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I have gained a lodger and lost a friend.(75 Posts)
We have a granny flat above our garage. We aren't renting it out as it would then be liable for council tax and we wouldn't be guaranteed regular tenants as we live in a pretty unpopular renting area.
At the moment we have a good friend of 25 years standing staying it whilst he relocates from London. He came up in January for 2 days and ended up staying nearly 4 weeks and generally was grumpy and nasty to me despite trying to avoid him. He had form for being a terrible moody flatmate years ago and obviously he hadn't changed. He asked us could he stay in the flat whilst he got himself sorted. He is a very old friend and we wanted to help him as much as we could so despite the stress of the previous month we said yes.
I mildly called him on his attitude via email and he appeared horrified and said it was because he was stressed. It was all sorted and I made a joke of it and that was that.
He has been here 2 months and it has been beyond awful. DH and I have done what we can to give him a wide berth but he basically canot be civil to me. If I meet him outside he either wilfully ignores me or snaps at me. Any of the most bland conversation is wilfully misinterpreted and ends up him telling me to shut up. I am not welcome in the flat at all. I have kept my counsel as it was only to the end of April. Now he has basically said to DH he hasn't found anywhere to go. We know he is going to ask DH this weekend whether he can stay on. He has nowhere to go.
It would seem an easy decision- No- but he has had depression in the recent past and I am wondering how much of this might be going? He was meant to be over it and bearing in mind he is pleasant to DH and other friends just not to me I am inclined to think he is just being a pig. Even dh says it is obvious he can't stand the sight of me and is worried he is ill because he can't believe someone could do this intentionally especially when I have very little to do with him and he is basically relying on our good will. He doesn't pay any rent and is to give us a small sum at the end to cover bills and expenses.
I have been ill twice in the last month first with cellulitis from athletes foot and then with conjunctivitis and the GP thinks I am run down and stressed as I am usually fighting fit. How much should I put my health and happiness before someone's suspected mh problems?
No real friend would behave like this towards someone who has shown such hospitality. He acts vile towards you because as you now see him in his true colours, so he sees you as a threat. Reading this, he is bullying the pair of you.
He pays no rent, he abuses you. His behaviour varies depending on who he speaks to. I wouldn't call him a lodger - aren't they supposed to pay rent ?
I really think you want him out asap. No arguments. "This is not working" Then change the locks.
He is being awful and has abused your friendship and generosity. Send hi m on his way immediately.
Even if he doesn't have anywhere to go, he can rent a room in a hotel/B&B until he sorts himself out. It is not your problem though.
It was good that DH heard him in action being rude to you. Why didn't he immediately go and pull him up on his behaviour though?
I think you and DH need to sit down and agree when you want him out (and make it soon) and then you both tell him.
I am fuming on your behalf- for goodness sake get him out. There isn't a friendship here to lose, so why the delay?
Quick update. DH went over to see him to talk to him and it transpired he had found somewhere to go from next month. Friend then brought up the fact there seemd to be some ill feeling between me and him and said he wanted to sort it out. So far so good. DH and friend came over to talk to me and immediately went on the attack - I had said something innocuous last weekend apparently(which I don't remember) and he was sooo upset and I have made him feel unwelcome and he has tried so hard to stay out of my way. Bollocks.Of all my many and myriad faults being inhospitable isn't one of them.
Well- I sort of lost it (in a semi controlled way) and told him he's behaved like an arse and to fuck the fuck off. DH stood there trying manfully to continue to mediate and totally refused to back me up. I stormed off and came back about 3 hours later. Had a very big go at DH who by this stage was really worried and really apologetic.
Then, because I can't bear to fall out with people, I went over to friend said we should forget about it and just put it behind us. We had tea and cake. He is moving in 2 weeks he is now on his best behaviour so 2 weeks I can cope with.
Probably most of you will feel I am a wuss for making up but when we were having the argument I didn't back down, I wouldn't accept that I was at anyway at fault (because for once I haven't been).
Mostly I was pissed off with DH but after I calmed down I see that he had tried to do the right thing but ballsed it up. Friend had basically said he wanted to apologise and DH couldn't quite believe it when he went straight in on the attack and things went so badly so quickly.
Oh dear poozlepants . That's a nightmare. It is your house and you can ask him at any point to pack his things and leave immediately. So if you change your mind, or the halo slips a millimetre, don't hesitate to tell him he has an hour to pack his things and go. To be honest, I'm more concerned about your husband's poor bahaviour. He didn't back you up and has encouraged you to make peace in a situation where you are being treated really badly. It seems really cowardly and unsupportive. I'm guessing this isn't the first time?
Are you for real? You're a mug, but your husband is lilly-livered twerp of the highest order.
You're still putting up with this?!
Two weeks, my arse.
Bet you London to a brick he goes nowhere because behind every freeloading pisstaker stands a complete mug like you and your DH.
You gave him tea and cake because you don't like confrontation with this bullying dicksmack who has used you?
You need a kick up the jacksie to insert a spine into you.
You don't have a lodger or a friend, you have a freeloading twat who has obviously done this to others as there appears to be a train of people who want nothing else to do with him anymore.
