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I am thinking of sending a letter to my husband: what do you think?

(88 Posts)
BranchingOut Sun 21-Apr-13 14:16:56

Dear DH

There have been a number of times in the period since DS was born when you have said that you held doubts about our relationship and questioned whether you would rather be separated/divorced. The most recent was a few weeks ago, in the car returning from our visit to X TOWN, and again when we were talking in bed the following night.

So I have had plenty of opportunity to think about what the future might be like as a separated couple. I have had to accept that hurt and live with the fact that, although these statements seem to gradually get brushed under the carpet, we continue with our day to day existence knowing, both of us, that you are not fully committed to me and to our shared future. I also increasingly have had to accept that the feeling you don’t really want me, for my own sake as your wife or the woman you love. I can’t remember when you last paid me a compliment or said that I have done something well. I feel that you just tolerate me, put up with me as second best, something mediocre, because I ‘come with the package’ of the house, DS and being a family man. This comes from your body language, from what you say and how you speak to me, especially in front of DS.

Accepting this is painful and I have had to look elsewhere to retain my pride and sense of self-esteem: to my own rational mind, to the love of my son, the pleasure and fulfilment I get from work and study, to the colleagues who value my work and to the occasional contact with my sister or friends.

Likewise, I feel that another casualty of our present relationship situation has been the opportunity for me to show weakness. I try really hard to keep on top of everything: working, household stuff, studying, being a good and patient mother to DS. But sometimes I need your help. Last Tuesday evening was one such time, when I was feeling low and mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with DS. This morning was another - I didn’t want to ‘make you the bad guy’ and I am sorry if I gave that impression, I just wanted practical help in getting home safely with the bags, scooter and a heavy three-year-old who had been trying to run away. But you seem to resent me having needed your help in these parenting situations, on Tuesday in particular. I would love to return to the feeling of give-and-take, that I can help you out when you need it, without recriminations, and that you would do the same for me.

The option that you have alluded to several times is to go our separate ways. Yet I do want to remain married. You know me better than any living person. I still love you and also hold you in high regard as father to DS. I don’t want him to grow up in a separated family, without the advantages that we could give him if we remain together.

Likewise, I don’t want you to be unhappy. I am sorry that you are unhappy. Why would I want you to be anything other than happy?

I want to be with you and I am prepared to ride-out a time of difficultly. I have often said that this phase of parenting is known to be hard work, for all couples. But I feel that we, together, need to make positive changes and a fresh commitment to our marriage.

Some ideas of what this might mean in practical terms:

Committing to an evening together, in the diary every week
Committing to a night away together, every six weeks.
A series of counselling sessions
Attending a parenting course together
Using a relationship textbook or workbook to bring a new perspective

I am sure that neither of us wants to live in this situation of uncertainty indefinitely and if necessary, I think we should agree a point in time when we review the situation and decide if we want to move forward together or make alternative plans.

With love, as always,

wordyBird Tue 23-Apr-13 17:49:18

Very glad to hear you've had a helpful chat with a solicitor. Taking a practical step forward can a big help in clearing your mind ( and thus considering your options).

And yes - agree with previous posters to move your inherited money ASAP!

Dozer Tue 23-Apr-13 17:54:05

Oh, that one was your H! I remember your thread.

As well as olgaga's links, the EA thread might be helpful.

Kundry Tue 23-Apr-13 20:48:37

Oh I remember your other thread - he is an arse.

Please make sure you take your £90K with you when you leave him.

olgaga Tue 23-Apr-13 20:58:04

FFS you have an inheritance? Please please please do not under any circumstances use it in any way towards any joint asset ie paying off mortgage or anything like that.

Please put it in an account in your name separate from all other finance.


lemonstartree Wed 24-Apr-13 09:52:29

You sound like a lovely thoughtful intelligent woman, and I agree your husband sounds like an entitled cock. Who the FUCK does he think he is musing about whether he wants to stay with you long term ? He should be on his bloody knees grateful you are prepared to forgive him for his abusive crap in the past.

I'm glad you have sought advice. There is literally nothing more soul destroying than loving a man who does not love you and my advice would be to call him on it and walk away. If he wakes up and realizes how bloody lucky he is, and what a wonderful wife he has, then he can try and win you back. If not, you can find a man who is worth you....

good luck


Lovingfreedom Wed 24-Apr-13 10:58:32

I've been in a position re inheritance. Because I put it towards the mortgage/paying off debts etc it was seen as part of matrimonial assets. My solicitor managed to negotiate a 'special circumstance' which gave me some of it back, but not a lot! I'd say, put the exact sum you inherited into a separate account in your own name.

SugarPasteGreyhound Wed 24-Apr-13 19:18:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BranchingOut Thu 25-Apr-13 15:40:19

I am not going to move the money, as that would be an outright declaration of war in his eyes and I dont want to do anything just yet. However, the solicitor did think that it might be possible to ring fence it.

I will let the thread dwindle away for now, but I am very glad to have posted and really appreciate all the help. I now feel that little bit of confidence inside me after having gone to the solicitor - that no, it doesn't have to be this way and that, yes, if needed, I could choose to live differently.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 25-Apr-13 18:00:55

Your decision. But if it's in the joint account there's nothing to stop him taking it.

wordyBird Thu 25-Apr-13 18:54:46

A declaration of war if you move your own money sad ... but yes, it is for you to decide. The last thing any of us wants to do is attempt to control your decisions ourselves, thus adding to the burden.

Wishing you good luck Branching. Don't settle for too little.....and we will be here if/ when you want us. brew

olgaga Thu 25-Apr-13 19:29:31

It's not a declaration of war if you find a really good interest bearing account to put it in!

Take a look here.

Yes you can ring fence it if it is quite recent and all other needs are met. But it's a lot easier if it's in an account in your name, separate from any joint accounts.

It also stops him accessing it.

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:18:39

What is worse? You taking your inheritance or him romancing someone else?

HansieMom Thu 25-Apr-13 20:25:08

I am sorry, I was mixing up my threads. But I still think you should take out your money.

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