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dysfunctional family please help?

(7 Posts)
fuzzybuzzy Sat 20-Apr-13 12:46:15

My father has cancer.
He was largely absent during my childhood.Never had a birthday present from him, even a call.If we did see him it was down to my mothers efforts.

When he got sick he got in touch.My mother and I have done all we can to include him, welcome him as much as we can.This has been SO hard for me, but is something I feel is right to do for him, me and my two children.

I think he has aspergers traits.There is something not right about his ability to communicate and read emotions.I see him as an injured dog, vulnerable and lonely and this makes me so sad.

He comes to stay at mine every few months.I walked into the kitchen this morning and he was talking to DH about or impending house move.
I found the tone REALLY offensive. This was partly down to DH.It was a sort of fuck the bitches tone.Ie She does not understand how hard it is to earn money, male bonding / she is dragging me on this move ....

I dont really know how it happened.I got really angry.It is true that DH would rather not move, also my parents divorce was messy and he has a 1950s/ woman hating streak.

Huge argument, my dad said I was destroying my family, repeating history and that he would write me off, never come back to see me again.

I dont even know why I am writing this, or if I am making sense, but I am so devastated.I feel so betrayed by DH and hurt that my father cant see???How hard it has been to let him through my door.

I spoke to a family member about this.He offered me comfort and said that he has memories of my dad saying this to me as a child.

If you have any advice at all I would be very grateful.


CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 20-Apr-13 13:10:39

Your main problem is with your DH. If he really does have this misogynistic streak then I'm not surprised that you chewed him out. As for your Dad, he should be ashamed of himself egging DH on and supporting the male chauvinist piggery crap. I know you see him as this pathetic 'injured dog' character and have been trying hard to let bygones be bygones, but it was only ever going to be a matter of time until the real him showed through. FWIW he's a 'bully' not 'aspergers'. If he dies alone, that'll be entirely his look-out. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Apr-13 16:17:33

What Cogito said in its entireity.

If the positions were reversed also you would likely not see your dad for dust. You would not tolerate this from a friend, your Dad is no different. He would actually do you a favour if he did leave you alone then at least you would be free of him and his wounding words.

He is perhaps like a wounded dog but such creatures bite and continue to bite the hand that feeds them. He neither wants your help or kindness; he just wants to find someone to bully and you and your mother will do nicely.

Do not assume either he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum; he is likely instead to be a malevolent bully whom you and your mother have continued to have a relationship with, goodness alone knows why.

Also it does your children no favours to see their mother so easily cowed by her dad and by turn her H.

Why would you want a relationship with your Dad at all?. FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are but three damaging traits left by inadequate toxic parents to their now adult offspring. You seem to have FOG in spades.

raspberryroop Sat 20-Apr-13 17:14:36

As above this is not Asperger's this is being a tosser.

fuzzybuzzy Sun 21-Apr-13 07:20:23

Sorry about the aspergers comments.No offence intended.

Thanks for the advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Apr-13 08:43:23

I don't think the asperger's remark caused offence, but it is often used as a rationale by desperate people anxious to work out why someone they want to love them isn't 'connecting'. Sometimes the bald truth behind people who don't want to communicate and/or don't read emotions is that they are fundamentally self-absorbed and don't care about anyone unless they are useful in some way.

raspberryroop Sun 21-Apr-13 16:22:19

Yy as Cogito wrote - not offensive just to say, don't feel that he has a disability that excuses knobby behaviour. Asperger's can cause a lack of social understanding and communication problems which can make then seam self absorbed to a degree. But the majority of Asperger's adults work very hard to 'get' social situations and have learned though intellectual 'understanding' what the norms are ( even if they don't always get it 100%). (Most) People with with Asperger's love and care for people in the same way as any of us- some may just express it in a different way smile - they are very often too eager to please and overly caring in relationships.

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