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sorry, but clueless: do gay men find women sexually repellent or just not very exciting?

(76 Posts)
allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:23:19

I read quite a few threads on MN where someone's husband unexpectedly announced he was gay - so obviously the wife thought sex was ok previously! is that the case with many gays, that they can have sex with women, but it's just not very exciting for them? or are the majority repelled by women, and those who switched are really bisexual? I find this all very confusing, and hard to get my head around gay men's sexuality. Sorry if this sounds really stupid.
This is following my friend having a crush on a gay man which was my previous thread (and she had her owm thread in aibu). She still thinks there is a real connection with him, but feels she can't dare to be honest with him, and is upset.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:47:29

but honestly, Loving, how do you know? I'm sure if he does fancy her he's mortified himself.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 22:48:27

"I always thought that for anyone to identify as gay openly and socially, it means not wanting sex with opposite sex at all. otherwise why not call themselves bi?"

Not true of me or many of the gay women I know. There are many positive reasons for taking the label of lesbian; you don't have to be 100%-always-excluding-any-possibility-of-having-a-little-crush-on-George-Clooney, any more than heterosexual women who have the occasional girl crush should start calling themselves bi.

People are endlessly variable and individual, you know. Nobody can explain to you how all gay people feel about anything.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:48:38

I suppose the old adage is true that if a man fancies someone, he can't be silent for too long. is that what you mean, that he'd let her know clearly?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:49:02

For the reason ginhag he's gay

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:51:22

Devora, I see your point, but I'm not talking about fantasies like girl crushes for hetero women or you and George, but if it came to sleeping with a real man who was interested, would you forgo your usual ID, and of so, would it take you a long time to think before jumping? (if you wre single)

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 22:53:54

Sometimes people who are generally straight or gay make an exception...or sometimes people change what they claim as their primary sexuality. There can be a stigma around bisexuality in both straight and gay circles - to greater or lesser extent - so maybe less people identify as being bisexual than actually are?

But really, if a guy is obviously and openly gay, it's unlikely he fancies your female friend to the extent of wanting a relationship with her.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:57:08

Minty, so you think she should tell him? she's going on about mental/emotional connection she feels.

Yes, ok, not all attraction from women is reciprocated, but I'd say very strong attraction IME usually is, though it can be unequal in intensity. I mean usual situations, with no big age gaps or when he's a hollywood star grin. She's attractive btw, but not overly feminine. She thinks because she hasn't got a big bust/hips, she has more of a chance with him, in the light that they get on well as people.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 22:59:48

Loving, interesting about stigma of being bi, I didn't think of that, from hetero point of view bi is safer/easier to understand, but then from gay point of view, suspicious maybe.

ovenchips Sat 20-Apr-13 23:00:11

When younger and single I had an intense friendship with someone at my work who was a young gay man. In many ways it was a love affair without the sex (and really no desire to on either side). A real meeting of minds which was a spark between us not unlike a sort of magnetic attraction.

We used to write each other long letters when either was ever away and when I reread them more recently you would deffo think they were an old boyfriend's. It's the intimacy, I guess.

So I guess you really can have a 'magnetic' and exciting friendship such as your friend's sounds without the mutual sexual desire.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 23:06:00

Yes, I do sometimes fancy men; yes, if I was single I might sleep with a man. That doesn't make me bisexual.

I think if you've come out at some stage in your life, it may be less of a leap to consider dawn raids across the border occasionally. Not a big deal.

LemonPeculiarJones Sat 20-Apr-13 23:06:52

There is really no one answer OP. Some straight people occasionally fancy/sleep with the same sex. Vice versa for gay people. We're all complex.

Anything can happen between people but it's best to be honest and clear-sighted about likelihood. Someone identified as gay is most likely not going to want to have sex with the opposite sex.

It does sound as if your friend has a massive crush and is completely projecting her emotions onto her gay friend. Yes, you can be hugely attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way. It's probably her delusion and the only way she can be sure is to ask him if he is bi or would ever consider a relationship with a woman. And then to listen to and accept his answer.

You will do her no favours by fueling this crush of hers unless she is prepared to ask him, before she drives herself further into the crazy.

Devora Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:07

But men are generally less flexible on this issue than women are. I don't know many gay men who have had slept with women after coming out. I know plenty of gay women who have dabbled.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:37

thanks for all who replied, difficult to respond to each point.

So is the consensus that what she feels is one sided, and she shouldn't let him know, or that she should because (as many here said) there aren't that many 100% gay people?
Or should she leave it to him to make any moves?

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:07:49

Last time I had a drunken night out with gay friends (and my 'heterosexual' partner) the gay guys spent half the night feeling up my knockers. confused Admittedly they (ie knockers) are not huge...but once I let them cop a feel there was no stopping them! grin They are still both gay though...and erm I didn't manage to convert either of them. A good time was had by all wink.

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:09:21

Devora - exactly. But so many posters are saying that there could always be exceptions, what if she is one. The point is, is it more respectful to leave ot to him to decide, or would he be too scared to nmake a move thinking that he's known as a gay? that's really the question.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:11:05

If she's like a dog with a bone with this she might as well ask him. I'd be surprised if he was interested but...what is the worst that can happen?

HotCrossPun Sat 20-Apr-13 23:14:47

I think that sexuality is generally quite fluid.

I'm straight and most people I have crushes on are male.

I would so turn for Alex Polizzi

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:27:01

Loving grin so they liked your modest knockers! novelty I suppose! maybe you'd convert one if he was single.

Devora, so you don't id as bi, it interests me then, is your feeling much more intense for women and that makes you id as gay, or it's the quantity thing, so you fancy a lot of women (potentially) but onle a few men. And also - does this mean that you could only dabble but not have a r-ship with a man, that makes you say you are def not bi.

I now think she shouldn't be too scared to ask, as before I was saying that it's really best to leave it to him, as I personally thought that gay men can be too put-off by women and would cringe, but sounds like it's not the case from this thread.
I'm generally all for leaving the first step to a man, but in this case, maybe gay people are not so brave with opp sex person who they like.

Lovingfreedom Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:34

I think most people are flattered if someone fancies them. The guy is not going to be repulsed, if that's what you're worried about. But she needs to realise its unlikely that a gay guy will fancy her or want a relationship with her. If she asks the question and he says 'no sorry I'm gay' at least she'll know and they can get on with being friends.

auntmargaret Sat 20-Apr-13 23:32:56

Who cares? They're gay. Move on

allaflutter Sat 20-Apr-13 23:38:06

that's the point, she worries that he may be repulsed and then wouldn't even want friendship, but also worried that if he DID fancy her he may not be brave enough to approach as he's known by that social group as gay, and the news may spread etc..awkward! so in that case she should make first step probably.

Darkesteyes Sat 20-Apr-13 23:47:59

I once heard John Barrowman say on tv that although hes gay he loves boobs.

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 23:48:49

Once you start thinking things like 'well, i stand a chance with this gay man because I'm not too busty' I think your (or your friends) obession may have gone too far!

Mumsyblouse Sat 20-Apr-13 23:50:23

Perhaps she should read 'He's just not that into you', it's an awful book (writing wise) but the message holds.

TheCrackFox Sun 21-Apr-13 00:07:02

I would imagine that if he did fancy her he would make a point of letting her know because their whole social group know him to be gay.

He clearly sees her as a friend.

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