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sorry, but clueless: do gay men find women sexually repellent or just not very exciting?

(76 Posts)
allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:23:19

I read quite a few threads on MN where someone's husband unexpectedly announced he was gay - so obviously the wife thought sex was ok previously! is that the case with many gays, that they can have sex with women, but it's just not very exciting for them? or are the majority repelled by women, and those who switched are really bisexual? I find this all very confusing, and hard to get my head around gay men's sexuality. Sorry if this sounds really stupid.
This is following my friend having a crush on a gay man which was my previous thread (and she had her owm thread in aibu). She still thinks there is a real connection with him, but feels she can't dare to be honest with him, and is upset.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 21:52:22

I should add that maybe logic is not the way to understand these things!

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 21:51:42

I get that, The Doc, about the range of personalities or figure types that can be attractive, but purely logically it doesn't make sense that a gay man would like a very effeminate guy (not just camp but really feminine looking/dressing and sounding, bar the differences in body) yet the same guy couldn't be attracted to a woman of similar type - slim, feline, graceful. In these cases it logically seems to come down to lack of a penis in women. Of course this is only one type of gays, others are attracted to masculine men. Maybe it's similar to hetero women who can't reach orgasm/satisfaction without the intercourse, so would not want to sleep with a woman. All I wondered was, is it mainly penis-centric, and women are seen as lacking and therefore 'meh', rather than repellent (for most gays).

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 23-Apr-13 20:52:17

OP, thanks for apologising smile

Your language seems to be generalising about gay men in a way that I don't think you would about heterosexual women. Eg that attraction to the graceful male you mentioned must be "all about the penis" - some women like skinny men and some like stocky men, but that's not all about the penis. Similarly, gay men are attracted on an individual basis to different personalities, body types, wealth, power, humour etc etc - whatever range of characteristics women like in a man, so do gay men.

Do you see what I mean?

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 20:01:02

SilverOldie, yes, looks that way, as I said in last post, and you are right about not telling, I think she only should do if he goes for contact and social friendship of some kind, not if he ignores, even trhough he is always nice to her when he sees her.
TheDoctrine, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone and did apologise to start with for being clueless, but I don't have anything at all against gays, and would love a gay friend myself. It's a sensitive sunject so if I wasn't sensitive enough, it wasn't deliberate. The penis comment was obviously jocular/light-hearted, if that's what you meant. Maybe I should read some books about the nature of being gay - I'm interested in biology/hormonal makeup of it.

SilverOldie Tue 23-Apr-13 17:18:24

I have had some really good male friends who were gay. Although we had feelings for each other as friends there wasn't a chance in hell of me having sex with any of them or vice versa.

Your friend needs to move on and find someone new to moon over because I don't see anything happening with the gay guy who has had the opportunity to get in touch or instigate something but hasn't. I don't think she should tell him how she feels either.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Tue 23-Apr-13 14:11:06

Allaflutter, there's quite a lot of language in your post that makes me uncomfortable, so I'm out.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:39:26

'muse on some', sorry for lots of errors, typing in a rush as computer turned off half way through post angry just before.

allaflutter Tue 23-Apr-13 12:36:06

Just want to muse some more on latest posts. No news, as the gay guy hasn't contacted the friend for a week, even though she gave him a pretext to contact (some work-related stuff) and he now has her details. So it looks to me, that he is oblivious and cold as you say, Don, beyond being friendly, or he did notice her attarction and activel doesn't want to encourage it, probably the latter.

Don, I see, but what about straight people who never have dc, especially if by choice? I s'pose they are still potentially breeders (still a yukky term!) -so still called that.

Interesting about your brother, some gays don't like women at all, some like them as friends, to me makes sense (the latter) as there must be some psychological resemblence between gays and women, it's some kind of gene they are sharing (or brain make-up) that defines their attarctions. The women haters can be hetero men, possibly more than gays, who knows.

