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I think I'm going to tell DH its over tomorrow morning

(81 Posts)
BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 03:06:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime Mon 22-Apr-13 06:55:22

You could use Eurostar, they are notorious for not even checking passports properly!

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 22-Apr-13 06:59:38

So then she would just get arrested and deported back to Germany (??) when her husband filed against her with the police mummytime.

UK ppts (within the EU) are all now issued from the UK via Paris. The consulate where you live will be able to give you the forms but that is all.

NotTreadingGrapes Mon 22-Apr-13 07:00:43

OP- I would, however, get a UK passport for your baby, on the offchance your husband does turn psycho.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 07:09:56

Hi betsy sorry you are in this situation. You are bang on in your thinking and absolutely right to draw a line under this situation. One piece of advice from me - you obviously like and trust the in laws, but I would be very wary of telling them your intentions and plans. Please do not underestimate their potential to become protective of their son, especially regarding your plan to return to the UK. There is a very strong social and cultural acceptance of alciholism in Germany. I would hate for you to be pressurized to stay and accommodate minor adjustments to his behaviour. He is not someone that you or your DD should be around. You are already taking active steps not to escalate matters when he is drunk. He sounds horrendous and I believe the violence could escalte rapidly. Good luck x

TheHumancatapult Mon 22-Apr-13 07:10:39

just be aware if he did make things difficult and was forced to return he could actually be awarded temporary custody of dd idea stop you doing again ( my older boys are half italian and was all things had to look at ).

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 07:10:46

Yy to the UK passport!

WarmFuzzyFun Mon 22-Apr-13 07:33:16

Betsy, my advice is to do your research thoroughly, make sure you know the legal consequences/worst case scenarios of any actions you may take regarding leaving the country. Contact the equivalent of women's refuge and ensure your safety.

Tread carefully with what you say to IL's.

Best wishes

Oddsocksrus Mon 22-Apr-13 07:43:49

Leave, this happened to a close friend, she tried and tried to make it work for the sake of their son but the drinking and violence got worse and worse.
Their divorce is horrible and bitter, their son is damaged by years of a painful, anxious and violent atmosphere where he should have felt safest, with his parents.
Come home to your family, they will support you, it would be easier to get a job with their help with childcare and your friends network.

Find out about the border requirements, but in the short term find somewhere else to live to protect yourself and your daughter

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 08:12:55

Just caught up, all sounding v good and sensible.

Just wanted to pick up one point. Don't think he will change if he doesn't want to. In the UK he could easily find pub buddies.

Also, you know it's him, not the drink per se, that's the problem, though habit and addiction are problematic too. Most of us can drink too much now and then and just get a bit exuberant, giggly or sleepy, we don't get aggressive, because we aren't.

SilverSky Mon 22-Apr-13 08:15:58

Betsy, I'm pretty sure we know each other. smile Do your research, don't do anything rash without thinking anything through, by that I mean legal rights before hot footing back to the UK. Talk to your friend grin who is an hour away as she will give good advice and get you out of the house for a few hours.

You have not failed DD one bit. It is him who has failed as a husband, father and everything else in between. I credit you for lasting as long as you have. I too would be planning a life without him in your shoes.

FinallyMrsFC Mon 22-Apr-13 08:41:08

Yes yes, what silver says <minion>. You've done everything you can, you've worked and worked, but nothing has changed. You said earlier that you weren't sure you'd ever loved him, but that his love was enough. I married my first husband for that reason. It wasn't enough. sad

Yes, contact your friend who is an hour away. I have a feeling she'll be a massive help smile

Being a single parent is ok too you know? It's really is x

SilverSky Mon 22-Apr-13 08:55:42

<waves at FinallyMrsFC> grin

bleedingheart Mon 22-Apr-13 10:07:42

Please don't tell your in-laws what you have planned. You are, after all, moving their granddaughter away (for the right reasons), you would be surprised what parents will do for their grown sons and what they will tolerate. I strongly advise you against it. They have been supportive whilst you have stayed, this is different. Clear your Internet history too!

okiecokie Mon 22-Apr-13 10:23:19

Bets there is a heap of excellent advice here and I suspect you know deep down what you need to do and are looking for some added reassurance. No one yet has said stay and try (again) to make a go of it. If things did have the potential to improve you would think that with a tiny baby that would be the time to see improvements but alas that has not happened.

You mention the job you have got - could you move closer to this and afford some childcare? Actually, deep down where do you want to be? Do you want to take the job and stay in that country? Or do you want to come back to the UK? I think it is time to think of what YOU want for you and your DD - you would not be failing her by leaving what has become a very volatile situation.

Alfiepants Mon 22-Apr-13 10:28:24

Betsy such good advice here. Decide what you want. If you are happy your daughter will be happy. You ARE NOT failing her. You aren't responsible for this man, you are taking adult decisions to deal with it - he doesn't leave you much choice. Please try and find happiness in whatever you decide - you have friends in the UK and for now it might be easier to start again in a place where you have more people around you. <waves to Okiecokie and MrsFC> xx

maidmarian2012 Mon 22-Apr-13 10:36:38

You have not failed your daughter.

You sound like a wonderful, loving Mum.

Put YOURSELF first, he is a selfish immature alcoholic and I know what I'm talking about as my ex (who I have a DS with) was exactly the same, and similar age.

I left him last year, and I now live in peace and quiet.

Him jabbing you through the duvet and swearing and carrying on is unnacceptable.

I wish you the best, we are all here for you on MN thanks

Mumsyblouse Mon 22-Apr-13 11:21:27

If someone came into the room where my baby was, drunk, ranting and swearing, and started poking me (how physically aggressive has he been before) I would be out of there immediately. Just get out. He's frightening you and hurting you and even the presence of his newborn baby isn't stopping him.

I would look online to see what restrictions if any there are, then pack a bag and return to the UK. You are isolated with a tiny baby and an aggressive husband. If he stops drinking, moves to UK and behaves like a nice person, you can reconsider his role as a partner, but really you need to remove yourself before things escalate further.

Mumsyblouse Mon 22-Apr-13 11:28:28

But- of course, as everyone has said you do need to seek legal advice about how to leave if he doesn't consent.

I wouldn't go to your inlaws, they will tell him, you will be persuaded to stay (they will fear losing their grandchild) or it will turn very nasty with him.

If you can bide your time til May and then return with your parents, I would do that, then you can look into how you can stay here permanently with their help (e.g. if you needed to return to this country for court hearings, they could help).

Think short term and long term, short term get away from him in the next month, long term how you can secure residency here.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 12:46:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Mon 22-Apr-13 12:59:22

He's lying about not remembering. My husband used to claim not to remember. It's bollocks. As for he can change/we can work it out - also bollocks. If he wanted not to behave like this, he could. The tears/self pity/promises of reform are just part of the cycle. I'm not saying these men necessarily do it on purpose but the behaviour pattern is always the same - and then it happens again.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 13:05:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 14:01:25

So to be clear Betsy - same old same old from him, and there there dear you'll get over it from MIL. I think that tells you exactly where you stand. You cannot depend on PILs to help you. He will do this again and again. Please start to get your ducks in a row. Legal advice. Documents. Emergency cash. You have a medium term plan, make sure you have an emergency plan too. If nothing more, I would advise you have some space away from him to you can see things more clearly. Can you plan a month away when you are due to visit UK? You need some thinking space x

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits Mon 22-Apr-13 14:06:27

That sounds like a great plan. Be prepared for him to up the ante. Give yourself some space. You deserve better than this.

BetsyBoob Mon 22-Apr-13 14:09:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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