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Getting over OM when you still love OM?

(24 Posts)
PlaistowQueen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:08:44

Affair has come to an end, my instigation - I have hurt OM who is is upset and angry. I didn't really want to end it and am still very much in love with OM but I was struggling with my double life and fear of discovery.

At first I felt relief.....but as the minutes turned into hours and now days, I have begun to feel worse and worse. I miss OM more than I have missed anyone in my life. I feel immense grief and deep sorrow. I feel as if the bottom has dropped out of my life. My whole life feels completely empty and I cannot comprehend why I acted as I did. I feel as if my whole self is weeping inside and I have this terrible fear that I've let 'the one' get away and I will never feel loved like that again. The though of never being close or intimate with him again makes me feel wretched but the loss of the emotional side of the affair is what's really hurting most right now.

Yes, I know I have messed up things this year. I am human and I screwed up my life.

Can someone remind me how to get over a relationship and give me some words of wisdom to stay strong and get through this. Some good healthy flaming about having and affair and why it's wrong would probably be a good start!

Thanks. I just need a little hand holding as I'm struggling.

ajandjjmum Mon 22-Apr-13 16:12:06

Get busy - don't give yourself a minute to think.

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 16:16:42

Well for a start, you weren't in a relationship. You were having an affair. They are not the same.

I imagine much of what you are feeling comes from the fact that, now the OM is gone, you are back in whatever miserable situation caused you to want to have an affair in the first place.

As you say, you know why you ended it and, personally, I think it was the right decision. What's going on in your marriage?

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 22-Apr-13 16:27:14

Had brief fling with OM, and despite not even wanting to be with him, it took 2 years for the love/pain (which?) to go. Make it into a little flame, put it away in the corner of your mind, and let it quietly burn itsself to an end.

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:30:00

How long had the affair been going on?

Why did you decide to end it and make a go of your marriage instead of leaving for the OM?

Isn't your H going to notice that you are inconsolable? You can't be that good an actress, surely.

The best way to get over an ended relationship normally is to throw yourself into family/friends/hobbies/work - make sure you have a full, active life without a man in it. I suspect that will be harder than normal if you have a husband at home, however.

MirandaWest Mon 22-Apr-13 16:32:24

No contact. Is the only way. Hurts but works

LoserNoMore Mon 22-Apr-13 16:43:47

Can I ask why you ended it? You didn't even mention your husband, I assume you're still with him. If you feel this strongly about OM it's really not fair on your husband. Does he know? So many questions...

PlaistowQueen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:50:10

Thanks - marriage not great, I'm lonely, H is a grumpy workaholic & bit controlling.

Ended affair out of fear of discovery and what feels, at the moment, like some stupid sense that I should at least maintain (ahem, regain) the moral high ground until I can work out whether to stay or go. I have young DC's.

I think what I'm struggling with partly is that in my (wholly unlikely) dream scenario is I amicably end my marriage and OM will be there waiting so we can start a life together....I think it's giving up that dream that is so hard - even though it is likely an utterly absurd dream especially given that OM married too. It was a lovely lovely fantasy though.

PlaistowQueen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:52:55

LoserNoMore - no my H is unaware of the affair. I don't see what good would come of telling him.

Dahlen - yes it's really hard being home with H now. I'm managing to hide tears and he's out a lot at the mo. but yes it's very hard.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 22-Apr-13 16:54:23

The first part of your dream is within your control. So is that what you want (regardless of OM)?

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:54:38

That's quite helpful to post I think. It immediately tells me that it's not the loss of this particular man that's causing you such pain, it;s the loss of your comfort blanket and hopes for the future. It might not feel like it now, but that's actually easier for you to get over.

OM has simply been a distraction. In some ways he has prevented you from achieving real happiness - either by improving your life and your marriage, or by leaving your H.

What do you think your H feels about your marriage?

In what ways is your H grumpy and controlling? Has he always been like this? When did it change?

