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Mid Life or Over?

(129 Posts)
KittyB01 Mon 22-Apr-13 12:03:25

My husband of 15 years has closed down over the last 8 months - we have had moments of happiness, have been intimate (although this stopped a month ago) have tried to keep talking, he just says he is evaluating his life and everything in it. We have 2 lovely children, a nice life, nothing too fancy.. just a nice life, with good friends and close family. We have always been a very sociable couple and he has tried to keep this going although it is getting harder and harder for me to be with him around friends as I miss the closeness we shared. I have felt the distance growing and now a couple of weeks ago he told me that he thinks he wants to move on, says he can start to see how it might be without me, starting over with somebody else (he has promised me there isnt anybody else and I do believe him). He says we both deserve happiness which of course we do, but I am devastated as I have tried to support him over the last 8 months by just being there and I feel he hasn't given our marraige a fair chance. When he told me, I suggested two options, either we talk seriously about what he's going to do and how we are going to split up, or I asked him to reconsider and just see if there was any possibility of second chances. He knows how much I love him, feels guilty at the pain he is causing. Despite these words, he is still here. He said he knows he needs to make the decision, but he is now talking to me about things we are doing in May and June, still kissing me goodbye albeit briefly in the morning, still giving me the odd cuddle in bed. I am so, so confused. Is this him trying to see if he can give it a chance still, or is it him trying to make me feel less sad by just being nice whilst he is here? I know you will say I have to talk to him, but I'm scared to push him and that talking further will just mean the end. For the sake of our relationship and our family, if this is just a MLC I am of course prepared to wait longer. If he is thinking about leaving still, then I know he needs to go and I need to be strong. Interested in what people think, perhaps people that have been there - thank you so much in advance x

mrsmciver Mon 06-May-13 16:14:48

Would a man leave their marriage then? Even if they had no one to go to? Would a connection to another woman have made them question themselves? Even if nothing came of that attraction? Would he still leave?

I find that really difficult to answer. Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same.

Charbon Mon 06-May-13 16:30:20

Absolutely not all men and women are the same as their gender socialisations prescribe.

And yes, lots of people think twice about their connection to a spouse once they meet someone else they are attracted to. It is however, in my experience rare for a man to leave or threaten to when there has only been an unconsumated attraction for someone else. I have however known men to leave marriages that were openly abusive and unhappy, without there being anyone else involved at all.

But not marriages like the OP's describing. Not at all. Nor have I ever encountered a man who was in a reasonably content relationship leave simply because he felt a mere spark or an attraction for someone else. Something more than that has always happened, although they might claim otherwise.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 06-May-13 17:29:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 06-May-13 20:19:04

He doesn't respect you at all, OP.

I hope the tide is turning for you emotionally, as you suggest, and you are realising how little he really thinks of you.

Take back some power. Honestly it's degrading for you to play along with happy families over the weekend when he has explicitly stated to you that another woman matters more than you and he won't be challenged about it.

I do understand it's fucking horrible and hard and you probably still can't really believe it, and you don't want to. Sympathies and strength to you, woman.

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