But Wally was saying that for her friend it's cerebral connection, so he used to be with women before - so what I'm interested in, is for MOST gays, is it all about the Mighty Penis, or it's the male behaviour characteristics and visuals that excite them? I still think that tomboyish women are more of a possible choice for gays then very feminine, and I mean not just in looks but general behaviour.
But still confusing, as I know one (mature) gay who is literally like a woman in everything but body parts - dressed in blouses, subtle eyeliner, slender/graceful, all the mannerisms of a woman, and the voice soft etc, and still of course attracts gays, so in this case everything does come down to having penis.

*Mimi', by sexually repelled I mean ability to actually have sex, not finding someone sexy to look at, very different!
Hmm Wally, I did think that the one who used to be with women was likely to be different in some way.

Lucylloyd13 Tue 23-Apr-13 08:15:25

I think that all humans have the potential to enjoy emotional and sexual relationships with those of their own gender. For many reasons, a prederence, stronger, or weaker, emerges. That does not mean that the potential to be attracted to someone not in your usual preference cannot exist.

I don't think that gay men overtly find women sexually repellent, just not of their preference. The degree to which individuals sexually excite varies anyway.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 22-Apr-13 06:41:49

I haven't seen the other threads but Can't she approach it along the lines of, "oh, do you know anyone just like you who might be interested in me, as you are so cool/witty/whatever but as I'm a woman..."

Respects his sexuality but indicates her interest. If he says, "err, me?" then great, if he says, "let me think - oh, Cedric!" then maybe she can get a date with Cedric!

You won't get a consensus because each person is individual.

Mimishimi Mon 22-Apr-13 00:54:43

I don't know. I'm straight but I wouldn't say I feel "sexually repelled" by women. I can see a woman and think she looks very sexy without having any physical desire for her. It's possibly similar for those who are gay, they can think someone of the opposite sex is 'sexy' without feeling any physical desire themselves because they are more attracted by sexy people of their own sex.

WallyBantersYoniBox Mon 22-Apr-13 00:05:01

No neither of them are macho. There isn't an expected level of femininity from one v the other either. They laugh at themselves being "camp" but that tends to be because they will for example pay someone extortionate amounts to come in and put up a curtain rail.

However the partner who has never had a female experience has had a very cultured upper class privileged lifestyle so he would be quite likely to call in a "man that does" regardless of his sexuality and "campness"

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 23:15:26

I should add, he had a (woman) friend declare her undying love to him before he came out. Which was awkward. Because he had to reject her without even the benefit of the 'excuse' that he was gay.

I don't think any women have done that since coming out - there would be no point since he is resolutely not interested and I think that very much comes across!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 23:12:13

'Breeders' is applied to men and women; it basically means 'straight'. smile

It's not a lovely term, but it isn't necessarily meant in a nasty way. My old boss who was gay (and an absolute sweetheart) used it sometimes. And yes, usually about the crowd in a bar or restaurant!

My brother didn't come out until he was about 31 or 32 (although we knew years before that). There were a few things he said or the way he reacted to women's sexuality (in a shuddering kind of way; not repelled per se
but just like it left him utterly cold).

He's not camp, but I would say he was pretty far down the end of the spectrum and not interested in women sexually at all. However, before he came out and started socialising with other gay men, all his friends bar none were women - he loves women, just not sexually. I guess it's easy in this sense for women to fall for gay men because they're so themselves around people (who don't judge them) and it's so easy for that bond and connection to be forged. It's just that it's almost always completely a one-way street.

Every single case is unique. smile

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 22:45:39

Thanks, Wally, lots of interesting info. I wonder if the couple you described first are those 'opposites' i.e. one macho the other more effeminate (or just gentle both visually and in his attitude), that would make sense in a way as to why the second one is more open to bisexuality - he's nearer to a woman's type which means more open/flexible.

This guy is not macho, but it seems that he fancies all sorts, on the one hand male dancers (he mentioned), and on the other once complimented a really stocky and to me unpleasantly heavy-handed rigid sort of man. He is strangely in the middle, not camp in obvious way.

Do your friends ever get approached by (nice) women (not in drunken bar!), and are they ok with it? any tips whether best to be direct or to hint?
'breeders' is a ghastly term! they shouldn't do it in earshot of women.

WallyBantersYoniBox Sun 21-Apr-13 21:59:25

My DS has gay Godfathers.

