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Sick of there being three people in my marriage

(23 Posts)
tatletale Fri 19-Apr-13 01:28:49

Same old story,long time user under new name, though I'm not sure why as it's a unique situation, so if anybody does recognise me, please don't out me.Also I am writing this on my phone, so please bare with me if it gets a bit messy in places.

My marriage is very much between three people. Not another women, but another man, DH best friend.

Dh and I have three children, DD1(8), DD2(3) and DS who is 6 weeks old, who was a twin to DD3, who died shortly after birth. Dh also has a son,who was born when he was 15, who will be turning 19 soon, and it's with his birth this whole mess began.

Dh has been DSS resident parent his entire life, his mother didn't take to motherhood very well ( understandable, with being so young I suppose) and throughout his childhood we didn't see much of her, and only now are the two of them starting to form anything resembling a relationship.

When DH was 17 he decided to move out of his parents home, but of course being so young found it difficult to work, take care of a toddler and finish chool. Thesis when DF stepped up to the plate and moved in with DH to help pay the bills and care for DSS, and to this day DF is still living with us!

I am actually very grateful for DF having lived with us these past years ( he technically lives in our pool house, behind our actual house) as this has meant that Dh was able to get his degree and become a professional, and by extension support me while I got mine, and I am positive we would't be living the life style we are with out him, but I feel it's time for all of us to move on.

Even after Dh and I we're married was always DF whose opion was asked for all things concerning DSS, while I was always positioned in a more sibling role with him, which is fine as DSS has the same relationship with them as I would assume a child raised by a gay couple would, he views them both as his parents ect but now Dh and DF seem to think he should have equal say in how we raise our children and, especially since DD3 died, I've got a real problem with this, i want certain decisions to be between Dh and me, and even when I ask him to keep something between the two of us, he is going to run right out and talk about it with DF.

DSS will be beginning University in America later this year, so naturally will be moving

tatletale Fri 19-Apr-13 01:30:40

Sigh. Wasn't supposed to post yet so more to come

tatletale Fri 19-Apr-13 01:38:01

Out and I would like the opportunity to experience a normal family life, but I know first mention of asking DF to move out Dhis going to freak out. I suppose DF is kind of like his security blanket, so I do need to approach this carefully, as not only is Dh and Dss attached to him but all my in laws are as well, he is sort of like PIL third son. So does anybody have any advice for me on how to deal with this without anyone getting hurt, including me?

Disclaimer - yes, I am 110 percent sure the is nothing physical going on between them.

LittleFeileFooFoo Fri 19-Apr-13 01:43:40

Tatletale, I'm so sorry about your DD, flowers.

I don't know if moving DF out will help, it seems you need to make your DH understand that DF isn't to be consulted. If DF moved out you may have the same problem, that DH consults him.

What reasoning does your DH give for including DF in the decisions regarding your children?

essexmumma Fri 19-Apr-13 01:48:39

Firstly I am so sorry OP for your loss of your baby, how awful for you.

I honestly have no advice and hope someone else comes along soon with some for you. You are far from unreasonable to want to be a family without the influence of the DF IMHO. It's a very unique situation.

NatashaBee Fri 19-Apr-13 02:00:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tatletale Fri 19-Apr-13 02:08:37

DF actually has a girlfriend of two years, but why would she ask him to move out when she can pretty much live here for free. They are very much a hipster twat couple, they have no plans to have DC and are happy working in a coffee shop and laying by the pool all day.

JustinBsMum Fri 19-Apr-13 03:26:00

I can't think of what decisions you are making - is it school? nursery? whether you work or whether eldest DC does or doesn't do homework?

Difficult as DH is used to discussing with DF.

But life won't always be like this, are you going back to work? DF must be getting on a bit, perhaps he will then be less interested in your DCs, do you want to move to a new house somewhere?

You've been through a very distressing time. Perhaps you need to remind DH that you need alot of kind love and support from him at this time and not his DF's views.

ktef Fri 19-Apr-13 06:53:07

I am so sorry about your daughter.
I have heard that you should not make any big decisions for a year after loosing someone. I am not sure who says this but my dh is a psychologist and he agrees. I only mention this because it seems like getting df to move out is going to be a big change, and particularly for your dh, and perhaps, now when you and dh have a young baby and the loss of your dd to deal with is just not the right time to try and evict your dh's "security blanket". But maybe start thinking about how to do it, maybe next year(?). I just think IF its the wrong time, any attempt to evict df could just cause conflict, and divide you and dh, push dh and df even closer together and not achieve anything except causing you even more distress/annoyance etc.
But just to be clear, I mean this only in terms of tactics to acheive what you want, and that it might be better to hold your feelings for now and make a big push for it when you/dh are less busy/tired/emotional. I think it is amazing you have let it be like this for so long, and I totally understand that you would want changes now and I hope your dh appreciates you.

BranchingOut Fri 19-Apr-13 07:02:34

The first thing that jumps out at me is your huge and recent loss.

I second the advice about not making major decisions at the moment.

But, when you say DF is that your dad, his dad or dear friend?

onefewernow Fri 19-Apr-13 09:00:32

I agree with ktef. Also DSS is only about to leave for Uni, so let the dust settle and come back to it next year.

