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It's not me, is it?

(10 Posts)
3stars Sun 21-Apr-13 09:22:04

Hello again,I have posted a number of times recently as I have so much going on and I don't always have someone to talk it through with in person, this is so helpful to mesmile
I am at a position now where I need to make a call to solicitor to tell her to send h letter advising him I want a divorcesad she is waiting for my call, I am finding it hard to actually do it although its quite clear nothing is going to change and make me change my mindsad I have been unhappy for a number of years and these last few months have come to the conclusion I can't do this anymoresad in the last week I have tried twice to tell my h how upset I am, don't know I want to give him another chance(he says I should because of length of time we together and for the sake of the children) I no longer care, such a hard thing for me to understand but I seem to leave run out and he appeared upset last week when I was talking to him but I was not, I have been upset, I have cried, I have got angry, slammed doors etc, now I have nothing left and its a horrible feelingsad What I am finding hard now is the way he can just move on and behave as if we are ok, when clearly we are not, he make a joke that I don't want to give him a kiss goodbye,he thinks its funny when I move away from him, he carries on as if nothing has happened or been said, this causes me to doubt everything including myself and wonder if its me? I feel like I am going round the bend to feel like I do then I see him carrying on as normalsad he has made no effort whatsoever to change anything or do anything differently or even try to discuss how we could move on. Is this a man thing? Is he hoping it will just go away and I will move on as I have done before? Sorry, hope it makes sense, I have tried to be brief, thanks for reading

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 09:45:17

It sounds like you're in very different places emotionally. You're at the end of your tether, upset, frustrated etc and, whatever it is that's gone wrong, it's clearly very important to you. He seems to think it's all something and nothing and it'll blow over if he ignores it. He isn't taking you seriously. It's not a 'man thing', it's just a 'people who would rather not deal with problems' thing.

I don't know the background but, if someone doesn't think they have a problem and if they don't think there are serious consequences to their actions, they are unlikely to change. Does he know you actually want a divorce? Has that been clearly spelled out?

And do you really want a divorce, a fresh start? Are you trying to shock him into action? Or at some level are you hoping a magic wand will get waved and he'll become this other person and you won't have to go through with it.. hence the hesitation?

3stars Sun 21-Apr-13 10:05:30

I think am still hoping for the 'magic wand' as you put it, I doubt all my feelings as he turns it all round to blame me for everything, all I said became my fault, I think this is my fear, being blamed for everything and I begin to think it is me-hope that makes sense? But this not caring feeling is very strange to me which is why I know I have to do something, can't carry on and it's quite clear things are not going to changesad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 10:09:54

The 'not caring feeling'.... you mean him not caring or you not caring?

scaevola Sun 21-Apr-13 10:20:34

You can abandon divorce proceedings, if the shock of them taking place does bring about the changes you want. And if it doesn't, then you're part way down the path you need to take.

wordyBird Sun 21-Apr-13 10:34:22

Indeed, it's not a man thing: it's denial that there is a problem, and a complete dismissal of your feelings. That is controlling, and extremely disrespectful.

He wants to pretend everything is OK, so you will go back to how you were before and nothing changes. Then, presumably, he will be happy and you'll be miserable again (don't know the back story).

You might be blamed for everything 3stars, but that doesn't mean you are to blame. It only means someone - your H for example - refuses to face the truth. You don't have to stay in an unhappy situation because someone might think badly of you.

3stars Sun 21-Apr-13 10:37:42

Me not caring, I don't anymore and it's a horrible feeling,I can hardly be bothered to talk to him and he can't understand just keeps accusing me of mental cruelty cause I only give yes&no answerssad sounds ridiculous and it's all gone on for a long time,I just feel I can't do it anymore and his behaviour to be as if all ok is very confusingsad thank you for reading

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 10:52:11

Both the good and the bad news is that sending a solicitor's letter doesn't just make a divorce happen. Bad news because if you do want a divorce it's only the first tiny step along quite a long road. Good news because sending the letter has not committed you to anything; you can stop the process any time you choose.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 10:57:57

It may be a horrible feeling but it's fully understandable & normal if the relationship is over. You don't care about him because you don't care about him. You've detached emotionally and that's in preparation for detaching legally. Not cruel, just a fact of life. If you were a tenant given notice to quit by a landlord, you wouldn't be thinking about repainting the bathroom....

Good luck sending the letter. You'll feel better once things are moving forward again rather than this impasse situation.

3stars Sun 21-Apr-13 16:20:53

Thank, you for your replies. I am tired of trying and accepting things I don't feel are right. His ability to seemingly dismiss my feelings and just carry on is very hurtful, I feel he is not listening. He has already said he uses the computer as a distraction so he does not have to confront or talk to me -made matters even worsesad thank yousmile

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