LoserNoMore Mon 22-Apr-13 17:01:01

My advice is if you're not happy in your marriage, leave. Concentrate on being happy with yourself. You don't need a man in your life to be happy. You had 2 and look at the mess you're in. Do you really want to be with a man who cheats on his wife or a miserable grumpy workaholic?

littlesongbird Mon 22-Apr-13 17:01:30

Sorry, I don't have much by way of useful advice but I will be reading with interest, I ended an affair quite a few years ago and still am not over it in any real sense, I am starting to think maybe I never will be.

My fear like yours OP was that I'd never feel loved in the same way or have that connection with anyone else - and so far that has proved to be true.

jenny99 Mon 22-Apr-13 17:31:30

littlesongbird if you could turn back time would you do things differently?

(Sorry for the hijack!)

lunar1 Mon 22-Apr-13 17:40:00

You don't know the om, you know his exciting fun side. You don't know the side that ignores you to got to the pub with his mates every nights or the side that leaves rubbish and dirty clothes everywhere.

The only way to know him is to end you marriage and have a relationship with him with all the trappings if normal life.

You only want the idea of him and have no idea what the reality would be like. You need to seperate your ideals with om from the realities of your marriage

littlesongbird Mon 22-Apr-13 17:40:29

jenny yes, with hindsight, there are things I would have done differently, although I doubt they would have altered the eventual outcome. And whilst I regret the hurt that was caused, I don't regret that it happened, because it was by far the happiest time of my life.

jenny99 Mon 22-Apr-13 17:44:30

littlesongbird did you stay with your DH?

Squitten Mon 22-Apr-13 17:56:12

You are right that it's a fantasy. The whole affair is one long fantasy - you and the OM behaving like you are single agents with no responsibility. lunar is absolutely right that your actual life with him would be a hell of a lot different than what you've experience so far. And take off the rose-tinted specs. He's a cheating liar too - what makes you think you wouldn't end up being the wife stuck at home wondering who he's out with at night?

I think you need to leave the OM aside for the moment and decide what you want in your marriage. I'm assuming that since you obviously care so little for your DH that you had the affair in the first place, you don't want to be married to him any more? Are you planning to do anything about that?

littlesongbird Mon 22-Apr-13 18:31:52

jenny No I didn't, our relationship was already pretty much over long before I met OM, that then gave me the kick up the behind I needed to end it properly.

Jojoanna Mon 22-Apr-13 19:15:42

Im afraid it’s no contact. That is the only thing that works. Give it three weeks and see how you feel then.

Dont be tempted to start it up again however low and distressed you get

Hatpin Mon 22-Apr-13 19:20:17

Complete no contact with OM, and some individual counselling so you can offload your feelings a bit in a neutral environment and work out what you want to do about your marriage.

MrsBombastic Mon 22-Apr-13 19:27:19

I would look into the practicalities of ending your marriage as you are clearly very unhappy.

The fact that your kids are young is a good thing, if you leave now it will affect them less.

Time will make you feel better about OM but no contact or it will start up again and you WILL get caught.

I'm struggling too, no affair but I am struggling.

<offers hand to hold> sad

Charbon Mon 22-Apr-13 19:36:49

When lovers are married to other people, their relationship is even more divorced from reality than an affair with a single man or woman. It's incredibly easy too for an OM who's been dumped to affect sorrow and hurt, while privately feeling relief that he hasn't been the one who had to take the decision openly.

In practical terms, it will help to see this for what it was rather than applying a star-crossed lovers fantasy quality to an unreal relationship that would possibly never have flourished or survived if you'd been single and free to relate.

Then some simple things such as deleting all traces of him to remove temptation to get back in touch or rake over old wounds, new absorption in other preoccupying activities, some tough decisions about your marriage and how much your view of it has been tainted by the affair.

Then in slower time some self-analysis about your own life coping mechanisms and why you chose an affair first and with a married man second. Choosing to have an affair is a personal choice outwith any contributing factors such as a poor relationship. Choosing an affair with someone who is also hurting someone else adds another layer to those individual choices.

PearlyWhites Mon 22-Apr-13 20:11:39

Loser No more why would the op not want to be with a man who cheats on his wife? She cheated on her husband they deserve each other. That aside they both made marriage vows and should be asking for their spouses forgiveness and it wouldn't hurt to remember that life is not about our personal happiness above all else.

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