One of the couple knew he was gay as soon as he became aware of his sexuality. A real life vagina would make him faint. He has never kissed or felt a woman.

The other half of the partnership had "straight" relationships when he experimented at school and Uni. For him it's definitely the cerebral connection. For the other it's the masculinity.

I could have sex with a woman tomorrow, but I wouldn't want a relationship with a woman, it just doesn't do it for me.

I can sympathise with the knockers thing. I would get unashamed requests from half naked hard bodies to feel my boobs in G.A.Y on a Friday evening work night out. Some even asked for a snog. It was just the frisson of heightened sexuality, a spontaneous thing.

I've also heard conversations between two gay men that a pub was too full of "breeders" to enjoy. so it's a wide spectrum.

I have extremely close relationships with a few gay men. They guys I know and love don't judge your sexuality, wants or desires, they give honest feedback and all the barriers are dropped. Unlike straight men there are very few topics that are taboo. They take pride in their looks and personal care. It's very easy to fall for someone with that level of openness and honesty. It's easier to talk to them than it is to y husband sometimes.

P.S. my husband also feels the same. grin

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 20:35:44

D smile

I do hope that woman didn't succeed in making him marry.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 19:17:23

And her wish for grandchildren is more important than her son's own happiness. Some people's self-centredness knows no bounds.

Fair enough, allaflutter. smile

killerrobot Sun 21-Apr-13 18:09:15

In fact a family member put outrageous amounts of pressure on her son to get married, after he came out.

Ugh. So her wish for a dil/gc is more important than some other woman's dd not ending up married to some gay guy...hmm

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 17:44:02

Ha, Annie, I'm the same (the first part of sentence!grin), even don't think I'd go for full-on sex with any woman, could be only tactile with hugs, and kissing, if I find her my type visually.
See that's why I thought gay - not bi - men wouldn't go for full penetrative sex either, just going by my own attitude. But now can see it's a greyish area. Otoh there is such thing as the soul-love, then it's different maybe, but it's rare to find.
still wondering what happened with gin and the guy after that kiss?

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 14:20:49

I'd define myself as terminally straight and really boringly vanilla to boot, but if Halle Berry and Jessica Alba invited me to make a threesome I would have to give it some serious thought.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 13:30:38

hi Don, well nothing is happening in my personal life currently (apart from my thread where a married man was being interested in mehmm), so yes, I'm absorbed enough in my friend's more exciting situation. I've known this guy for a few years, he never seemed to be in an official relationship, while she has known him for few months, and is moaning to me very often 'cause I'm the one way she can see him at all. I do get involved like that, but even if it were actually me, then surely no point talking about, why not be tactful. It doesn't even matter much, the subject is interesting IMO.

I think she's just given him contact details, so should wait a bit, then possibly speak out, she's ballsy enough with hetero men.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 21-Apr-13 06:47:10

Gosh OP, between this thread and your other one, you really are inordinately interested in your 'friend' and 'her' gay crush. wink

As lots of others have said, sexuality is a spectrum, and we're all on it somewhere.

I define myself as straight and have never had a sexual encounter with a woman, but likewise, I would not put myself at the end of the 'straight' spectrum at all.

I would suspect that barely anyone fits neatly into one pigeonhole. But no matter where on the spectrum you are - what you identify with and define yourself to society as is pretty immovable.

I would suggest that if you're your friend is the ballsy type, then by all means proposition the gentleman and see what comes of it; but if not, then it's probably time to move on and try to find a way of getting over it.

allaflutter Sun 21-Apr-13 00:56:36

yes, true, but not always tell someone quickly, some take a bit of time. I don't tell people straight away, for one.

But I agree that he could have tried to arrange to meet somehow if he wanted to, even under some social pretence to start with. He hasn't. She's now given him her contact details, so if there is no response, that's quite hopeless. She could of course just ask him herself, so that she can move on, I will relate the advice that there is nothing to lose either.

TheCrackFox Sun 21-Apr-13 00:45:59

Unless he is 13 most people have no problem whatsoever in telling someone that they fancy them.

Your friend is wasting her time.

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