Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

flogging a dead horse

(6 Posts)
sleepingischeating Sat 20-Apr-13 22:54:54

Hello, i've been with dh for over 12 years. we haven't had sex now for over 1.5 years and before then it was about 5/year (it wasn't like that in the beginning at all but changed after the 3 -5 years). we moved overseas and it has put a massive strain on our relationship plus our 2nd dc is great but 'challenging' (didn't sleep for 2 years). TBH i am not sure things can be saved; dh seems completely disinterested in me. If i try to talk to him he looks bored,if i ask his opinion about an outfit/how I look he says "i have no opinion", if i try to embrace him he stiffens (at best) or moves away. He refuses to/can't express how he feels about the situation, other than to say that our marriage is in trouble but won't/can't say what he wants/needs from the marriage. To be honest i feel like an absolute fool and now i'm beginning to feel angry rather than sad. I arranged counselling a few months ago but seemed to go more than him and have now left the ball in his court (but he doesn't seem to have moved things along). i would like to move back to the Uk (great timing) but he's not keen (not from the UK, not a fan of London). All the differences between us which seemed endearing all those years ago are now a pain. Sorry this is long and unfocused; i would love to hear from anyone who has been in the same position (and of course i have my failings too). Thanks for reading the essay.

springyhappychick Sun 21-Apr-13 00:39:34

Not an essay at all! Very well put imo.

You poor thing, that sounds like an extremely painful place to be. He sounds very cruel. If he doesn't want a future in the marriage, then at least engage with you and respectfully discuss it with you - or tell you he doesn't want to be married any more.

He could be depressed, I suppose. it wouldn't be an excuse but it could be a reason for his coldness towards you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 12:02:29

I think you've reached the point where you have to stop putting your life on hold, waiting to find out what he wants and instead get back in the driving seat of your own life. If you want to end it, end it. If you can legally move back to the UK (DCs complicate that one) then move back. Do something and you'll feel like the author of your own destiny. Do nothing and I think you'll end up even more depressed.

Jux Sun 21-Apr-13 13:36:05

You need to stop wondering what he wants, and think about what you want. It is pretty clear that neither of you actually want this marriage, sorry, it's sad I know.

Do you want to invest more time and effort and energy into this? It seems that you are not getting anything in return for your efforts so far.

If you can come back to the UK, then do so. Build a life for yourself and your children in a place you can be happy. Don't worry about him, he is quite capable of looking after himself, isn't he? If he wants to make an effort then maybe your leaving him will push him into action, who knows?

sleepingischeating Wed 24-Apr-13 21:14:10

Thanks for the responses and apologies for the delayed response (away from my computer). Yup I need to take charge of my destiny one way or another and stop living in limbo..i don't know if my h is depressed, he is pretty stressed one way or another. we did have a great w/e away at the start of the year (no sex obviously! but actually had fun and laughed a lot, we may even have hugged at one point briefly..) and there are glimmers of hope but either way it's time to take some decisive action. so thank you for the (kindly) kicks up the b/side.

sleepingischeating Wed 24-Apr-13 21:15:49

ps way too many "ways and anothers..".

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now