His shit should be out on the pavement and the locks changed by close of play today after that stunt he pulled this weekend! I could say he'd have been out within an hour after his outburst, but that would be lying, because this twunt would never have been in my house at all in the first place.
And tbh, if my spouse behaved like this, it wouldn't be long before his shit was out on the pavement, too.
There's nothing 'manful' about him. I've met spayed rabbits with more balls than he's got.
Why are you giving him another 2 weeks?! After everything that's happened, he insults you in your own home and the net result is he's still there. He's been guilt-tripping you into letting him stay rent-free and, when the two weeks are up, I'm pretty sure you'll be playing out this charade all over again. Get him out.
This is my DH's default position - don't cause a fuss just move on. Once he has decided someone is a waste of space he just doesn't give them anymore head room. He doesn't understand my need to get endlessly worked up about stuff. His attitide is - this man is a cock so I really don't give a shit. Confrontation is def. not his thing. It is actually not a bad attitude at times but he did get it both barrels last night.
As for me - I feel have the upperhand. I said a lot of stuff and refused to back down I am not totally spineless. I am never going to trust said friend again or do him any favours. He def has somewhere to go- I don't think he wants to be here anymore. Anyway the boiler broke this weekend and we aren't getting it fixed so he has no heating or hot water.
Glad it is sorting (IF it is sorting) but..your husband!
One of the great things about having a husband I think is that you have someone on your side against the world, and certainly against freeloading mates. I can't believe he didn't back you- you would have both been well within your rights to kick this guy out immediately! I would see my husband as very much weedy and weak if he didn't back me over something like being insulted in my own home.
" DH only really saw how bad it was a few weeks ago when friend and I were having a conversation outside the window of a room DH was doing DIY inand friend didn't know DH was there"
So he could be civil when your Dh was around, only showing his true feelings when you were on your own.
I know why he doesn't like you btw. It's because he can manipulate your dh, but not you to the same extent.
Making up with the friend wasn't really making up. I don't trust him, I think what he did to me was unforgiveable and I'm not likely to forget it or have anything to do with him again but I am someone who is always riddled by guilt so I did it to make myself feel better.
As for Dh he has major issues with confrontation- due to his family- and this does make me feel like he hasn't backed me up. However we have been together for 22 years so it's not like it's something new.
We have had ongoing difficulties with my MIL and there was part of me yesterday that thought actually if he wimps out about this I am going to have more leverage to make him sort his parents out.
There is part of me envies his ability just to write someone off and then stop giving a shit about it.
What expat said. You are being a mug and your husband needs to grow a pair. Actually so do you for letting both of them away with behaving like this, I can't believe you went over with cake! I would be livid with the pair of them
and be packing both their bags.
'Mostly I was pissed off with DH but after I calmed down I see that he had tried to do the right thing but ballsed it up. Friend had basically said he wanted to apologise and DH couldn't quite believe it when he went straight in on the attack and things went so badly so quickly'.
No, friend wanted to keep you sweet so he could continue to freeload.
Pack his bags.
OP I'm with expat , tell the bloke [he's no friend] to sling his hook, don't give him two weeks more.
What a tool he is, stop being so nice to him.
I understand you're not keen to bring DH too much into the conversation, but you must have told him how horrid this 'friend' was being towards you? Did not believe you until he heard it himself, and/or simply not care?
Either way, I feel his attitude stinks. Sorry.
- oh, and, YY, kick the fucker out. Although I bet he'll do it himself now the boiler's gone. Well done on not fixing it.
Everyone who know this person thinks he is fantastic- a great bloke. And he is unless you live with him. If I had thrown him out there and then he would've made me out to be some hysterical female and people would've believed him. We share a large group of friends - mostly mine not DH's.
Therefore, I have made a 'peace' to protect myself really. I am not really being a martyr - enemies are best kept close and I have no plans to let this go as easily as that. I intend to bide my time.
Then why do so many from his past have nothing to do with him?
Bollocks everyone thinks he's great.
I can't believe grown adults allow themselves to be manipulated like this due to peer pressure. Who gives a fuck what others think of you?
This person is abusive.
He sounds very odd. And ill. He is rude to you, snaps at you in your own home, tells you to shut up and lives rent free of you.
tbh OP I'd be worried about your safety. He sounds extremely odd (and ill) indeed, which is unfortunate for him, but you have to put your safety in your own home first. Tell him to leave, and asap. Most attacks come from people known to the victim. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but it does happen.
Why are you and your DH being such doormats to this man?
You actually sound terrified of him.
'enemies are best kept close and I have no plans to let this go as easily as that. I intend to bide my time.'
Sorry, but this is how teenagers think. Get real! Bide your time? Why are you wasting energy on this cock? Protecting yourself? From whom, are people giong to come after you with knives if you throw him out? Then call the cops.
I'd get some new friends, too.
I second the motion for Expat to start an agency
It should be called "Cocks & Lodgers - pest removal services".
'It should be called "Cocks & Lodgers - pest removal services".
When we had a pest guest, only once, before I threw her out for smoking in our house after we asked her not to as I was pregnant that was my name for her from then on 'Pest Guest'.
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