Unwanted pregnancy,and DH will not talk to me.

[ohdearhelp]

I have name changed for this. I also don't think this is the right place but I need help and there is a lot of traffic here.
I have been with my DH for 10 years married for 8 and we have 4 lovely DCs.
I had our youngest 2 years ago and it nearly killed me. I was told after I had him that I could not have any more children. This was fine because we already have 4 and we both know how luck we are to have them.

Anyway I have been ill on and off for about 3 months and I had just put it down to a sickness bug. However DH was worried so I went to my local GP, 2 days ago and it turns out I am pregnant (about 16 weeks gone)with twins. They are small for their age but they are alive and the doctor believes that they are growing.

I am terrified and I had to wait until Dh came home to tell him. He is very upset and when I had finished telling him he got up and left and he is refusing to talk about it at all. I have asked him if he would just sit and talk to me. He said no. I told him that I am scared and that I need hi to talk to me. He said that this was all my fault and he didn't want to talk about it. He left the house and didn't return until late.
Today he has only spoken the bare minimum to me and once the DCs were in bed he just went upstairs.

I have a specialist appointment tomorrow which I have told him about, but he just ignored me.
I have no idea what to do. I need to talk to him about this because they are his babies to. I am so scared and I don't know how to get him to listen to me.
Any help?

[MrsB74]

Didn't want to read and run, I think he is just shocked. There really is no excuse for treating you like this, but it is a very male reaction! I have twins (but no others apart from two step children) so know how scary it is contemplating twin pregnancy especially if you've had problems already (I had two previous miscarriages, which I know is different). Stay strong and see what the specialist says - one day at a time. Your DH will be ok I'm sure and it is so not your fault! Be strong and good luck x

[ohdearhelp]

Thank you. I just thought he would try and talk but he doesn't want to know.

[mrspaddy]

Firstly big hugs to you. Secondly, I think your husband is genuinely shocked and fearing the worst. His sensitivity is coming across in the worst way possible though. Have you anyone else that can go with you to the appointment tom? Men have different ways of coping. I wish he would come around though and look after you. You shouldn't have to go through this on your own xxxx PS Good Luck

[Lueji]

He shouldn't blame you, obviously, but I agree that he may well be in shock.
You may need to let him process it.
Could you tell him to go and talk to you when he's ready?

But I'd be concerned if he takes more than a few days.

[ohdearhelp]

I could ask my MIL to come with me but I don't want to make things worse with DH by telling his family.

[ohdearhelp]

I have already told him to go and come back when the news has sunk in. He said no and just pretended I didn't ask him.

[awkwardsis]

I'm surprised your gp could tell you all that! Are you in the uk? i had to wait bloody ages to see a specialist even for something quite serious in my last pregnancy, id have had no chance on a saturday. I think tonight all you can say is that you're both in shock, and there's no need to decide anything yet, but you must keep lines of communication open. Perhaps aim to discuss things after the weekend?

[specialsubject]

he may be scared for you, but this juvenile sulk and ignoring is completely unacceptable. Not a 'typical male reaction' - how insulting to men. I hope he doesn't normally behave like this.

'all your fault' is clearly nonsense too.

he doesn't need to 'process it'. He needs to grow up and act like an adult.

I wish you luck, and I really hope he starts to help you soon with whatever happens.

[NomNomDePlum]

all this 'he is shocked' stuff is just bollocks - he doesn't get to blame you, it's not like he was uninvolved, he's just being a selfish bastard. if he won't support you then you should go ahead and ask somebody else to, it's not like the situation is going to disappear, or go into suspension, while he's got his head in the sand.

good luck.

[nenevomito]

I agree that he's in shock. When I told DH that I was unplanned pg he didn't talk to me either.

It IS a huge shock. Not only are you pg, so your health is at risk because of what happened before, but its twins which is an even bigger shock.

Hope he has got over it and can talk to you tomorrow.

[Ruralninja]

How is it all your fault? Assume you had sex on, as it were, equal terms. I would be feeling very let down as I am sure you are - I'd be tempted to put a rocket up him. Hope you can involve someone useful until he extracts his ostrich head from the sand. Is his mother useful/understanding?

[ohdearhelp]

I hope he can talk to me tomorrow too.
He isn't usually like this, which is why I am so worried.

[ohdearhelp]

His other is lovely and she is pretty much like my mum to which is why I am thinking of asking her.

[ohdearhelp]

*mother not other

[QuintessentialOHara]

So, you were told you should not have more children, and now you have had a contraception failure, are pregnant with twins, and he wont talk to you?

I dont understand how he can blame you.

[ohdearhelp]

We weren't using contraception because we were told that I couldn't have anymore children so we didn't think it would be a problem. (I know it was stupid now)

[QuintessentialOHara]

Sorry, just trying to get my head around it, you knew you and him were fertile, you had just had your fourth child, in what way could you not have more?

Or did the doctor say you should not have more due to having a pregnancy/birth that nearly killed you?

[ThatVikRinA22]

i would be furious with him. i would find it very hard to forgive this.

so he might be in shock - diddums! how does the think you feel???

if he will not support you then lovely you tell who the sodding hell you like and who will.

in the end, the decision is yours. I think you need some counselling and soul searching about what this means for you, the pregnancy and the relationship.

dont do anything you might regret. if he wont talk, find someone who will.

[ThatVikRinA22]

*find someone who will - i mean relative, friend, counsellor, someone you can talk this through with.

[ohdearhelp]

The doctor said that I should not have more due to the birth. He said that even if by some random stroke of fate an egg was good enough to be fertilized the chances of it living beyond a month was next to none.
The only reason they did not remove my womb is because my body had been through so much trauma they wanted it to heal before they tried surgery.

[QuintessentialOHara]

So, trying to continue this pregnancy could have dire consequences?

Your dh may lose you, his unborn twins, and deal with his own grief and the grief of his children, in the worst case scenario?

I cant begin to imagine how scared you are.

[SanityClause]

What Vicar said.

However, do communicate to him what you intend to do, if you can. (Text or email if he won't actually talk.)

I always think that no matter how unreasonable someone else is being, you feel better about yourself if you are reasonable.

And good luck. You are in a hard enough situation without his fuckwittery.

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

How did the GP tell you are pregnant with twins??

[ohdearhelp]

Yes QuintessentialOHara that would be the worst case scenario.