Also, in the meantime don't feel you need to be swayed by others opinions , including his, on your children, but at the same time be careful not to alienate him, as you may appreciate his help ( not interference) as time passes, with three.

fluffyraggies Fri 19-Apr-13 10:13:55

I'm guessing DF is the friend, branching.

I'm picturing the friend as an older man OP. Am i right?

It all seems an odd set up. This friend helped your DH in early life to the extent that DH is now wealthy in his own right, has a house with a pool, and keeps this guy on as a kind of guru in the pool house? confused

I too am sorry for your loss thanks and echo that now is probably not a good time to try and make major changes in your life.

Perhaps you could pave the way for change by gently letting your DH know that you would like the family decisions to be made by just you and he in futrure.

Branleuse Fri 19-Apr-13 10:20:01

Im very sorry for your loss and I agree that it's an unusual set up, but it was like this when you got with your dp and it's benefited you all so much. I really think your recent birth and subsequent loss is making you so unsettled that you're desperately searching for something to change in the hope it will make you feel better. I'm not convinced that kicking df out would benefit anyone. not even you. I think it actually all sounds like a really supportive and nurturing set up. I wish you all the best and a big big hug x

tatletale Fri 19-Apr-13 11:14:10

Thank you to those who replied, and thank you to those who PM me, quiet a surprising number, but thank you all the same.

I am trying not to force any big decisions on DH, as DSS is moving out soon and it will completely devastate him, but I can't help feeling that if DF (Friend) stays I will never get the normal family I crave.

DH consults his friend on everything; whether that be to do with the house, the DC schooling, what holidays we take. While DH is a stubborn as can be, if anybody can change his mind on something it's DF. Sometimes he even changes DH mind to my view when we are in disagreement on something, and this annoys me even more as I feel like DH respects his opinion more than mine.

DD death has made me really sit and contemplate what I want for my family, and what I don't want is for someone else to have so much say in what we do, I want to decide something for my family and have my husband support me without every John, Dick and Harry having to be consulted first.

Fluffyraggies - DF is two years older than DH, so he is still relatively young - only 36 this year.

BranchingOut Fri 19-Apr-13 13:21:44

So, what will happen if he moves out and Dh still doesn't respect your opinion? Spouses are quite capable of that even without the bonus/hindrance of having someone living in the pool house...

Or, I hate to say it, but what if DH decides that he would rather be with DF....

I think you need to think through this really carefully, as obviously you are in some kind of peculiar equilibrium and disturbing that equilibrium could have suprising effects.

JustinBsMum Fri 19-Apr-13 15:50:41

Seems maybe you see DF as having a surrogate family (your DCs and DSS) without all the work??

He gets the fun stuff, advising on life but not mucking in with the hard daily grind??

But I would hate someone 'knowing better' what to do for my family than I do myself.

I think if you could find some good counselling, perhaps Relate, or some other family oriented advice from an expert, psychologist?, it would be easier to sort this out and to work out exactly you want out of this and exactly how to get it. Also, this expert could perhaps explain where your DH is coming from, why he can't make his own decisions, with or without your input.

WallyBantersYoniBox Fri 19-Apr-13 23:41:33

Time to convert the pool house into a playroom for the kids, I think. Oh and you have been pretty supportive of your dh so nothing to feel guilty about - especially bringing up the subject of extra rent contribution from the hipster twat girlfriend.

It will be a difficult transition, as you've accepted this triangle up until now. But perhaps you can get your feelings across in relationship or grief counselling.

Very sorry about your loss. flowers

welcometomysillylife Sat 20-Apr-13 08:57:09

I thought you meant your partner's father! It was an unusual enough situation that being the case but even more so now you reveal he is dp's friend! Well it is what it is. Things will naturally and gradually change when your dss moves out. And like others have said, give it a bit of time, just start thinking, discussing, planning for the future without doing anything immediately.

Ashoething Sat 20-Apr-13 09:06:04

Just tell your dh that its him or you! Honestly it all sounds very weird-are you sure they are not in a relationship?

pinkyredrose Sat 20-Apr-13 10:30:07

Sorry for your loss.

However it does sound like the DF has been an enormous support and directly instrumental in you and your DH having the lifestyle you do. I think you should be very grateful to him.

I do think that your DH should expect the DF to have equal say in how your DC are raised.

I wouldn't ask him to move out though he'll be devastated and so would your DH.

onefewernow Sat 20-Apr-13 10:31:39

His friend? Thought you meant father too.

I definitely couldn't live like that! Wtf has he hit to do with your parental decisions?

I would make him choose too.

pinkyredrose Sat 20-Apr-13 10:36:57

Sorry I meant I don't think the friend should have equal say in how your DC are raised!!

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 10:43:22

Does DF pay his way?

I can completely understand why you want him to not be part of the family.

Why should he have a say in how your dcs are parented?

Your dh can be as grateful as he wants for the help but that doesn't translate into letting a non parent have a say. I mean, a pretty big thank you is letting him live in the pool house with his gf.

I would ask your dh not to consult DF about your dcs because he is not beholden to him and neither are you.

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