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Advice needed please in how to deal with DDs Dad.

(34 Posts)
blueballoon79 Sat 20-Apr-13 07:51:21

DDs dad walked out on me when she was a 10 month old baby. He just went to work one day and didn't come home. He had also walked out of his job on the same day and never went back.

He was staying with his parents and I was ringing them every night asking what was going on and asking them to ask him to speak to me.

A week after he'd left me he came to see me and told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore and that he was sick of me crying all the time and if he saw me crying one more time he'd just walk out the door.

He then didn't see or contact us for a month. After that month he said he wanted to start seeing DD and he was sorry he hadn't been in touch but needed time to sort his relax and recuperate!

I admit I did cry a lot after DD was born. I'd had an extremely traumatic birth which resulted in an emergency c-section. I was diagnosed with PND and PTS after her birth and was on a waiting list to receive counselling.

Matters weren't helped at that time by him not helping me one bit with our DD. He didn't change nappies, never got up in the night with her, never helped clean the house or helped me with my disabled son. He just sat on his PC all day on his paternity leave and left me to get on with it depsite me being exhausted and in immense pain.

DD is now 4 years old and he is currently taking her for one day a week. I asked him to start taking her for one night a week as well as I felt she was now old enough to progress to this. He complained and said it wasn't fair that he should take her one night a week and that we should do alternate weeks so every other w/e we each get a night off.

I explained to him that he gets every night off and I get none! He then said he couldn't commit to every week as what if he gets asked to go to the pub on an evening when he'll be having her. I told him he'll just have to say he can't come as he's got his daughter or he'll have to rearrange as that's what all other parents have to do.

He has now reluctantly agreed to take her one night every weekend.

I was so upset that he'd chhose the option of going out drinking rather than spending time with DD. She was so excited about sleeping over at her Dads and the thought he doesn't want her there hurts.

My friends told me he has been writing lies about me on his Facebook this week. I took a look and he'd been writing that he was in an abusive relationship and that it's taken him 3 years and he still can't trust again. I never abused him, when we first split up he told everyone I had stabbed him with a knife which is why he left, but even his close friends didn't believe him as obviously there was no wound and also because he has never taken responsibility for anything in his life and they knew he was just lying so he wouldn't look like the bad guy in leaving how he did.

I was devastated that he's still lying about me. I'm tired of him doing it and I'm so angry. When is it ever going to stop? He treated me abysmally and I ended up having a nervous breakdown after he'd gone and spending a month in a psychiatric hospital. In the hospital I was told that the lack of support I received from him would have culminated in a breakdown regardless of him leaving, but him leaving was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I text him and told him I'd appreciate it if he'd stop lying about me and that all I asked of him was to take more responsibility for his daughter and that if there was any abuse, it was from him bullying my son and leaving me with no help after our DD was born.

He came to pick DD up last night. HE snatched her overnight bag out of my hand and walked away without saying a word and had a face like thunder. His Father was waiting by the car for him, didn't say hello and ignored us too.

Sorry this has been so long and thank you for reading it. I just need some advice on how to proceed from here? I have anxiety and depression and situations like this get me increasingly upset. I couldn't sleep last night wondering if DD was ok as he was so moody when he picked her up and I'm so upset that yet again I'm being treated like I'm a piece of shit when it's him who shits on me time and time again.

I can't cope with this. I really can't.

PurpleThing Sat 20-Apr-13 20:37:17

Op, you are expecting your ex to behave like a reasonable person - want his dd overnight, keep things amicable, not lie. But he's not a reasonable person, his behaviour towards you when your dd was born showed you that. From now on EXPECT him to behave like a prick and you might get the odd pleasant surprise when he behaves like a human being.

My ex is like this, I can only imagine the crap he has told his gf and family about me. I have as little contact as possible with him and stick to things that relate to ds - agree tell friend you are not interested and don't retaliate if he does it again.

When my ex puts himself first yet again, I'm not surprised. If you keep thinking about him and how he is behaving, you are allowing him to still ruin your life. It is not easy but think about him as little as possible.

Hope your dd is back now.

flippinada Sat 20-Apr-13 20:41:06

What a horrible man. Don't engage with him (FB is the devils work for stuff like this).

Besides, who cares about his opinion?

Stick to essential communication about your DD and nothing else.

gettingeasiernow Sat 20-Apr-13 22:26:11

He sounds dreadful and a lot like my ex. I'm afraid I never found a way to deal with him (he can't make arrangements, be anywhere at an appointed time, etc.) so I just cut him out completely in the end, after six long years but I wish I'd done it far sooner. This at least leaves you open to find a healthy relationship which can be a role model for your child. Having him around may actually stop you doing that if it brings you down enough which it could well.

cestlavielife Sat 20-Apr-13 22:44:07

It doesn't matter what he th is.
My ex believes I a, abisive to hm to the dc etc etc. his opinion so what's?
You can't get in his head don't try to.

But do talk to your own therapist or consellor and devise strategies when you find yourself thinking about him and what is he thinking or mentally put him in a box outside your home.

So his dad was by car and ignored you ? So what. Hand over dd quickly calmly. Don't make conversation.

Ask for support from ss children with disabilities team . Eg overnight respite if you need more respite than you gettingf from your ex .

blueballoon79 Sun 21-Apr-13 15:30:27

It got worse sad

He brought her back yesterday and my Mum was there to collect her from him as I didn't want to see him.

He threw her overnight bag on the floor then stormed off to the car.
She asked him what his problem was and that he wasn't being very friendly and he started to shout at her, right outside my house and infront of DD about it wasn't fair that he had to take her overnight and that he needs a night off every week.

My Mum tried reasoning with him but he proceeded to shout and wave his arms round and even stamping his feet, then got in the car and slammed the door and then they drove off.

He then text me to say he wouldn't be taking her on Friday night and would be doing alternate weeks, so I text him back and told him not to bother with nights at all if it's causing so much resentment and aggression from him and that I'd only said he should be doing nights as I thought it would be nice for DD and that we'll just go back to him seeing her for a few hours on a saturday.

He text back, "Good, I'll pick her up on Saturday as normal".

What a prick. Hes so immature. And self centered.

You are right to stop the nights. Its sad for DD but she will realise in her own time what an arse he is. Atleast she has you.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 21-Apr-13 17:01:28

He needs a night off every week? A night off what? Who on earth does he think he's impressing with such talk? Still, throwing a tantrum got him what he wanted again i.e. reduced responsibility.

Wonder where he'll run to when his enabling parents drop off the perch.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:06:20

I would consider formalising all contact via a contact centre as of now.

He is using his DD to further punish you.

blueballoon79 Sun 21-Apr-13 17:17:27

I'm totally clueless as to what to do now. I have to find a way of telling DD he's not taking her for the night anymore and also I'm scared of him coming round on Saturday to pick her up incase I get a repeat performance of yesterday from him.

My neighbours heard, my daughter was upset and having him yell at my Mother was dreadful.

I'm so upset and fed up with all this. I don't feel I can deal with it.

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