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Can the trust come back? How?

(9 Posts)
Whereisspring Fri 19-Apr-13 16:42:26

My DH behaved badly, it wasn't an affair, it was his behaviour when I needed him the most. I was pregnant and he just wasn't supportive (don't want to go into too much detail). DH is really willing to make it work and I'm struggling to trust him and his behaviour. He says he loves me, but I don't believe him because if he loved me then he wouldn't have behaved the way he did and he asks me how he can get my trust back. I don't have the answer.

If your DH has badly behaved, have you been able to trust him again and how?

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 19-Apr-13 16:47:12

No I don't think it's possible, how do you unsay what has been said, or undo what has been done.

You may be able to forgive him, but I doubt you will forget and I know that would just eat away at me and the relationship.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 19-Apr-13 17:16:06

i would say yeah you could carry on with him if he seems to feel he made mistakes but there will always be that in your can tell yourself all you want that you trust him but do you?ive forgiven all sorts from mine but ive never forgotten and the memories come back when he slips up again and resurface unhealthy anger because hes forgotten but i havent.

Whereisspring Fri 19-Apr-13 18:04:49

You're both right, I'm struggling to forget it and move on from it. I would never behave they way he did to me (when I pregnant with 1st last year and my family live on the other side of the world).

I have no idea how DH can earn my trust?? Or maybe he just can't which will just cause everything to re-surface. I wish I had the answer! Does anyone....?

Inseywinseyupthespout Fri 19-Apr-13 18:13:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsNotMySock Fri 19-Apr-13 19:15:13

OP, I've struggled a lot with the same question sad

I found reading this..

I love you but I don't trust you

..quite helpful, but he will have to go through it with you willingly. It's a bit cheesy in places but the basic ideas in it were quite helpful. There's a lot about the betrayer having to talk from the perspective of the betrayed and feel how the betrayed must have felt, and about how not to get stuck in a cycle of anger.

Probably all much easier said than done, but I hope it helps.

Whereisspring Mon 22-Apr-13 14:00:17

Thanks so much for your responses, he can't un-do or un-say everything and I just cant thinking it will happen again.

ThatNotMy - thanks for the book recommendation, I've ordered even though I'm not that confident we can make things better but will give it a read!

MOSagain Mon 22-Apr-13 15:36:20

So very very difficult. My 'D' H betrayed me and I honestly don't think I'll ever trust him again. Its been 9 months since I found out and I'm no nearer to trusting him and don't think I ever will be.

In your case though, you DH hasn't had an affair so a little different. Like you say though, things said can't be un-said and if you are like me, you will remember every little unkind or nasty comment.

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 16:16:56

I don't know. We can all make mistakes, and the law of unintended consequences can mean that sometimes those mistakes snowball. However, some betrayals are so serious that it is not possible to overcome them, even if forgiveness has already been granted. Certain betrayals go right to the heart of someone's character, rather than just being a bad choice/action, and in those cases it's not unreasonable to assume that the person will make the same mistake in the future.

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