Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Staying with dh after om

(266 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:03:50

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

ItsYoniYappy Fri 26-Apr-13 18:52:40

I am you a few years on. 3 years in September. My boys were 6 and 10 when I finally left. I think you need counselling via WA is the first thing I will say to keep you strong, I didn't do this and lived a horrid year or even 2 not knowing if I would take X back or not, he seen the DC but spent his time talking to me and ignoring them tbh

My Dc are 13 and 9 now (almost) I will not go into how they were after we split but it wasn't too bad, horrid for first few weeks but then better, my eldest remembers arguments from when he was 3. My youngest started hitting me, he seen his Dad disrepect me for years so he copied him. DS1 thought he would 'hit his girlfriends'.

They have been having counselling since November now and DS2 has stopped hitting me and throwing trainers at my head but is still very naughty and some people (most people who do not know his background) would wonder how/why I put up with him but ignoring him is the only way. Until he calms down.

You are doing the right thing here, it's not easy, you may be tempted to go back as he 'will change' don't fall for it. I wish I had left my X years ago and feel so bloody stupid for staying.

My DC are happy now, we do what we want when we want, no walking around worrying about ex and him coming home and doing what he wanted or putting up with the crap that came afterwards. Stay strong OP. Him standing over you when you were sleeping was creepy

Offred Fri 26-Apr-13 18:43:43

and yes, i know you are terribly consumed with guilt about developing feelings for someone else, which is less than ideal in the context of your religious beliefs BUT you know and accept this, he thinks he is right. Right to sexually bully you, right to stalk you, alienate you and hit you...

I hope maybe one day you'll be able to truly believe how wrong he is.

Offred Fri 26-Apr-13 18:40:36

Of course the children are going to be upset. This isn't a reason to not do it. Sometimes children not being upset by something is a good reason to change it. Children are socialised to their environment as normal, any change is difficult but children are very good at handling it because a large proportion of their lives are about actually integrating changes and the unknown. A child who is not upset at living in the environment you describe your marriage to be has learned that that is 'normal', that is a massive reason to change it, yes they might find it difficult, yes he will poison them (most likely), yes they might be angry with you but you need to deal with that because they need to learn from you that the way their father treats you is not acceptable so that they do not treat their future girlfriends and wives like that.

swallowedAfly Fri 26-Apr-13 11:19:01

it's just another strategy groundhog - come reality time he won't want to see them every day or have that much responsiblity. it's just about messing with your head. he certainly won't want 50/50 in reality as that's a lot of work.

i wouldn't take anything he says now seriously but wait and see what he's saying after you've moved out and he has accepted it is over.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 26-Apr-13 11:08:57

Scarlett- that's exactly how I want to do it. Be positive and not melodramatic about it all.

I keep telling dcs we are going to have a nice big garden with swings and slides and I'm going to buy them a rabbit etc. I know this sounds so materialistic but I'm trying to appeal to their age and give them something to get excited about.

I have also been reassuring them that they will see their dad whenever they want and stay with him too.

I hate that it's come to this but it has and I just wish he would let us move on. I know it's tough for him though.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 26-Apr-13 11:04:37

Swallowed- thank you. I agree with you. I think he thinks the longer I stay here the more time he has to work on me and wear me down.

I want to get the kids settled in and used to the fact that they will be living with mum but will see dad whenever they want. I have told dh I want him to have regular contact etc. however I meant FaceTime , weekends, his dad off.

He is now saying he wants to see them everyday, but this is just not practical. Especially bearing in mind I'm moving 25miles away. He has also suggested shared custody.

I remember someone said this on another post, if parenting is not 50/50 now why should it be after separation.

He barely saw them previously and recently he's become super dad.

Obv the kids love this new dad and have become clingy with him. He's now using this to convince me that they want to stay with him.

I just need to get out now and start moving forwards. But I know I will never be able to have the clean break that I want.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 26-Apr-13 10:57:20


ScarletWomanoftheVillage Fri 26-Apr-13 10:57:02

Your DCs will take their lead from you. If it is not present to them as a trauma, then it needn't be one. Much better and easier to do this now while they are young than say when they are early teens.

Keep going op thanks

swallowedAfly Fri 26-Apr-13 10:24:46

he's scrabbling for a new strategy - threatening to kick you out (and hoping on you being too scared) has failed so now he has to abandon that and try mr nice guy.

dcs will be fine. it will be the being around such stress and nastiness that is upsetting not the prospect of you separating. also they're too young really to know what it all means and will just respond to the decisions you take and how things are. so when you move into house and things are stable and calm and safe feeling they'll be stable and safe and feel calmer iyswim.

you really can't listen to a word he says as clearly he'll say anything to keep control. just look at how many times his view/tactic has completely changed - that's a man trying to manipulate not someone being honest and principled.

GroundHogDayAgain Fri 26-Apr-13 10:09:13

Hi x
I'm ok thanks for asking xxx
I've moved out most of my stuff now. Been running between the two houses past two days.

No tv or Internet in new house yet so going to wait till that's sorted. Early next week hopefully.

Dh has gone from practically kicking me out to becoming overbearingly supportive. I'm very suspicious and am keeping him at arms length

He wants to help us settle in now.

