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Staying with dh after om

(266 Posts)
GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 11:03:50

Hi, I posted here yesterday re om dh business etc.

I think I am going to stay with dh and give my marriage another go.

I don't love dh and alot has happened in the 13years we have been together. We have small dcs.

I am going to have to leave my business (with om) and cut all contact with him. I will also become a sahm after working all my adult life.

Please can anyone tell me or give me advice on how to move forwards. I am going to arrange counselling for me then maybe couples if I think it's helping.

Any advice welcome. Thank you x

AnyFucker Sat 20-Apr-13 12:42:51

There's been a run of these faux-self deprecating threads recently where it becomes clear as the story progresses that the OP is simply indulging in a spot of chain-yanking.

She gets a long thread of outraged, frothing replies but doesn't listen to any advice whatsoever.

Kernowgal Sat 20-Apr-13 12:46:09

As a child of a relationship similar to yours (with your DH, though my dad wasn't abusive like that), on behalf of your children I am going to say that you need to grow a spine and leave your DH and go it alone for your children's sake.

Sod what you and your husband want, or what the OM wants, put your bloody children first for once.

Offred Sat 20-Apr-13 12:49:19

Lurked on the other thread.

Think you are utterly insane in making this decision.

It will work out worst for everyone.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 12:50:41

I'm not playing the victim or a martyr. And neither am I manipulating anyone.

I'm just trying to find a way of providing my dcs with the best life.

I'm very grateful to have a good job, I worked hard for it but its not sympathetic to families at all. If I leave dh and go to work for another company, I would have to put dcs in daycare all day and I don't want to do that. I'm self emp at the moment and can work around Dcs. But of course the business is with om.

I want to leave om and move on and this means leaving business. People have suggested I keep it work only but if I stay with dh this is out if the question and even if I don't stay with dh, I won't be able to carry on working with om everyday.

Oms wife knows everything and wants him back. I have told om he needs to decide what he wants to do with that himself and away from me.

I have made mistakes and now I just want to make things right.

swallowedAfly Sat 20-Apr-13 12:53:55

well there is total consensus on this thread that what you are proposing is not putting things right and is not the best option for your children. so if you wanted to know what others thought you've had a very clear answer. it won't change anything though as you'll stick with what seems easiest.

swallowedAfly Sat 20-Apr-13 12:55:22

nope - not even when you try and emotionally manipulate it into something else.

Offred Sat 20-Apr-13 12:55:26

this kind of martyrdom, and it is absolutely is this, is the absolute worst possible way to make a stable home for your children.

It is absolutely the way to give them issues with relationships and ruin your relationships (you and dh) with them when they are adults.

Your primary relationship is abusive. The other man is, similarly, a total twunt. Frying pan and fire are not your only choices.

I sincerely believe you need some support with your confidence and self-esteem before you make any decision.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 12:55:26

I am listening to all the advice here, and I am considering everything.

I know I can go it alone. So many do. I've admitted I am pathetic wanting to have someone there, like a safety net.

I am going to think about what I can do to get out and what support I have.

swallowedAfly Sat 20-Apr-13 12:55:40

sorry wrong thread for that last post! confused

Fairylea Sat 20-Apr-13 12:55:54

Have a longer term plan.... its not a choice between this particular job or staying with your dh. There are other jobs.. work less hours, check benefit entitlement etc.

SirBoobAlot Sat 20-Apr-13 12:56:08

You need t get away from both of these men. Yes you fucked up, but your H has no right to tell you that you are not allowed to work.

Get a clean break. You'd be better off as a single mum, and working on your social life a bit more to combat feeling lonely.

Fairylea Sat 20-Apr-13 12:56:18

When I say work less hours I mean in an entirely different job.

Offred Sat 20-Apr-13 12:57:34

people make mistakes. Adults have to get over this and move on not runaway back to whichever knobhead is going to treat them worst as a punishment for being such a terrible person.

Perfectly possible to work with OM and move on in my mind, just difficult emotionally but entirely possible.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 12:58:23

Is not possible to find the love once it's lost? This is what is bugging me and why I was initially thinking I should give dh and I a go.

