Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My DH is getting on my nerves(14 Posts)
Right. Every time I do something, no matter how good it is, DH finds the one error in it. And then tells me about it. For example, today he needed to do up some certs for a committee he is on. He is not great with stuff like that so I did it for him. If it was the other way around I would look at it, praise it and then mention any changes that could be made. But no, straight away he said "you forgot the full stop". Thats it, no thank you, no kiss my arse, nothing.
I painted a room recently and when he came home he looked at it and said "you should have done the other room first". I got £500 from an aunt as a gift at a time when we badly needed it and he said "Its a pity she didn't send £1000". He never says dinner was nice, its always "that chicken could be done a bit more" etc.
Now I am aware that I probably sound like a spoiled child but this happens every single time I do something. I am not looking for constant praise but a word of appreciation wouldn't go amiss occasionally. I don't think he is doing it out of badness, I think he looks at it as constructive criticism. But its not. Its just bloody criticism.
Thank you for allowing me to rant
Have you told him how it makes you feel?
The sort of people who feel permanently obligated to offer unasked for "constructive criticism" are usually twats, in my experience. Twats with low self-esteem themselves, so they try to validate themselves by pointing out other people's failings.
OMG i was going to start a thread almost identical to this, i feel like my DP is constantly critisizing anything i do or finding fault. Im fucking sick to the back teeth of it and we've had an argument about it today.
Hassled I hear you on the twats. I have told him nicely, and have told him not nicely. He does not get it. Its as if he completely forgets that I have already told him to keep his comments to himself. Vito I know exactly what you mean. I am sitting here now promising myself that I will never do anything to help him again.
His mother is the exact same. I baked a Christmas cake for the first time ever and was quite proud of it. The one and only thing she said was "if you had put paper round the top of it it wouldn't have burned". No well done, nothing. And there was about a half inch of burned bits on the top.
They don't know they are doing it. Or maybe they do the fuckers.
I'm with Hassled on this. It doesn't sound very nice to live with. Does he ever say anything positive?
purrpurr I am after trying to type several different lines to show the positive stuff but I am actually failing here. I don't think he has ever praised me for anything. And if theres a slight inkling that he thinks something I have done is good, I get excited, because the praise is that seldom if ever.
Jesus I sound pathetic.
But if he does something, we all have to stop what we are doing and worship in front of it. And talk about it for a couple of days.
Am sorry I started this now, everything I type is making me feel and him look worse.
Sometimes people need pointing out to them that a lot of what they say is negative, and can fall into habits of being a certain way. Telling then how it makes you feel can help-but they need to be open to hearing it and have the desire to improve their interactions.
It's the glass half empty approach to life as opposed to the glass half full.
If this falls on deaf ears and he makes zilch attempt to phrase things differently then it sounds like he really can't be bothered to improve communications between you. And then yes, sadly you must conclude that he is indeed a twat.
I think in a twisted sort of way it's attention seeking.
My ex was similar, he simply couldn't find it in him to give praise. I did a great Jong of cutting his hair once, but all he could say was that it was a square neck and he wasn't allowed, it had to be a round neck (army). He moaned all night.
So I refused to do it, ever. And I stuck by my guns.
So I would sharpen up my retorts:
Him:There's no full stop.
You: delete the file, rip up the copies and advise he does it himself to his own personal standard. And don't cave, even when the moodiness starts.
Him: would've been nice if Aunty so and so had given us a £1000
You: well,when your auntie gives us £500 we'll have the £1000 you'd be so happy about. But, they haven't.
I would refuse to cook for him if he commented on my food too.
And if you can, spend the £500 on yourself - a weekend away planning what you want from a relationship would be a start.
Goony, sometimes, rarely, shining a bright light on a relationship highlights what appear to be problems, but are really just normal run of the mill relationship foibles. In your case, maybe he's just a Victor Meldrew, maybe he thinks his feelings for you - positive, loving - are obvious and don't need to be stated out loud. Maybe he thinks that he's helping you, that it's a good thing, criticising things - he's just seeing things from a not-you perspective and thus suggesting different ways of approaching things...
Is there any chance this is true?
You don't sound pathetic one bit.
I couldn't bear this! Why would you only focus on the negative and make your other half feel crap?
Not sure what to suggest but just to say don't feel its a little thing, this is a rubbish way to be.
Thank you all for replying. Wally I am warming to that idea of yours. Unfortunately the £500 is long gone but the rest of it I can do. I am also going to wait until he creates some miracle that we all have to be grateful for and I am going go for the jugular and pick out the faults, just to give him a taste of his own medicine.
He does actually think he is "helping" by pointing out something he thinks I may not have seen, but he really is not.
Thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.
What Catballou said earlier.
My dh used to be a bit like this, particularly during times of stress.
I started pulling him up on it every, single time he made a critical, negative remark. Similar to the approach by Wally (not quite as strong though- like your style!)
After standing up to him a few times, and bluntly pointing out how critical he was, we had a huge talk about it. He said he actually had no idea what a twattish arse he'd become until it was pointed out to him. And that he was actually pretty embarrassed about his treatment of me.
It turns out his parents were incredibly critical of him and his brothers and also of other people and he saw himself developing the same traits.
Sadly, this critical behaviour was somewhat normal to him before I pointed out it's far from usual, and I would not be putting up with it.
Dh respects and loves me enough to want to make me happy, and stop things that make me unhappy, which is the way it should be.
We all do things that might upset other people, I know I can snap at dh or the dc when I'm tired or have raging pmt. But I make a huge effort not to- because I love them. Especially if its pointed out that I've upset someone.
Your dh is being an arse and you deserve a lot better.
My X was the same as were all his family. I used to love being with them, they were 'just' telling us all the time and don't they love it if something goes wrong and they can say 'I knew that would happen' trouble is I was told I had no sense of humour, had to learn or even I was sick and needed help for getting upset!! After long years of breakdowns I finally got out and can't believe that people appreciate me and what I do now!! They are all still miserable and have no joy in there lives. I think they are all so insecure it is their way of trying to keep control.x
Join the discussion
Please login first.