But all the while keeps telling me how I shouldn't make any hasty decisions and I should think about what I'm doing

The past week dc1 has been refusing to go to school. I send him crying everyday. I don't know whether it's because of what's been going on. Dh is convinced it's the effecs of recent events. Hes using it against me saying dcs want to stay with both parents and don't want to separate etc etc.

I do feel torn and guilty. But I absolutely cannot live like this for the next 20 or so years.

Dcs are only 2&5.

What are other people's experiences of this??

BranchingOut Thu 25-Apr-13 15:35:05

Are you ok, OP?

swallowedAfly Wed 24-Apr-13 17:28:18

you have eaten and slept or you'd be dead but no, you won't have eaten or slept well. getting out and into a stable environment will sort that for you and the children who realistically cannot be unphased by all this drama and stress.

hopefully you have gotten out today.

it may sound dramatic but do you know how often men very much like him kill their wife and children? they don't come with a special label tatooed on their forehead saying this one is a proper nutter killer. they behave just like him.

for the sake of the safety of your children get out.

BranchingOut Wed 24-Apr-13 14:25:43

Please remember that most, normal people will not pay any attention whatsoever to what he says.

I think that you would be safest if you left as soon as possible. BUT, please inform the police/WA of your position, so that they can put a flag on your new address.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Wed 24-Apr-13 11:53:07

I have utmost respect for those of you who have escaped and come out the other side.

And you will too, op, then you will have utmost respect for yourself.

All the very best for today

GroundHogDayAgain Wed 24-Apr-13 10:36:48

Offred, thanks so much. Your advice as always is gold.

I'm moving stuff out today. I'm scared but I know I need to do it.

He has humiliated me and said stuff about me to my family and God knows what they must think of me.

I have no doubt that once I've gone he will be quick to spread the word on what a slut I am and how I've been sleeping around. Doesn't matter his many times I try and convince him otherwise he's fixated on it. In fact he's the only guy I have ever slept with. He was my first and only one to date.

Lisamed- when someone tells you constantly day and night that your bringing shame on the family, your letting everyone down, you will be punished for your actions, you start to believe it. This is why I'm still here years later. I'm scared of the repercussions.

Quint- thank you for your support x

I will call WA soon as I get a minute. I've not eaten or slept for two weeks and I just feel very tired now. I look at food and feel physically sick.

I know it gets harder before it gets easier. I just wish I could fast forward 6months down the line. I can't believe I'm so scared.

I have utmost respect for those of you who have escaped and come out the other side.

QuintessentialOHara Wed 24-Apr-13 10:21:20

Good luck with your move. Dont leave the children with this man.

I second speaking to WA, and get the police involved if you feel threatened again.

Offred Wed 24-Apr-13 10:20:13

0808 2000 247

Don't be put off because you think dv is only if you are being severely beaten black and blue on an hourly basis.

Offred Wed 24-Apr-13 10:17:46

Wishing you love and strength with your move. Please do call the police if you feel scared or just to be there to help keep things civil while you go.

Also please think of speaking to women's aid. I'm very concerned about your thinking patterns. He seems to be absolute God in your world, like you can only know the world through him and I'm worried you'll struggle and yo-yo without some support. Everyone when they first go to WA thinks they shouldn't be there but you need to tell them the whole truth and trust them to help you. I'm sure they will. You are scared of him, you've probably been avoiding that realisation for many years. I think that is because he is scary.

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 10:09:37

Oh right, that is wierd

You just need to focus on leaving.

LisaMed Wed 24-Apr-13 09:27:15

Why do you think that him saying something makes it true?

GroundHogDayAgain Wed 24-Apr-13 09:20:19

Hi everyone, thanks for your messages x

I'm going to start moving my things out today. I just hope he doesn't try to stop me or do anything silly.

I realised last night that I was actually scared of this guy. And I fully expected him to hit me or throw something at me.

When he got into my bed and refused to move I knew that going forwards, this was what it would be like. The way he wants things and if I don't like it then tough.

We have slept in separate rooms now since dc1. He moved out of our bedroom as dc1 used to wake up for night feeds etc and it would disturb his sleep. He's been in his own room ever since. 5years now. I had dc2 when we thought we'd try to make marriage work. Once I became pregnant he returned to his own room though.

I haven't slept with him since 2010.

I haven't got any family or friends here and feel very alone.

He kept saying I'm ruining the dcs lives. It's all going to reverse on me and I'll pay for what I'm doing etc.

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 09:06:37

Do you have seperate beds OP? or has he been on the sofa?

Tbh I can possibly imagine it wasn't sexually threatening, and as much as he is an absolute arsehole and you should leave asap, really!
I can't Imagine many men staying out of the marital bed when they weren't the ones to cheat.
The Shouting over you is really scary though, what was he saying?
seems to be escalating, I would leave asap.

anastaisia Wed 24-Apr-13 08:47:06

Please think about calling the police if he does anything threatening or refuses to let you leave for work. A record of his abuse should make it harder for him if he does try to use the children against you when you leave.

holstenlips Wed 24-Apr-13 07:40:32

Just wishing you all the best sounds like a nightmare situation to be in. Get away safely he sounds awful :-(

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Wed 24-Apr-13 07:28:03

Hi op, i hope you survived the rest of the night. You have somewhere to go. Sounds like you and dcs should leave at first opportunity.

Best of luck

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: