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I think I'm going to tell DH its over tomorrow morning

(81 Posts)
BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 03:06:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

schobe Mon 22-Apr-13 14:18:50

Yes and if he doesn't stop drinking ENTIRELY (provided this is agreed with doctors etc) during the separation, then your answer is right there. This needs to be crystal clear with him. Then no second chances if/when he drinks.

Sadly, he probably will pick up a drink but you never know.

toffeelolly Mon 22-Apr-13 14:20:23

Good luck.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 22-Apr-13 14:26:16

Good luck OP.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:35:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety Mon 22-Apr-13 14:43:24

Betsy, you need to go to the polizei and make a formal complaint.

You also need to change your username and remember to log out every time when you use MN.

He remembers everything and was together enough to read your thread.

This is a cunning and violent man you are dealing with. Your relationship is a game to him. He wants to win this game. Your welfare and the baby's welfare mean nothing to him. Please go and make that formal complaint while he is out.

mathanxiety Mon 22-Apr-13 15:01:24

Your unhappiness, your complaints to him, your fear, your threats to leave -- he thinks you are game playing too. As long as you say things like 'I am going to do X (leave with baby) until you do Y (go to AA and stay sober for 6 months)' he knows he still has you engaged and he will not stop playing his game. Don't make an ultimatum until you have your own fallback position in place. That way you can follow through and he will be left with the ball in his court.

Your detail about how you have sought to manage his abuse of alcohol (keeping him sleeping on the couch, etc) and manage the dangerous situation that occurs when he drinks tell me that you have already started to get into this above your head and have started to grasp at the illusion of control like a drowning person grasps a straw. I sense you are not at all ready to get off this merry go round yet but you need to start thinking seriously about it. By getting off the merry go round I mean taking steps to effect a separation and not just talking about it. Before that happens you need to acknowledge that you can't control him or his drinking. I don't think you're in denial about how serious all of this is, but I do think you have the false optimism that comes from thinking you can control this.

You can't control his drinking and I do not think you will get anywhere with telling him to go to AA. He is playing a game with alcohol here too and he thinks he is the master of it. He will not be willing to accept on any level that he has a problem, either with abuse of you or with abuse of alcohol. He may well go through the motions with you pushing him every inch and him getting the odd bit of fun from seeing how many times he can fall off the wagon before you finally kick him out. He is getting some sort of kick out of control and playing a high risk game.

You need to be deliberate about this and you need to plan methodically but fast. Ask the police about help and support that might be available to you and ask them about whether you can leave given there is domestic violence at play here. (That is why it is important to log the incidents and important for you to call if he comes home drunk and threatening).

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