TheOwlService Sat 20-Apr-13 12:58:50

Sounds to me OP that you have decided that you are doing the right thing in staying with your husband and just looking on here for someone, anyone, to validate your actions.

Dont think you are going to find this validation, not on here anyway!

You and your DC better off on your own. If you have earning power you can make a new start. I dont understand for one minute why on earth you would want to do anything else!!!

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 13:00:49

Yes I am def considering another job, anywhere tbh. I'm not bothered how much I earn as long as I can support myself and kids.

Fairylea Sat 20-Apr-13 13:01:18

It is possible to love again. But I think that ship has sailed by the sounds of it.

Offred Sat 20-Apr-13 13:02:04

I am not of the belief that is possible to find love when you have lost it for such a long period of time no. A certain amount of fluid waxing and waning of feeling is allowable, that is not what has happened here. That is without taking into account the fact that you should not try to engineer love for someone who is abusive and controlling.

scaevola Sat 20-Apr-13 13:04:19

"Is not possible to find the love once it's lost?"

Possible, yes. Likely, no. But if you think this idea is worth consideration, you might like also to consider that one very effective way of sorting it out would be to separate and rediscover yourself and whether you really want to be with him. If in say 6months you find you are not missing him at all, you'll have your answer.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 13:05:09

Offred I could continue working with om but I think if I'm to move on it's not a good idea.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 13:06:56

I have suggested a temp separation with dh but he doesn't agree.

HandbagCrab Sat 20-Apr-13 13:11:43

I'd rather me and ds live in a skip than live with a dh that wants the control over me to tell me whether I can work or not and threatens me with violence (even once), ignores me etc. I'd rather have ds in nursery 12 hours a day than live one hour in an abusive home.

I'd wager you've had this fantasy relationship with this other man precisely because your primary relationship is so poor and always has been poor.

Why would your dh improve if he doesn't have to? He's probably got better because you've been working at becoming self sufficient and now he has the perfect stick to beat you back down with so he can go back to how he was before.

I absolutely agree with af and others. This is your life, you have to take responsibility for what you want from it and what is objectively best for your dc. Have counselling before making any decisions re work and your dh.

Offred Sat 20-Apr-13 13:16:54

It really is irrelevant whether DH agrees to a temp separation. Relationships are conducted by mutual agreement but it is absolutely vital that they can be unilaterally ended.

If you want a temporary separation then have one.

I would explain to OM that you need time and space to think and to establish yourself as independent before you can decide whether to commit to him or not. I would ask to move into new house and offer to pay rent/get contract signed over to you.

Then see how things go.

If it is right with DH then you will be able to conduct the relationship as equals.

If you have space you will be able to make a better choice, and probably so will he. Everything is motivated around desperation and control currently.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 13:44:00

Offred and others thank you.

I am taking on board everything.

I did have a 'fantasy life' in my head. Because om was outwardly everything I wanted. He was great with dcs, always there for me, always ready to listen, same job and friends etc. but all that's gone now and I need to get it out of my head.

Dh telling me I should do the 'right thing' and stay with him. I've been selfish and now I need to think about my dcs, my parents his parents etc. I need to have faith that things will get better and if I want it enough they will.

He uses our religious beliefs against me all the time too. We are from a culture where divorce/separation is really taboo.

I know in this day and age and in this country this is not the case. But out families are very old fashioned and have a very tight knit community and way of thinking.

If I leave I'm a complete pariah basically.

I'm not saying I'm sacrificing myself for sake of kids (even though that's how it sounds). Just that everything and everyone around me is really pressuring me into staying with him.

GroundHogDayAgain Sat 20-Apr-13 13:47:51

I mentioned in another thread that he has bugged my car, had listening devices around the house. He had private investigator following me and om. I'm not sure why he did that as I have no friends here or family, the only places I go to are office, home, my parents and supermarket.

If I go anywhere else, ie Pizza Hut for eg, both dcs are with me always.

He has taken my office keys and gone there behind my back. He took my house keys from my bag and went there (the rented one) and took pics and sent them to me.


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