA.

You are young enough to start again, but better. smile

MadBusLady Wed 24-Apr-13 09:44:57

No, it's not even slightly normal. He sounds awful - selfish, nasty, lazy, arrogant.

You're young, you have lovely DC, you can make a happy new life for yourselves without him. Don't worry about having made a mistake - cut your losses and start living. I'm guessing your family and friends would be supportive if you told them you were ending it?

Also, when the dust has settled a bit, have a good think about why you experienced your obsession with someone who didn't treat you well as "love". Maybe (hopefully) it was just a teenage mistake, we're all a little crazy and hormonal at that age. But just in case it's a pattern you might repeat.

ladyjadie Wed 24-Apr-13 09:45:32

You poor thing, you sound so worn down. I think you know it is time to stop putting your energy into this 'relationship'. I can relate to several of your statements, I was like that with my first boyfriend:
" At such a young age I became obsessed with him. Nothing else was important. Even when he was playing me and another girl against each other I was obsessed. I wanted to be with him...Eventually I "got" him. He treated me badly. " Yup. Mine even ripped up mu UCAS uni form because I "didn't need to go to uni, I would have his babies," hmm It was only when we broke up two years later (after a mutual argument) and after a period of devastation at the loss, that I suddenly saw the light and felt so free!
Then this: "He doesnt do anything round the house. All he does is play his ps3 watch football or play football. Nothing else is important. He doesnt wash a dish. He just doesn't do anything. If I ask him to anything he shouts at me." Mmmhmm. I had a guy like that too (I know how to pick them).. Men who sit around all day doing nothing but stare at a screen are not men. They are a phenomenon known as the Man-Child.

None of this is ok. It isn't what all relationships are like. Just have a look at the threads on here where people write the lovely things their partners do for them (I would link but not sure how). You've been stuck in a rut and this is all you know, so it is scary to change but I promise you will be happier.

Some good things to line this cloud:
You sound pretty self-sufficient. You do all the cleaning, most of the childcare, all the DIY. Why not find somewhere you can do that and NOT be put down all the time?

You have your kids, and now is time to give them an environment where they don't grow up thinking being a man-child and putting down mum in front of his mates is an ok thing to do.

Your family sound like they will support you, so grab that with both hands and be willing and excited to experience a life without always feeling put down upon. Good luck!

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 09:52:58

My mum and Dad know all about it. I talk to them about it. They want me to come home and get away from him. He is so nice to me in front of them and the rest of my family but they know it's an act. He is at work...I am going to pack my suitcase and go before he comes back... Thanks everyone.

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 10:00:46

iv changed my name btw im no longer mummycowp

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 10:03:10

I'll help you pack smile Your Mum and Dad sound like lovely, lovely people and you are so lucky to have them. I bet they've been really worried about you all this time. Good luck.

MadBusLady Wed 24-Apr-13 10:03:17

Good plan. Good luck!

Jux Wed 24-Apr-13 10:04:52

Good luck, op. You are doing the right thing. (Can you get copies of wage slips, bank statements etc, to take with you? Don't worry if you can't, though.)

ilovepicnmix Wed 24-Apr-13 10:09:29

Go now! This is not normal at all. Good luck and best wishes.

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 10:09:45

yeah i can get wage slips and things. what would they be for?? xx

purplewithred Wed 24-Apr-13 10:15:15

It will be helpful for when it comes to sorting out maintenance for the children, especially if you suspect he will try to be dishonest about his income to make the payments as small as possible.

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 10:19:24

aaah ok...really worried about the debt though... my mum and dad dont know how much of a mess we are in. if we sold the house we could pay them off but i don't know what i would live on till then. all of his wages go on bills and we have very little spare..... i'll have to get on ebay! I know that when i leave he will spend any little money we have on takeaways and going out drinking... mym mum and dad are great but they will be really annoyed with me for getting into so much debt! xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Apr-13 10:33:09

The debt element is why you need legal and financial advice. Are the debts in joint names or his sole name? If joint, for example, then you are jointly liable and it may require selling the property, settling the debts and then starting fresh with your share of whatever is left. You'd need somewhere new to live and this is where the local housing authority can potentially help you. Have a look as well at www.turn2us.org.uk where there is a very good benefits checker. That might make you more optimistic.

In the meantime, do you have your own bank account into which things like Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits are paid? If you think he's going to fritter through any joint account (?) money then, after you've gone, you should talk to your bank and see what they suggest.

Pack first, get yourself safe and then tackle all of these things with your parents' help. If they can see that you are taking responsibility for yourself and your DCs, getting advice and fixing the mess, I'm sure they will be happy rather than annoyed

lemonstartree Wed 24-Apr-13 10:36:40

just leave. This is no life. But this time. leave and mean it. This man has no respect or love for you whatsoever. No one deserves that.

arsenaltilidie Wed 24-Apr-13 10:55:31

Best thing you have said I am going to pack my suitcase and go before he comes back..
Dont worry about money issues etc at the moment, be glad you have a roof over your head becuse of your lovely parents.

Doha Wed 24-Apr-13 11:04:21

Go go go now while he is out.
Can someone come and pick you up and take you to your DP's.
The priority is to get your DC's and yourself away safely. The seek legal advice about the debt.
Good luck, you know you are doing the right thing

Crazycake Wed 24-Apr-13 11:10:02

You are so strong and so together, you can do this! I packed up and left my abusive XH with 3 young children (the youngest was 10 months old). I didn't realise how much debt we were in, part head in sand and part XH getting cards out in my name. No debt was in his name as he had poor credit. When I finally got my own place to live red letters started arriving by the dozen, I owed 20k!! 12 years on I am debt free, re married with a fourth DC and I've never been so happy. Your happy ever after is out there, you just need to get out and grab it wink The best thing you can do is look after yourself, a happy mummy = happy children. P.s you're parents sound wonderful, good luck thanks

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 11:21:57

Crazycake - It's brilliant to here an example of someone who has been through it. I'm pretty sure that is approx how much we owe. And i'd say most of it is in my name too! What did you do about the debt?We have money in the house which I think could pay it all but nothing left over...

mummyof2kidsx Wed 24-Apr-13 11:54:58

hear not here!

Crazycake Wed 24-Apr-13 11:59:41

We didn't own our house it was rented so no money there, I went through a debt management plan with Bains & Ernst, they're not for everyone because they do take a small monthly fee but it's not as harsh as bankruptcy or an IVA etc. they deal with all of you're debtors together, get them to stop and interest a crewing etc, you pay B&E once a month and they spread that payment between each company, giving most to the one you owe most to iyswim. If you get any demanding phonecalls or letters from debt people, you pass them on to B&E and they sort it for you so you don't even have to speak to anyone else. They were brilliant with me, like I said, not for everyone but definitely worth looking into. If you do however decide to ring them, withhold your number so you have time to digest and think about it without them being pushy, otherwise they will ring you back. Hope this helps x

thistlelicker Wed 24-Apr-13 12:01:58

Good luck op!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now