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Nasty letter from a family member so hurt

(23 Posts)
discotequewreck Sat 20-Apr-13 16:30:37

Will have to be careful as don't want to be recognised.

I recently wrote a letter to my parents who have cut me out of their will. It was to question this decision as I suspected another family member was involved and coercion had taken place. I also wrote to said family member.

My parents were abusive btw and I have limited contact.
This morning I received a long letter from said family member which can only be described as vitriol, character assassination and a rant.

I am just going to ignore it but it hurts. I feel sick.

MmeButterfly Sat 20-Apr-13 16:41:08

Its so hard to ignore though i'm guessing. I have a toxic sibling who decided that i wasn't allowed an opinion of my own a long time ago. She sends poisonous texts every now and again and however i try i can't get the words out of my mind. Hope you can somehow move forward. x

Nanny0gg Sat 20-Apr-13 16:51:54

My parents were abusive btw and I have limited contact.
Is it really a surprise that you have been cut out of their will then?

Would it not be better for you to move on and cut contact completely from both them and the other family member?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 16:59:52

You know, there's a point when someone has taken everything valuable away that they can... love, legacies, whatever... that they have no further hold over you, no power. 'Sticks and stones....' etc.

discotequewreck Sat 20-Apr-13 17:14:04

Yes it's over now and I need to move on but it's hard

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 17:19:09

Of course it's hard but that was their best and last shot at hurting you. If you ignore it, then they've lost and you've won. Freedom is a marvellous thing. Courage.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Sat 20-Apr-13 17:25:22

disco, Dh had an incrediably vicious email from his brother not long ago, it was the most hateful thing I have ever read. I was really worried for Dh as it absolutely floored him, I never seen him look so ill. Anyway, Dh responded with a short curt note back not replying to any of his brothers points just saying to never contact him or our children ever again and not to reply as it would be deleted. It did the job and after putting up with this toxic man for so long, he feels as though a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. The hurt won't last, it's just the shock, but in the long run you will feel so much better being in control now and releasing yourself from them.

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 20-Apr-13 17:29:37

It is hard. We had a disagreement with my toxic MIL sometime ago. DH's brother decided to write pages of nastiness about DH and I, even to the point of saying that he didn't think we deserved our DD (after 10yrs TTC and then adoption - so you can imagine how much that hurt).

I remember thinking I was having a heart attack as I read it and it very nearly destroyed DH. But now we have come to the conclusion, as heart breaking as it is - that you cannot choose your family and he is no longer part of our lives.

We have loving supportive people around us, and they are much more important. Good luck OP smile

flippinada Sat 20-Apr-13 17:33:04

Even if not unexpected, things like this are hurtful...and from reading MN nasty letters seem to be a favoured tool for abusive types, probably because they're an effective way to create drama and upset. Accordingly, as others say, the best way to react is not to react.

This is also the perfect excuse to cut them out once and for all. Just think, it could be the beginning of a new, happier phase in your life.

discotequewreck Sat 20-Apr-13 18:49:07

help I feel so low

Mannequinkate Sat 20-Apr-13 19:00:19

Can't imagine what your initial letter said but I can imagine it won't have been well received either. If you challenge a will (which you have no right to) and send a letter accusing someone else for being behind it (which is even worse) what kind of reaction would you expect? I think if you take a step back you may see that your family think of you as you do of them. Then the most sensible and fair thing for everybody is to cease contact. Nasty letters back and forth will not be making anyone involved feel good.

discotequewreck Sat 20-Apr-13 19:12:29

thanks mannequin sad

My letter merely questioned if they meant the will to be that way. And there is other stuff years back, this family member is a viscious bully.

I was duped and I stood up to them but in a measured way. The letter I got was pages attacking me, my husband and his family. Making digs at my parentage, calling me names

flippinada Sat 20-Apr-13 19:21:19

Do you think it may help to talk to a counsellor about this? (understand you may already be seeing someone). I can totally understand your shock and hurt at receiving a letter like this - even if its not unexpected (iwsim) it's still horrible.

Unfortunately (as you have found) people like this are just so vicious and unpleasant that having no contact is really the best option.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 08:19:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 08:19:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 08:35:16

Please remember. ^'Sticks and stones... can break my bones but names can never hurt me'. Even though they've written horrible things and you're upset, they've lost the argument if they've had to resort to name-calling and insults. You've won, in other words. Take a match, light it and send the evil thing up in smoke...

Snowcatliveshere Sun 21-Apr-13 08:50:37

Similar situation here re parents. I too had limited contact for years whereby they would enter my life every now and again - upset me greatly - and then leave. Things came to a head a few years ago when my DH became involved and stood up for me. Such was the resulting horror that my dad cut me off. On reflection this was the best thing - as time goes by the hurt does get less and it is not reawaken by their appearance iyswim. You will have to try and not think about the will, make the most of the family and friends you do have. Send all letters back unread too! It does get better really.

Snowcatliveshere Sun 21-Apr-13 08:52:53


discotequewreck Sun 21-Apr-13 08:56:38

It's complicated why I was angry about the will. I don't want my abuser's money but it was done in an under hand way and to get back at me. After I had offered a branch to reconcile.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 09:03:35

The prospect of reconciliation was clearly a threat to this family member, hence the vitriol. You can take this a few ways from here. Cutting contact with everyone in the story might be easiest but possibly not all that satisfactory. Carrying on holding out olive branches to your parents gives you the moral high ground but would be emotionally challenging and you'd need to be strong. You could even choose to challenge this family member head on but I don't recommend it. They seem determined to create a rift and then keep worrying at it.

AnAirOfHope Sun 21-Apr-13 09:04:11

Take the letter show it to your parents and then laught as this is the person they have throwen their lott in with.

Cut contact and pitty them having this person in their lives.

Parents are people and some people should not be parents. Dont let their shittyness define you.

springyhappychick Sun 21-Apr-13 11:26:18

I had one of those and it absolutely floored me. Took me 3 months to get over it - but I did get over it. She typed it 10pt with tiny margins to get it all on one page. She has since accused me of having MH problems <irony>

I got rid of it. Part of me wishes I hadn't as it would be interesting reading in the cold light of day and would give me the evidence I sometimes forget that she is not right in the upstairs department.

Let yourself weather it. The hurt will eventually pass and a steely determination takes its place. In a way it is a blessing as everything is out in the open and you can't kid yourself in a moment of weakness/humanity.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl Sun 21-Apr-13 11:32:45

A family member wrote me a letter like this once then deleted it. Venting to the ether I suppose.
Another family member who knew dug it out of the computer trash then said "Look what X feels. This is what X wrote to you but didn't send".
Try to let it go. Anything else will just be bad for you.

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