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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Toxic sibling i can't escape from

25 replies

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 16:48

So much to say on this topic that its hard to know where to begin. I need to get away from my sister but no matter how many different ways i do it there's so much pressure from my mum usually, to be at these ridiculous family get togethers etc., so i can never get away without becoming the villain. I'm somewhat used to this role but really all i want is a peaceful happy life for my family. Can anyone offer me some ideas??

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MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 16:51

Sorry if all this sounds confused i'm just so lost right now.

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Loulybelle · 20/04/2013 17:05

What about a peaceful happy life for you, stop being a people pleaser, and please yourself. Your the villain in their minds, so become it.

raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:10

The word is No. I know people bang on about its not that easy but the reality is, if its that bad it is - just the decision to do it is difficult . As Louly says your already in the wrong. The sense of freedom and relief afterwards is worth it - I promise you.
If your mother doesn't respect your feelings enough to understand, even if she doesn't agree, then not sure what you are getting out of the relationship. You may even find total refusal to engage will show your Mum just how strong your feelings are.

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:14

Believe me i'm no people pleaser and it is a peaceful happy life for me that i want. Somewhere along the lines I've got roped into this big get together tomorrow and whilst i do want to go and be a part of it, I don't want to see this sister. I think part of the problem is with my mum. She can't accept that I want nothing to do with the sister and even though i've told her over and over again, she always tells me her news, she always arranges these get togethers, she always has her around when my kids are staying over. So it seems that I either cut my mum off too or just live with this continual pressure. But i have to say, the pressure is just becoming too much.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2013 17:16

Assuming you'd like to, go to some of the family get togethers and either ignore or stand up to the sister. When you're up against a difficult person it's so important not to alter your behaviour just because of their actions. Rather like terrorists... you have to keep using the Tube or they win. By carrying on regardless you'll have the moral high ground and your sister will look like a screaming banshee by comparison.

raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:18

As I said, if your mother does not respect your feelings on this and you have expressed them strongly and repeatedly its a real deal breaker for me. Also every time you do go, when you have said you don't want to, you are just reinforcing the fact that YOU are a people pleaser and will do as you are told or that you feelings are worth respecting . I honestly think if other wise you have an ok relationship with your Mum then a few good No's will show her how you feel. If you have a crap relationship - whats to lose?

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:19

If your mother doesn't respect your feelings enough to understand, even if she doesn't agree, then not sure what you are getting out of the relationship. You may even find total refusal to engage will show your Mum just how strong your feelings are.

Maybe you're right but I feel angry that a) i'm missing out on a big occasion and b) running the risk of yet another massive family upset of my causing. Because i've done this numerous times before and all that happens is that i'm villified. And I know that I shouldn't care about this but I don't feel I deserve to be thought of that way.

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:21

Ok - you want to go - what do you want to happen?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/04/2013 17:22

The one thing you can't really influence in life is what others are thinking. Your mother knows how you feel but, like all parents, they want siblings to be one big happy family and they will try every trick in the book to keep the peace. You're already being hung for a lamb... won't make a blind bit of difference to steal the sheep as well.

raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:22

and you've done it but then you've gone back - hardly consistant to be honest and sending mixed signals to your Mum. Do you want your Mum on your side? If so what has the toxic one done ?

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:23

Cogito - I'm hearing what you're saying and I agree that you have to carry on regardless. Like I say, i do want to be at this particular get together and in fact, I'd said no to it in the first instance and then felt that I'd be missing out so changed my mind. I guess that I just have to ignore her as i'm sure she'll do the same to me.

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MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:28

Raspberry - good question. I want ideally for us not to be in any proximity where we have to acknowledge one another. I want to take some pictures of my dad with my children and have given him a good party.

Cogito - Mum does want the big happy family and she can't bear the fact that we're feuding. I feel sorry for her and I don't think i can face another huge showdown where she ends up in tears and guess who's to blame....

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:29

and do agree wthe Cogito - if ist just low level shit then go and be the bigger person -

FlatsInDagenham · 20/04/2013 17:29

What do you expect your mum to do? Not invite her other DD to the family get together to protect your feelings? You've already said you want to go, but it's not your call who else goes unless it's your party.

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:30

Cogito - perhaps i can't influence what people think and maybe getting this in my head is the key but that's the hard part.

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:34

The thing is you have to decide how 'bad' whatever they have done is, what you want to happen and how that's going to happen. If its bad ie sexual abuse or similar then you have a right to expect your Mum to not invite them . If its less than that and more interpersonal crap then you do have to look at it from your Mums point of view to a degree.

raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:36

And maybe make some suggestons on how to facilitate a reasonable solution for both you and your Mum.

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:36

Flats - Of course i don't expect that! I'm not completely irrational . I maybe just hope she gets swallowed by a giant rat on her way there....

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MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:37

I don't expect mum to not invite toxic but maybe she could exert a bit less pressure on me and my family to be part of the mythical happy family....

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:42

MMe Butterfly - you don't really know what you want in physical terms then and what you are looking for is some acknolagements from your mum of maybe the hurt the other person has caused you ?

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 17:45

Yes well that would be a start. But its not going to happen. Mum just says she can see both sides. I told her last week that that was just insane as toxic has been really massively insulting to me and my DH during the last row. Mum is really quite biased and toxic can do no wrong.

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:57

Then honestly you just need to get your head round it and accept that your Mum is entitled to appoint of view and I would point you back to Cog's 1st missive. Lots of lovely passive aggressive stuff you can do though - The best revenge is to live well.

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raspberryroop · 20/04/2013 17:59

What I mean is if you want to go to the do's Go and have a bloody good time - don't give her insults any weight.

MmeButterfly · 20/04/2013 20:16

Its ongoing Raspberry and its been like this for years. Thanks for yours and everyone's ideas though. Its really helped me to talk about it.

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/04/2013 21:02

It may be a difficult thing to understand/accomplish, but since you can not find relief through physical disconnection, perhaps you could emotionally disconnect.

It sounds like your care for your sister has been worn out (understatement, as I have also experienced with mine). Therefore, get out your "Don't Care Bear" and stop caring about her so much. Complete indifference is the holy grail goal.

Treat her like an acquaintance, be civil, never say anything personal or negative about her, or in her presence about anyone or anything else. Do not initiate conversation, but always respond simply and briefly: develop an art of one word answers.

The hardest thing will be to recognize, in the moment, when she is baiting you. And to not take the bait. Physical gestures can help here. Rolling eyes, shaking your head, walk away, or hold up your hand (as in speak to the hand 'cause no other part of me will be listening).

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